Fruity Feet

Good afternoon! While Liz "enjoys" snowy Northern New York, I enjoyed a meat-filled cocktail time in sunny Southern California! First up was the kiddie cocktail (mocktail): the Desert Cooler. This russipe doesn't even include a suggestion to transform it into a cocktail (Gasp!) for the adults in the room. What was Aunt Sandy thinking?! By itself, it is simply lacking something... probably a kick of booze. You combine equal parts orange jews, pineapple jews and sparkling apple cider- pour it over ice and garnish with pineapple. Yawn. It wasn't horrible, but it also didn't taste like much. My Aunt said it tasted mainly like pineapple, but I thought it mainly tasted like apple (the sparkle gets dulled down by the other jews). I don't know why someone would want to waste good sparkling apple cider (which by itself is delicious and always a kid's favorite holiday treat... at least it was mine) without putting some booze in it! Everyone said it needed spice rum.... and almost everyone threw their glass out.

Next was the return of condensed Campbell's cheese soup (yeay!) with the ridiculously salty Cheddar Cheese Baked Potato Soup. First you take a russet potato and put it in the microwave for 7-8 minutes. Never having cooked a potato this way, I was happy my aunt told me to poke holes in it, lest I want the thing to explode, because the russipie gives no such instruction. After 7.5 minutes, the potato was shriveled and sad looking, so I supposed it was "done." While the nuked potato cools (Sandy warns "it will be HOT!"), you heat up 2 cans cheddar cheese soup, 2.5 cups low-sodium chicken stock and 1/4 c. real bacon pieces into a medium pan. You let it simmer for a bit, add the potato (which you cut into 1/2 inch cubes once it cools) and let the whole thing simmer for 5 more minutes. To serve you garnish the soup with a dollop of sour cream. Okay first, can I just tell you that the low-sodium broth, I imagine, does nothing to compensate for the insane amount of salt in the canned cheddar soup, not to mention the bacon?! My dad took one spoonful and said, "well, that's my daily intake of sodium for the day." He wouldn't eat any more...and my dad loves salt. My sister, cousin and I actually ate some. It tasted good once our tongues were numb from the sodium overload. The potato chunks left something to be desired. Their texture felt like a really poorly made, dense gnocchi: they were gooey, chewy and gummy.

Since the soup was a bust, we moved on to a real cocktail, the Palm Springs Punch. Once 11 oz. can of pineapple jews mixes with 1 L. ginger ale and 1 c. bourbon. You pour this over ice and then add 2 (15 oz.) cans of fruit cocktail. Yes, you heard me right, fruit cocktail in a fruity cocktail...how clever, Aunt Sandy. Now as you will notice in the picture below, the can of fruit cocktail (which looked completely normal on the outside) was completely ruined and void of jews on the inside, so we had to throw away the kind with cherries (my favorite) in exchange for some fruit cocktail cups my mom had stored in the pantry for god-only-knows how long.

I didn't make as much as the russsipe called for, because no one was really interested in drinking in the middle of the afternoon (my family was not interested in following the sacred rules of cocktail time), but they were sports and took a sip. My sister's boyfriend said it tasted rancid, but that was really the worst review it got. My sister and I thought it was quite tasty (I drank mine and then picked out the booze soaked fruit afterwards), but then again we loved fruit cocktail as children, so anything that reminds us of that is delicious. In all honesty, I think it would make an excellent springtime cocktail. It also wasn't nearly as boozy as Aunt Sandy's normal monstrosities.

Pleasantly pleased, we moved onto the final dish: Sweet and Sour Chicken Skewers. In a pan, you bring to a boil: 1/2 c. apple cider vinegar, 1/4 c. brown sugar, pineapple jews, 1 T. cornstarch and 1 T. water. You let the sauce thicken for about 8 minutes, then you reserve half for the dipping sauce. As this was cooking my sister said it smelled like feet. When my Aunt and cousin came over, they said the same thing. It got so bad, my mom had to open a window. As the sauce cooled and the kitchen aired out, my cousin and I made the skewers. We alternated chunks of chicken, pineapple and red pepper, salt and peppered them, and then popped them onto a medium hot greased grill. After cooking for 4 minutes on each side, we basted them in the sweet and sour sauce. These are to be served with the dipping sauce, but my mom threw it out as soon as everyone tasted it (but me). It tasted like feet apparently. The skewers themselves weren't bad. They weren't very sweet or sour, but they had a nice mild flavor to them...and really, can you go wrong with grilled kabobs? That nice charred taste will subdue any nasty foot flavor a sauce may have.

So that just about does it for my California Cocktail Time. Liz and I will have time for a couple more entries before our winter break is over, so keep a lookout! Until then, remember to keep it a cocktail, keep it botulism free, keep it footloose, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

I'm So Sorry Hanukkah.

Hi everybody and welcome to another edition of Semi-edible! After a hiatus to contend with law school finals (lame) we have to two super simple russipies to share with you today!

First up we have Marmalade Meat Balls. You take a crockpot and fill it with 2lbs cooked, frozen meatballs. And then you squirt over it 1 bottle catalina salad dressing, spoon in 1 c. orange marmalade, toss on 3Tbs. worcestershire and liberally sprinkle 1/2tsp. red pepper flakes. The globby mixtures is then stirred, the crockput is cranked up to high and in the blink of an eye (2-3 hours) you have a gelatinous, sweet appetizer. We brought this to our friends' Christmas party, thinking it was a pretty innocuous appetizer. Turns out everyone liked (if not loved) these slimy soft balls, minus one friend Jeremy- which is weird because he loves semi-homemade items like green

bean casserole (blech). The meatballs were soft and mushy, which is not really something I like in a meatball, but they were definitely edible. The only real downside was that the sauce was very goopy and after half of them were consumed, the remaining meatballs had to be fished for with tiny toothpicks- this was gross and I soon stopped eating them.

For dessert, we brought the Star of David Angel Food Cake a.k.a. the Hanukkah Cake a.k.a. the ugly sister of the Kwanzaa Cake. I know what you're thinking- haven't we learned our lesson? Wasn't the Kwanzaa cake offensive and disgusting enough? Haven't we ruined enough perfectly good angel food cake and vanilla frosting? The answer of course, to all of your questions is yes. But that isn't the point. The point is that we committed to this blog and we are going to follow through. And if that means we must make somewhat offensive, wholly inedible desserts in the process, so be it.

So with that I give you the Hanukkah cake: First you take a store bought angel food cake and stuff the crevice with marshmallows. Since we were pressed for time, and the russipie did not specifically call for them, we did not purchase Kosher marshmallows. Now, once the marshmallow center is in place, you carefully, one drop at a time, add blue food coloring to

one container of whipped vanilla frosting. This is of course to avoid making the frosting too blue, and thus unappetizing and unauthentic. The frosting is then delicately rubbed on the cake. Finally, this Smurf-tinted delight is supposed to be garnished with strings of pearls. Not edible pearls mind you, but real ones. They are just for decoration and Aunt Sandy warns they must be taken off before consumption. Beautiful and practical, but alas, very difficult to find at Target. So instead we substituted white M&M's. They don't have quite the same sheen, but on the upside, you can eat them. Jillian did a fantastic job making the M&M Star of David on top. So now comes the "best part"- the taste test! First off, in all fairness, it is not as bad as the Kwanzaa Cake. I think that the absence of apple pie filling and cornnuts here is a big plus. That being said, this is not good.

The angel food cake is sweet. The frosting is sweeter. The marshmallows are also sweet. It is a sugar bomb in your mouth. It is the sugar equivalent of a salt lick. Then there is the texture. The frosting melts in your mouth but the angel food cake is grainy. And then there are the marshmallows. Oh the marshmallows. All chewy and gummy, they just amplify the slight graininess of the angel food. There is too much conflict and competition going on in one bite for it to be enjoyable. Jillian did not find it as unpleasant as I did, and neither did our friend Tony. But they don't have the same texture aversion that I do. Our friend Jeremy, whose house the Smuf cake was constructed in, said the following "That was beyond gross. I don't even want it in my house! Oh, and you better believe I'm salvaging the M&M's before I throw the cake in the garbage today. They didn't ask to be attached to that monstrosity!" You're right Jeremy, they didn't.

So until next time keep it Kosher, keep it Smurfy, keep it overpoweringly sweet, and always keep it Semi- Edible!

Ooops!

It has been brought to our attention that we may have tried the Gin Plush russipe before. And it turns out..... we had- during the chili seasoning disaster. When planning for this Friday's cocktail time I asked Liz if we had already done the gin plush, because it sounded too familiar. Liz said no and I believed her. Liz was wrong. But, in her defense, she didn't know she was wrong. Liz had never tried the gin plush, it was something my sister and I did one summer evening.

We, the Semi-homemakers would like to take this time to apologize for repeating a cocktail (to be fair, it was the most delicious Sandy cocktail we have ever had, both blog entries vouch for this so this mistake is not so bad) and we promise never to repeat a russipe again. Scouts honor.

The One Where Nothing Was Bad.

Hey boys and girls and welcome to another edition of semi-edible! Today our menu is light on food, heavy on cocktail and lo and behold we liked ever single thing we made. At this point, Jillian and I thought this day would never come but the Fiesta Fondue, the Academy Cocktail, and the Gin Plush were actually sodalicious!

So first up, we began with the grand semi-edible tradition of enjoying a cocktail (the best part of the day I'll have you know) while we "cook." Enter the Academy Cocktail: mix 1 cup vodka, 1 cup orange liqueur, 2 cups white cranberry juice, and 1 juiced lime. Now I realize that the ingredients listed call for white cranberry juice, but in the photos you'll notice that the drinks are pink. Yeah well that's because I totally failed to notice

that it wasn't regular cranberry juice that would have set this drink apart from a traditional Cosmopolitan. It wasn't until Jillian was putting together the cocktail that she noticed the lack of white cranberry juice. Whoops. Oh yeah and I also failed to add an orange to the impromptu grocery list so instead of a super cool orange peel garnish we have a super cool apple peel garnish. And I think it really improved the visual appeal of the drink. Anyway, the drink is served in a merlot glass over ice and for once, a cocktail was not overpoweringly boozy or sweet. Neither of us cringed or had to plug our noses to finish it! We would even make it again! We were drinking a cosmopolitan after all. Hooray!

Ok so now that we had enjoyed a delightful cocktail it was time to move on to solid food - usually the downfall of these experiments (because while the cocktails often leave something to be desired, they still have a booztastic purpose). The Fiesta Fondue

brings back an oldie but a goodie- Campbell's Condensed Cheddar Cheese soup! We haven't seen this sodium packed slime since the Cheesy Cauliflower Gratin that no one liked. Jillian aptly likened the cheese soup to handi-snack cheese, which she loved as a kid but I didn't. But I digress. To the cheese soup add 8oz. shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup of whole milk, and a cup of chipotle salsa. You basically just heat everything up until it is smooth and then transfer it to a serving dish and enjoy. The dip is paired with dippers. Aunt Sandy suggests tortillas, bread, carrots and jicama. All of these ideas are great, but we couldn't find jicama. Anyway, it should be said that the dip is quite salty, but with a whole can of condensed cheese soup that is to be expected. We enjoyed a baguette, pita chips, carrots and broccoli for dippers. The worst thing about the dish was Jillian's genius idea to use apples as dippers. We both acknowledged that the apples were a bad idea. Overall, we like it. We both sat there dipping for the rest of the night.

So it is usually at this point in the post where our next endeavor reminds us not to get our hopes up about Aunt Sandy's culinary abilities and we muster the courage to continue with this blog. To add to this twilight zone-esque cocktail time, the Gin Plush was really good! And I genuinely mean it. You stir together 1/3 c. of gin and 1/4 c. of guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. Add ice cubes in the glass and serve! As a side note, I want to make a statement about kitchen safety. Opening club soda bottles is serious business and should be done with care. I unfortunately learned this the hard way when awash with elation from our first 2 successes that I failed to use proper care when opening the brand new bottle. The result was an explosion of club soda all over my crotch. Fail. Anyway this drink was very refreshing, not too boozy and not too sweet. The acidity of the pineapple and the bubbly of the club soda made this sodalicious. I'm not typically a fan of gin but it was really really nice!

So there you have it. 2 drinks and a appetizer. All Edible!!! So until next time keep it light, keep it refreshing, keep it safe, and occasionally keep it edible!

Way to Go Governor Cuomo!

The Semi-homemakers want to congratulate Aunt Sandy’s paramour, Andrew Cuomo, on becoming the new Governor of New York! We would also like to extend our sincere condolences for the humiliation that Aunt Sandy’s Harlem Christmas specials will surely bring him.

See the political couple here – party boobs in tow.

Tears of a Vampire

:::Insert requisite unnecessary laughter here::: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Semi-Edible! I'm Aunty McFred and today we have for you 5 sodalicious russipies that are sure to bring Halloween revelers' digestive tracts to a screeching halt!

First up we have have the Black Cloud Cocktail. This delightful cocktail is comprised of 1/2 cup of orange soda, 1 cup of orange jews (please pronounce jews for authenticity), 1 shot of orange liqueur, and 2 shots of black vodka. This supposedly makes 2 servings, but really, you can get 3 out of this.

Jillian generously layered a shot of black vodka atop each drink and gave us a stick of black licorice for garnish(except me because I don't like it). Now I'm not usually the biggest fan of orange and vodka (at least not since college) but this really wasn't that bad. The first sip is the worst, because of the shot of vodka floating on top, but you do get the orange which kinda takes to edge off. The only problem with this drink is the effect that layering black vodka on something orange...it turns brown. A rather unappetizing shade of brown. The fact that we used orange juice with pulp didn't help. But overall, not too bad. And festively pleasant.

The first dish, the Spider’s Nest Dip bore a striking similarity to 7-layer bean dip. So it sounded pretty innocuous...good even. The Aunt Sandy spooky twist on this is the sour cream “nest” in the center of the dip – you know, so it’s festive. So first the layer of refried beans goes in the bottomed of the microwave safe dish followed by a healthy layer of cheese. This then goes into the microwave to achieve melty goodness. Jillian popped it into the microwave for the allotted 1 minute and...nothing happened. It wasn’t enough time to even soften the massive mound of requisite cheese so she put it back in. But with this she blew right past the softening phase and right into the totally melted. Oops. Oh Well.

We then layered on the drained salsa, olives (mmmm pre-slices black olives), and then the sour cream, cream cheese taco seasoning packet mixture. This was topped with a layer of store bought guacamole. After the guacamole layer comes the fun part. Too bad Brycer wasn’t here because he would have really loved creating the spider’s nest (Brycer: Aunt Sandy don’t they call that a web? Aunt Sandy: Cocktail time!!!). You put a healthy dollop of sour cream in the center, then pipe it in concentric circles around the dollop. Then you take a toothpick and drag it from the center to the outside creating a "nest" er...web effect, and voila! Festive appetizer!

So starving and excited at the prospects of this appetizer, we all dug in with our blue corn tortilla and....snap! The chip broke off in the melted cheese. We tried bigger chips but to no avail. Nothing was getting through the solid layer of melted cheese. Our dreams of the perfect bite were totally dashed (note the 4 chip pile-up in the photo) We had to resort to using spoons. So lame, but tasty! The taco seasoning, for once was not overpowering and I think using slightly better than bargain-basement store-bought guacamole didn’t hurt. Sure the chip problem was annoying, but nothing a spoon couldn’t solve. Overall this was.... EDIBLE!!!! One might even say enjoyable!

So since we had a win – we followed up with dessert, the White Pumpkin Cakes. Sadly, neither Jillian nor I own mini bunt pans (we have our fingers crossed that we get them this Kwanza). But anyway, combine Pillsbury pumpkin quick bread with 2 eggs, water, and vegetable oil. We had the option of substituting apple cider for water, but someone (Jillian) thought it said apple cider vinegar on the russipie. She was wrong, so we didn’t buy any. Place in muffin tins – don’t forget to coat the muffin pan with non-stick cooking spray! And bake for 12 to 14 minutes. First off – it’s really about 20 minutes to get them golden brown, an instruction that I overlooked I think thanks to the Brown Cloud Cocktail, and got seriously annoyed with checking them every 2 minutes. But after 20 minutes they achieved golden sodaliciuos status and were set out to cool.

So after I missed the direction about the timing, I was extra careful in reading the directions for the icing. 2 cups confectioner sugar, 2 tablespoons orange liqueur. Nope, not right. Let me read that again. 2 cups confectioner’s sugar, 2 TABLESPOONS orange liqueur?! Ok. I combined the 2 ingredients and got something that looked like small hail and smelled like old lady perfume – worn by an old lady alcoholic (aka, Aunt Sandy in 5 years). Nothing near the “glaze" I was promised in the picture. Now, I know it doesn’t take much liquid to make confectioners sugar turn into frosting, but you do need more than 2 tablespoons. So after reading the reviews, I added some water, and made the glaze.

Again – epic win!!!! These were quite good, considering her track record for desserts! Because they were so good, it prompted Jillian to ask “How different is this from the box recipe?” I said I had no idea, I didn’t read the box. So I looked. The answer? No different. The russipe we “semi homemade” is exactly the same as the back of the box. Thanks Pillsbury for making pumpkin flavored bread products so good even Aunt Sandy does not require us to “improve” upon it.

Finally, Jillian made Bat Sandwiches for an impromptu rooftop gathering with friends. It's not really a russipie- you make a sandwich out of white bread, mustard, prosciutto and monterey jack cheese. Then you cut out the sandwiches into bat shapes. They were tasty (despite the weirdness of the monterey jack with prosciutto), cute and uneventful. Every meat-eater ate and enjoyed them and Jillian got to eat a lot of crusts in her free time, because each sandwich made one bat-sized sandwich. Lame.

So with 3 wins and a semi-win, you know we were bound to have out semi-bubble burst. Enter the Vampire Kiss Martini. 1 part chilled vodka, 1 part champagne, 1 part Chambord. 100% nasty. It tasted like extra dry Robitussin. But actually worse because Jillian really likes Robitussin and hated this! Nothing about it was good. And drinking it made me super sad. I actually tried to drink this while plugging my nose, much like I take liquid medicine to this day and nearly choked to death. Our friend Tony, ever polite, said it was kinda good. That's kinda false, but thanks Tony. What we didn't understand was that on the episode this cocktail is featured, Aunt Sandy uses vanilla vodka and pours some jager on top...that's it...where is that russipie?

As always- keep it spooky, keep it icky, keep it Semi-Edible, and be sure to keep Cher in your heart and mind!

Aye Caramba!

Last week we posted three of the six russipies braved by our friends during Joey's South of the Border Sodalishous Fiesta. Today, we write about the other three. First, there was the bland, dry Margarita Chicken. This was chased down with watery Boraccho Beans, and we rounded out the meal with the surprisingly tasty Black Bean Quesadillas.

Since the Quesadilla was sodalishous, I want to start with that. You spread a layer of beans, then a layer of jar salsa over a burrito-size flour tortilla. You sprinkle it wish Mexican-style shredded cheese and then put another tortilla on top and bake it in a 400 degree oven for around 15 minutes till the tortilla is crisp and brown. You take the quesadilla pizza out and cut it into four slices (can this even be called a recipe?). As a dipping sauce, you take 1/2 c. prepared guacamole and mix it with 2T. sour cream. Another topping to dip the quesadilla into is the premade salsa. Although I hold great disdain for premade salsa and guacamole, I do believe it is pretty hard to mess up a quesadilla. As you can tell from the picture, Lindsay made a massive platter full of this quesadilla appetizer and it was the first thing to go....seriously. Why Aunt Sandy decided to mix guacamole and sour cream (something I usually loathe), I'll never know. But, this was the best thing of the night (probably because it was the only russipe with store bought ingredients that weren't modified). Perhaps she thought this extra step would make it taste homemade....it didn't. But, I must confess- this was delicious (compared to everything else).

Onto the flavorless Margarita Chicken. The russipe is simple enough. You marinate 4 bone-in chicken breasts, for 2 hours in: 1 can frozen margarita mix, 2/3c. tequila, 1/2c. chopped cilantro and 2T. chicken seasoning. Then you grill the chicken till it's cooked (30 minutes). The chicken was kinda dry after 30 minutes, and the flavor didn't permeate the skin so the chicken didn't taste like much of anything, except for bland chicken breasts. Where is the salt and pepper? Yes, there was a season packet used, but come on! Salt and Pepper is a basic essential when grilling chicken and Aunt Sandy usually over-salts EVERYTHING! This was bland. Very... very... bland. That being said, we cut it up, put it into tacos and smothered the flavorless poultry in guacamole, tossed in some salsa and sprinkled on some cheese. Then it was tasty. I am surprised Aunt Sandy wasted a whole 2/3c. of tequila on such a tasteless russipie. For shame, Aunt Sandy! Our tip to you semihomemakers out there- save the tequila for the margaritas.

Finally, was the Boraccho Beans. In all honesty, I thought this russipe looked fairly tasty; I have made drunken beans before and they turned out well. This however was not the case. Joey threw 2 cans of pinto beans, 1 can of diced tomatoes and green chiles, 1 can green chiles, 1/2c frozen diced onios, 1t. crushed garlic, 1 bottle mexican beer and 1/3c. "real" bacon bits into a pot, brought it to a boil and cooked the beans for 20 minutes. Then he stirred in 1/4c. cilantro and served it with lime wedges. As you can tell by the picture, the liquid did not cook down which I thought it should have. It looked like bean soup...very unappealing. And, the taste also left something to be desired. The bacon bits made this disgusting (I know, because Joey also made a batch of these beans vegetarian style for Liz (spoiled veggie eater!) which I thought were definitely more tasty). The original russipie tasted fake and processed- like salty, plastic bacon bit beans. Blech!

So after 6 Semi-russipes, one was delicioso (although I would challenge that the quesadilla does not count as an actual russipie), two were decent, one was bland and the other two were a complete waste of ingredients. I would call the South of the Border Party a hit! Pitchers of margaritas later, we all forgot that we had come over to sample Sandy's russipes. Until next time, remember to keep it peppered, keep it vegetarian, keep it a fiesta, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

Peaches y Crema

Hola! As stated in the last entry, our friend Joey wanted to host a Mexican Fiesta party, semi homemade style. As soon as he mentioned it, Liz and I jumped all over this opportunity. What better venue to get a huge amount of victims…er subjects….er friends to taste lots of Aunt Sandy’s good ol’ Mexican delicacies? After all, Mexican food is Sandy's favorite food so there were plenty of super simple russipies waiting for us to test. I brought a hot, semi-delicious pot of Creamy Green Chile Soup while Liz tackled what I feel was one of the grossest russipies to date: Halibut Tacos with Peach Salsa. For cocktail time Joey served up Cosmoritas.

Because cocktail time is the best time of the day, I'll start with the Cosmorita. You shake an ice filled martini shaker with 1 shot of tequila, a splash of lime juice and 2 shots cranberry. You strain the concoction into a glass and garnish with a lime wheel. This doesn’t sound that bad- and it wasn’t. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Aunt Sandy took most of the ingredients in a cosmopolitan and added tequila instead of vodka. How. Original. And if I liked tequila more, I probably would make this again. But I don't, so I wont. This is a strong tasting drink- we all passed around and sampled one glass as opposed to each of us drinking one and then being floored. Needless to say for the rest of the night, the rest of us stuck to margaritas, sangria and tecate.

My favorite item of the night (that was from a Semi-Russipe) was my Creamy Green Chile Soup. In a pot you boil 1 c. frozen chopped onions (this was our first russipe using frozen onions! I was so excited and can I just tell you they were super easy to find in the store), 1t. garlic, 1c. frozen corn, 2 cans diced green chile, 4c. chicken stock and 1tsp. Mexican seasoning. I could not find Mexican Seasoning (does it exist?)…just Mexican Taco mix, so I used that. While this boils, in another skillet you add 2Tbs butter, 1c. corn and 1 can green chiles. Then you add 1 package of fresh (gasp!) sliced mushrooms and sauté for 10 minutes. This is quite the complex russipe. The directions from there get kind of confusing. I deciphered them (and Liz corroborated my idea) to mean that you then puree the soup mix, and as the final steps add the sautéed vegetables, stir in ¾ cup crema and pepper the shit out of the soup to get a decent flavor (no salt necessary). There are warnings in the directions to keep the blender from blasting scalding soup into your eyes and all over the counter… heed these warning. Because even if you heed the warnings, the soup explodes. In all fairness I was running late, so I didn’t really let the soup cool before blending, but hey, I like to live on the wild side sometimes. This soup was fairly well received at the party once it was garnished with cilantro and cheese. Everyone said they would eat it again or would want to eat a bowlful of it. Liz didn’t like it, and though I thought the mushrooms were slimy- I enjoyed it. I took the leftovers home, added some chicken and had a couple delicious meals out of it. All in all, I would say this was not so super simple (considering the ease of her other russipies) but worth making.

Next was Liz’s heroic creation of Sandy’s Halibut Tacos with Peach Salsa. Now really, just looking at the title of this is deceiving. Sure there’s a slight hesitation at the thought of peaches on fish tacos, but mangos and pineapples have been successful, if not delicious, on tacos. And everyone loves fish tacos, verdad? Si. But then you learn that there’s allspice involved. And not just a pinch of allspice, but a whole heaping teaspoon! Ick times 5. But I am getting ahead of myself here. First, Liz took a pound of tilapia and marinated it in a packet of hot taco seasoning mix for 30 minutes. She chose to diverge from the russipe and use tilapia instead of halibut for two reasons. First, we are poor law students. And second, we aren’t about to waste good halibut on something as gross as this. The sodium infused fish is then grilled and put on corn tortillas. It is topped with coleslaw mix and the peach salsa. Despite the taco seasoning mix, this still sounds harmless, if not tasty. But no, the peach salsa is absolutely, without a doubt in my top 3 worst Semi-Edible dishes. You take 2c. mild chunky salsa, add 1c. chopped frozen peach slices and 1t. allspice. Aye dios mio!

First off, 99% of pre-made salsas are inedible to begin with... adding allspice and frozen peaches would make even homemade salsas inedible. Liz and I decided it smelled and tasted like old people and potpourri salsa. After we finished gagging and gulping down our margaritas to kill the aftertaste, we made sure everyone tried one bite before we ditched the salsa and ate the fish tacos plain or with guacamole. It was absolutely inedible and I am sorry I ever put that in my mouth.

There are three other sodalicious items made for the fiesta that we will post next week. In all honesty, they weren't bad. Although, in my opinion, nothing short of the Hot Crab Rangoon Dip can ever be as bad as that peach salsa. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

So until next time remember to keep it Mexican, keep it slimy, keep it allspice free, and always keep it Semi-Edible.

Semi-homemaker's entry!

Many apologies for such a late new entry. I am currently procrastinating studying for a midterm tomorrow and thought, what better way to delay studying than to post a long overdue semi-edible entry?! Today's entry is by our friend Joey, who had us over for a Semi-Homemade Mexican Fiesta Party last month (which we have yet to write about). Joey was so happy with the results of that party (hah) that he decided to try another super simple russipe. Here is his amazing review of what sounds so gross (despite it having 90 reviews and an unbelievable 5 star rating) I wish I had been there to try it:

After creating two horrible Sandra Lee dishes already (Margarita Chicken and Borracho Beans) I was reluctant to try another recipe. However, after visiting the Semi-Homemade homepage on FN, I saw a clip where she made Apple Maple Turkey Burgers with Maple-Dijon Sauce. I laughed at the simplicity of the recipe, yet I've been hankering for a turkey burger for a while and I decided to attempt another Aunt Sandy concoction.

The ingredients are simple enough, and I had most of them, but as I was in the grocery store buying the few extra items I needed, I quickly realized how different her recipes are from her show. For example, on the show, she specifically said to use "lean ground turkey" because if it is not "lean" then it is mixed with dark turkey meat. However, the recipe merely says "ground turkey breast." I have some experience cooking with ground turkey and I have never seen ground turkey "breast" only 97% and 99% lean ground turkey. Since the 97% was on sale, I purchased that. The recipe also calls for "poultry seasoning." I'm not sure what this seasoning is. I searched the spice aisle for at least 10 minutes before an employee noticed my perplexed face and asked if he could help. However, he could only point me to McCormick's rubs that seemed to be intended for grilled chicken. I even called upon a friend to see if she knew what it was. Alas, I decided to use the only chicken seasoning I know and trust - Adobo.

The patties are made with 1 1/4 lb. ground turkey, 1/4 c. bacon bits, 1/2 c. applesauce, poultry seasoning and 2 T. maple syrup. After combining all the ingredients, I became concerned about the consistency of the meat. It was too soft and I was concerned that the burgers would fall apart once I started cooking them. My better judgment told me to add an egg to keep it together, but instead I trusted Aunt Sandy and continued on as the recipe directed.

I do not have a grill, and the show uses what appears to be an indoor electric grill, so I used my cast-iron Ikea grilling pan, which I oiled and heated on medium heat. I put the burgers in the pan and cooked each side for about 7 minutes as directed.

While the burgers were cooking, I made the Maple-Dijon sauce. However, I found the sauce to be runny and pretty much tasting like sweet mayonnaise (it's mayo, mixed with dijon and more maple syrup). Once the burgers were cooked, I added a slice of tomato and some red onions as she did on the show. Then topped it with a "dollop" of the Maple-Dijon sauce.

Surprisingly, the burger was good! A little messy because the runny Dijion sauce drips as you eat it, but it was juicy and a little sweet, which was a pleasant addition to the bland flavor of a regular turkey burger. I would have to say that I may actually make these again sometime. However, I would probably add cheese to the burger - a Gruyere or muenster perhaps. My faith in Sandra Lee has been partially restored!

Premier of Semi-Homemade!

This is a friendly reminder that tomorrow at 11:30am is the premier of Aunt Sandy's 14th season of Semi-Homemade! The first episode is called Garden Party and promises amazing russipies like Broccoli Pie, Blushing Strawberry Cupcakes and boasts an "eye-popping tablescape filled with breathtaking decorating ideas sure to make your next party sing!" I don't know about you, but I have always wondered how I could put broccoli into a pie, so this is going to be amazing.

This episode is going to be sodalicious, I cannot wait to watch it!

Sandra Lee Marathon!

We are all sad that this weekend marks the end of Summer. But, what better way to celebrate Labor Day than by watching a Sandra Lee Marathon on Food Network from 10-4! I just saw a commercial for this and I don't know about you, but I am super excited to sit on my couch all day Monday to watch this patriotic display.

In anticipation, here is a clip of Aunt Sandy creating a red, white and blue trifle...it actually looks okay, minus the bottle of red food coloring and massive whipped topping that she suggests can become even more processed-tasting by adding an extract. My favorite part is where she instructs us to, "work it down into all those nice airy places." Happy Labor Day!

Jagged Little Wontons

We realize we have been gone a while, which saddens me. As stated before, Liz and I went on vacation right before our 3L year began, which affected our cocktail times. And, normally when we start school there are about 2 weeks to coast and get accustomed to learning again...this time however, we were instantly as hectic as Aunt Sandy's minions attempting to find the perfect matching kitchenaid. We will not be able to post as often as we did before (unless we fail out) but we will try to keep this going, because it has been a lot of fun (despite the indigestion and barely-edible food). Also, this could be the time where you guys come in and create your own cocktail time!

Back to Semi-Edible! For today's amazing adventure we dive yet again into the sodium packed condensed soup world with a super simple, super disgusting Vegetables with Broccoli Lemon Sauce. First you place 12 quartered red potatoes into a saucepan, cover them with water and cook them for 10 minutes. Then you add bell peppers cut into rings and broccoli florets for 5 minutes or until they are tender (which would never take 5 minutes). While the vegetables are cooking you "prepare" the abominable sauce by heating up: one can of 98% fat free cream of broccoli soup (which we couldn't find) with 1/2 cup low-fat mayonnaise (ick!), 4 finely chopped green onions, 1 Tbsp. lemon juice and 1/4 tsp. dried thyme leaves. First, why this is called Broccoli Lemon Sauce and not Broccoli Mayonnaise Sauce is beyond me. Why did she choose to emphasize the lemon when it's the ingredient least used?!? You can't even taste the lemon through the suffocating thyme-mayonnaise-flavored sodium. Second, this russipe is from her "Low Fat" episode. What would have been low fat would be to not use the 1/2 cup of mayonnaise! Yes, she states to use low fat, but still- it is completely uncalled for. So anyway, once the broccoli and peppers are tender, you strain them, put them into a serving dish and pour the sauce over the whole thing like so. See how gross ours looks? Blech.

Before making this I checked out the reviews (as I usually do) and found that most people complained about the potatoes not being done. This is completely accurate. At first, Liz and I were eating the potatoes and they didn't seem so bad. But then I bit into a raw potato and my opinion of the dish was ruined. 15 minutes to cook quartered red potatoes and 5 minutes to cook bell peppers is ridiculous. The red peppers were mushy and the potatoes were crunchy. Perhaps this is the only way Aunt Sandy knows how to create textures. Also, why are the bell peppers cut into rings? This is completely nonsensical.

After many bites (and dare I confess- a second helping) both Liz and I thought the sauce, when most of it was wiped off the vegetable before consumption, was not horrible and in fact was decently edible with the broccoli and potatoes...but not the peppers. Also, sometimes we got bites that tasted purely of mayonnaise which was gross, but overall it was indeed a semi-edible dish (but not something we would ever make again, nor recommend for you to make).

For dessert we made Wonton Napoleons which are really easy, look harmless, and yet are deceivingly violent. You fry up wanton wrappers and then dust them with cinnamon. Then you layer the cool wontons in between 2 Tbsp. whipped topping, sliced strawberries and raspberries. That's at least 5 Tbsp. whipped topping per napoleon. As you can see in the photos, they look pretty tasty. And they were good (if you like whipped topping, which we kinda do), except that they were impossible to eat, super messy and shards of wonton kept jabbing into our gums. I think one drew blood at one point, but the mouthful of whipped topping acted as gauze and quickly absorbed the blood (ewe). Also, they are way too large and should be scaled down to 1/4 their size to make them easier to eat. After eating half, Liz and I took the whole thing apart and picked out the berries.

This was a fairly uneventful cocktail time, perhaps because we didn't have the cocktail to soften the blow of the semi-edible food. Next time, we will make cocktails... we were foolish to ignore the essential element to any cocktail time. So until next time: keep it salty, keep it condensed, keep it "low fat" and always use too much whipped topping!

New Cocktail Time

Yes, it's been over a week since our last cocktail time, but do not fear- one is on the way! Liz and I just returned from a week long trip to Buffalo, Syracuse and everything in between. We devoured Duff's buffalo wings, delighted in Dinosaur Bar-B-Q and lapped up the culture, sights and gorgeous weather, but we are back and ready to torture ourselves with more of Aunt Sandy's super simple, flavorful russsipies. And...there is a condensed soup in our near future.

In other news our friend Joey requested to host a Mexican-themed Cocktail Time Semi-Edible party! And since we all know that Aunt Sandy's favorite cuisine is Mexican this should be exciting (and potentially dangerous to our stomachs). He plans to recreate the South of the Border episode featuring not only "mouthwatering Mexican dishes" such as Mexican Pizza and Lime Cheesecakes (not even near Mexican), but also Boracho Beans, Margarita Chicken and Cosmoritas (so we can be really drunk too!). So look forward to a great review of this party.

I have an added note to the Carrot Coconut Muffins made at the last cocktail time: as it turns out the batch of 12 muffins was not a total waste. After baking them, I left them on my kitchen counter and went out for the evening. The next day I returned home to find a couple of the muffins had mysteriously vanished. As it turns out my roommate's boyfriend came home from the bars and needed a quick snack...and he found these muffins deeeelishous (which I am guessing was because he was drunk)! Perhaps this is the way to eat all of Aunt Sandy's horrible treats, because I do imagine this is exactly the way Sandy herself would taste them. You have to be so drunk and so starving that anything would taste good on an alcohol-soaked palate. Thank you Josh for this revelation!

In the meantime, enjoy this Halloween clip of Aunt Sandy dressed as Cher. I really hope when she returns to FoodNetwork this fall that she also brings back the costumes. They were priceless:

2- 4oz. jars baby food?!

Welcome to Semi-Edible! Today, we are very hesitant to continue on with this project, due to the disgustingly disgusting crab fest from last cocktail time. So, we attempted to pick seemingly decent russipes from Aunt Sandy’s decorative and festive recipe box.

First up was the Spinach Salad with Mangos, Dried Cranberries and Chocolate Vinegar-ette.It seemed harmless enough: a bag of baby spinach, diced mangos, cranberries and chopped walnuts are tossed in a dressed up Newman’s Own balsamic vinegar-ette(this entails mixing the already delicious dressing with 1Tbs. cocoa powder and 1tsp. sugar). With these creative touches, no one is going to know that you didn't make this from scratch. Sound simple and possibly delicious right? Wrong. With this russipe, people are going to think you suck at cooking (and possibly life). First off, the proportions are completely off. We halved the russipe so we wouldn’t waste anything and can I just tell you? ¼ cup vinegar-ette for 4 cups spinach is way way way too much vinegar-ette. And you can’t take it out, because the directions say to mix the dressing in the bottom of the bowl in which you then add all the salad ingredients. It was awful because the dressing just sat there in a disgusting shallow pool and sogg-ified the mangos, walnuts and cranberries. Not only was there too much dressing, but the addition of cocoa powder is not good. I used really good dutch cocoa powder and it made the dressing taste choc-y chalky. To fix this, I recommend using the same ingredients and ditching the vinegar-ette. Fail.

Next we tried baby food! Well, not just baby food, but a whole slue of ingredients mixed into apple cinnamon muffin mix to make the semi-edible Carrot Coconut Muffins with Honey Butter. A pre-made box mix is combined with 2(maybe 4) jars pureed carrot baby food, 1/4c. apple juice, 1tsp. cinnamon, 1/2tsp. ginger and 1c. toasted coconut. This makes 12 muffins and looked like vomit when mixed (mmmmm, delishhhous). There is some contention on this recipe's review board as to the amount of baby food required. On the show she added 2 jars, but the recipe says 4. Numerous people who used 4 complained that the muffins never cooked all the way through....so we used 2 jars. The muffins were super gummy and stuck to our teeth. Liz, being the texture freak that she is, only took 2 bites. The flavor wasn't anything special either. All we could taste was cinnamon, carrot and sometimes a hint of coconut. The apple from the original muffin mix was completely lost, although perhaps that is the point since Sandy's russipe title has no mention of apple. This was served for her Garden Brunch episode; I woudn't even serve these to babies let alone brunchers. In all honesty I would gladly eat straight up baby food before making these again.

For Cocktail time we made the Big Sur Cocktail: a highball glass filed with 1 part amaretto, 1/2 part blue Curacao (is there really any other color?) and 1 part white cran juice. Harmless enough right? While it wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. And I definitely don't want a highball glass full of this ridiculously sweet concoction. It was too sweet and would work as a shot, but not a drink. Don't make this unless you like super sweet drinks. Also, please note the color difference between our drink and Aunt Sandy's. I don't know where Sandy buys her Amaretto, but mine is tinted brown, which means her drink is a fraud! Although to be honest, mine looks more like Big Sur than hers- hah.

So this cocktail time was fairly unmemorable, but at least it helped to talk us off the ledge (seriously, that crab crap was the worst experience ever. I may never eat crab again. Thanks a lot Aunt Sandy). Well, we are all out of time today so remember to keep it sweet, keep it over dressed, keep it fraudulent and always keep is Semi-Edible.

Semi-Homemakers Wanted

Many people have expressed an interest in hosting their own Cocktail Time and posting it on this blog. Liz and I thought about it for a bit and as much as we love inflicting such pain on ourselves (and how much we hate others to suffer) we decided this was a great idea! If anyone wants to make a Semi-edible russipe(s), we say- go for it!

If and when you choose to actually do this, we only ask that you follow the russipe to a T and preferably take a few photos documenting your hopefully tolerable experience. If you could make a meat dish that would be wonderful, since Liz is a veg-head which limits our range (I also have a sneaking suspicion that the meat russipes will be tastier).

Then, E-mail it all to us at semihomemakers@gmail.com and we will post it as soon as we can!

We look forward to hearing from your experiences! Also, we too welcome transvestites:

We've got crabs!

Yeah, that's right. On this week's soul crushing edition of Semi-edible with Sandra Lee, it's all about crab. We've got three god-awful dishes all featuring crab! That's right, we said crab. What in the world possesed us to make three crab dishes, I don't recall. But the end result was both a tragedy and a cause for concern.

First up was Hot Crab Rangoon Dip with Won Ton Chips. At first glance, this super simple russipe doesn't seem too bad, until you see that a key ingredient in this slop is condensed shrimp bisque. To quote the eloquent genius Liz Lemon, "What the what!?" Condensed shrimp bisque? That's not real. Can't be. And, it turns out that if it does exist, it's pretty difficult to find. So we used the most reasonable substitute, cream of shrimp soup (thanks Cambpell's, for bringing this can of pure salted evil into existence). But anyway, you throw in some lump crabmeat, shrimp soup, a brick of cream cheese, worcestershire and soy sauce with some scallions and bake it till bubbly and 'delicious'. Well, let's just say, that the dip does in fact bubble after 10 minutes under the broiler, but no amount of time spent in the oven could make this slop approach delicious. And, after smelling this concoction before it went in the oven, we knew that this wasn't likely to be good, let alone delicious. After a little cooling time, it looks

like skin with second degree burns....seriously. Mmmm, skin. And, we were correct. The crab was pungent, to say the least. But it tasted... honestly, I'm sort of at a loss for words to describe the taste. The best I can come up with is: hot, rancid, salted fish drowned in cream cream cheese and sadness. The one good thing I can say about this dip is the won ton chip fried in peanut oil. I longed for a time machine so we could go back in time and make better choices. Even Jillian said this was the worst thing we have made so far and couldn't take more than two bites. With Kwanzaa Cake being a not-so-distant memory, I disagreed. But we still had 2 more crabtastic dishes to taste. Why did we think this was a good idea?

Next up was Aunt Sandy's famous Crab Cakes with Sassy Tartar! These crab cakes were action packed with flavor! Too bad the flavor was once again salt. Thanks to the cajun seasoning (mixed with tarter sauce, hot sauce, and scallion) and Old Bay, mayonnaise, egg and crabmeat breaded with saltines(not a typo) this crabcake was pure salty goodn... I was going to say goodness, but that would be a lie. Notice how the FN website's picture has visible lumps of crab and looks tasty by comparison.

It's a lie. The crab itself was the least awful thing about the crab cakes; however, the rangoon dip had already made us kind of hate crab and ourselves, and with so many other senseless ingredients in there, it was too much.

Last but not least was the interesting and unfortunate Crab Salad with Mango Salsa. First off, how the hell she gets off calling this mango salsa is beyond me. Wanna know where the mango comes from?! Tropical fruit cups! Fruit cups!!!!! Like in a 5 year old's lunch bag! You mix the fruit cup, I mean mango(?) with cilantro, lime, ribbed, seeded, and minced jalapeno peppe

rs, and scallions. Then you layer a red wine glass with shredded lettuce, then the "salsa," then the

plain, unembelished, flavorless crab meat. You top this all off with a large dollop of sour cream. A lime wedge garnishes the top. In this episode she describes the wine glass presentation as, "Just like you would get in a gourmet restaurant!" Um...not. No self respecting restaurant would serve this crap, least of all any restaurant that claims to be "gourmet." I thought it was the least awful thing we had during this round of culinary disasters, however, it still wasn't good and I could only take two bites. The salsa was so sweet, I assume from the fruit cup juice. It's amazing that food can taste like so much and so little at the same time. Because the crab had no seasoning and the sour cream didn't taste like much of anything, and the extra sweetness of the fruit cup mixed with the cilantro, really it should have been called cilantro salad, and some filler. Also, we had no idea how Sandy wanted us to eat this. Were we to mix it up or take a little bit of each layer? I wasn't going to find out.

Finally, everyone's favorite part of the day, Cocktail Time! This week we sampled the Beach Paradise. This drink combines 1 part dark rum, 1 part guava juice, orange juice, sugar, and genadine into a completely forgettable drink. Honestly, it didn't taste bad, but I think our spirits were so broken from the nastiness that we were just greatful that it washed some of the rancid fish taste our of our mouthes and tummies.

Well as always here at Semi edible we want to remind our readers to keep it simple, keep it sweet, and always drink responsibly.