Drive-In Delights

Welcome to another episode of Semi-Edible! Today is all about recreating that fun and fabulous drive-in food we all loved as teenagers. We start things off today with a super simple Green Parsley Slaw that’s going to taste so bland, no one will really be able to complain about it. Next we are going to make Sandy's favorite burger as a child, the Drive-In Walnut Burger. Not only does this russipe include yet another flavorful seasoning packet, but it also looks like dog food! Finally, it’s cocktail time- the best time of the day! And have I got a walk down memory lane for you. We all know Aunt Sandy’s fondest memory as a young adult was ordering her favorite Orange Smoothie from her local diner and then pouring in whatever cheap alcohol she could find when no one was looking. It is super smart, super sophisticated and you have got to try this (except don’t because it’s super gross).

We started off with the Parlsey Slaw, which requires a bag of shredded cabbage, a little mayo, sour cream, white vinegar, pinch of sugar and then 1c. chopped parsley and 1/2c. scallions. Can I just tell you, I will not buy bagged cabbage, it's around 10 times the cost of the ridiculously affordable heads of cabbage. So I bought a head, cut it in half, rinsed it off, finely sliced it....ten minutes LATER I finally had shredded cabbage. No, it took 2 minutes- tops. Ms. Lee is a lunatic, but I digress. This being the first russipe we tasted, we were pretty happy. It didn't taste like anything except cabbage and parsley lightly coated with mayo, and sometimes it had a delicious surprise crunch of scallion. Overall, it was average something that needed to be doctored up. So today when I used the second half of cabbage I added cider vinegar, sour cream (no mayo) dry mustard, cumin and smoked paprika...it was much better. Everything is better with cumin.

Happy that this side dish was edible, we moved onto the burgers. Everyone knows my disdain for items masking themselves as "burgers," but Liz is a veggielover so I have to eat them from time to time. Additionally, the putrid orange patties looked so disgusting on the show I just had to make them. These things were made from 1c. walnuts, 3/4c. canned chickpeas, breadcrumbs, 1 Tbs grill seasoning, paprika, red pepper flakes, cider vinegar, olive oil and an egg. Ick. My food processor is broken so we had to make them in the blender, which isn't a problem. The very sticky patties looked so gross, but they formed and were quickly grilled. FYI, this russipe says 4 minutes per side, but be prepared for one side of the burgers to be burned. Also, what old fashioned drive-in sells walnut burgers? Once burned errr..cooked, we put the hard as rock "patties" on buns with avocado, lettuce tomato and the Pièce de résistance- honey mustard. If not for making a delicious honey mustard, this would have been

inedible. The inside of these suckers looked like dog food mush. It was creamy but dry at the same time. After three bites, I kid you not, I had to put it down because my jaw started hurting. The seasoning packet was too much. These may be better with some serious tweaking (ditch the packet, less bread crumbs, etc). Also, they sat in our stomachs like a brick. Ick.

Finally for cocktail time we made the Spiked Orange Smoothie. Which sounded a lot like her DarlingClementine, but more healthy. You take a can of frozen oj concentrate, a packet of sugar free, fat free vanilla pudding, orange cream yogurt (whatever that is), lowfat milk, 1c. vanilla vodka, 1/4c. orange liqueur, ice and blend it all together till it's thick and creamy. It smelled like a boozy orange. That being said, the taste was even worse. We have often talked about perhaps making this a video blog just so y'all can see the amazing faces we make when trying this food (especially Liz, who tends to hate everything way more than I do). Nothing we have tasted before has ever evoked such faces as this drink. Like the Kwanzaa cake, every flavor was there. The thick vanilla, the fake oj juice, the yogurt and then you get hit with vodka, vodka, vodka, orange! It's a horrible taste that no one should suffer through. It made four glasses so we drank them anyway after it diluted a bit, but oh my god. The only proper way to really show our facial expressions throughout this drink is in the following video where babies suck on lemons:

Seriously, Liz looks just like that quite often after tasting this food. So this was not the best cocktail time we've ever done. I consider it a win since our stomachs didn't get gnarly on us. So until next time: keep it over-seasoned, yet keep it bland, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

Kwanzaa in July

Even if you have never seen an episode of Semi- Homemade with Sandra Lee (lucky you), you may have still heard of the infamous Kwanzza Cake, described by the great Anthony Bourdain as "a war crime on television" that could "make your eyeballs burst into flame." Now, I realize that for the sake of this blog we have made some unfortunate concoctions in the name of science and humor, but this was one recipe I hoped we would not be trying. However, Jillian and I never fail to meet a challenge. So when our very favorite bartender Rich said (in jest) that he wanted the Kwanzaa Cake for his birthday, we of course took him seriously and set about plans to construct this abomination of pastry in his honor.

So I'm sure you are all asking yourselves "It's just a cake, how bad could it be?" The answer to that lies in the ingredients. First: take a store bought angel food cake and cut the top off. Then you scoop a can(or 2...really 2) of vanilla frosting into a bowl and add 4 tablespoons of cocoa mix, 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and 3 to 4 tsps of vanilla extract. These measurements, just so we're clear are for 2 cans of frosting. Turns out it takes more than one can to coat this trainwreck. The frosting winds up looking just like the filling from the mocha cups a few posts ago. Not sure why all of her desserts come out that color, but I digress. Ok, next you put a layer of frosting between the newly created layers of angel food cake. Then you frost the outside and we (even though the video didn't specifically say to) frosted the middle too (the crevice, if you will). To top it off, you open a can of apple pie filling

and dump it in the middle, creating a glistening pile of chunks in the middle of the dune colored cake. At this point Jillian was excited. I was excited scared.

I should mention that this cake is supposed to be adorned and ablaze with black, red and green full size taper candles. Despite our efforts, we could not find any, so we settled for plain white but were super sad about it.

Anyway, we got to the bar and put the finishing touches on the cake. I'm sure you're thinking "finishing touches?! Haven't you done enough?" No. This confection is covered in petite pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. Yeah I said it. Corn nuts. Perfect compliment to angel food cake. Everyone knows that.

So we lit the candles as The Beatles' "Birthday" played in the background and we prepared for an assault to the senses that this cake would surely inflict. We let the birthday boy cut his own first piece then Jillian and I served ourselves. Rich took a bite and said, with his mouth still full of cake, "Wow, the flavors are all there!" It reminded him (an a few others) of breakfast cereal. My reaction was pretty much shear horror and I said, also unable to actually swallow the bite, "Why does it taste like that?!" By the end of the evening we figured out that it kinda tastes like Smacks, but with a pound of sugar added. One brave soul willing to try it pointed to her mouth, again, still full of cake and said "I don't understand what's happening here." Two people were honest and said it was nasty, which it was. Two others were attempting to be polite and said it was good, but it was a little too sweet...we knew better. Visually the worst part was when the apple pie filling oozed out of the center after some slices were removed and began to melt the frosting. Frankly, it looked like vomit.

This cake was super simple, super sweet, and super gross. It is not fit for human consumption and we are grateful that nobody died in this experiment. Don't make this, not ever. Not for any reason. Oh, and Happy Birthday Rich!

Kwanzaa Eve!

Tonight we are going to make the best, most notorious, most pc thing Sandra Lee has ever created- the illustrious, the magnificent Kwanzaa cake! It's been documented all over youtube, it's on cake wrecks, there's even fabulous t-shirts! Prepare yourself for the glory that is Kwanzaa cake!!!

Review to follow...

Cocktail Time - Deep Woods Edition

Like Jillian said, 4th of July weekend in DC means one thing and one thing only to me - I gotta get the hell outta DC, and fast. So some of our friends planned a camping trip to the middle of nowhere Virginia. We loaded up the Benz on Friday morning and headed out to commune with nature for a few days. So I thought, how can I bring Aunt Sandy to the great outdoors? Do I make a dish? Do I make a drink? Perhaps both? Then I remembered that Aunt Sandy's culinary delights can cause indigestion the likes of which isn't usually seen outside of Mexico, so that's probably not a good idea. Drink it is! Also, while the Benz is a luxury vehicle, it does not have a ton of trunk space and 5 of us plus one dog was going to mean a lot of togetherness for several hours - better not have too many ingredients. So I thought back to an episode of Semi-Homemade when Aunt Sandy did something that made my heart weep, she mixed beer with lime juice concentrate. I've been "enjoying" this foray into liquor cocktails for this little experiment, but truth be told I'm a beer girl. Good beer should stand alone. No need for frills or garnish, just beer. So watching the botox grimace version of delight on Ms. Lee's face when she poured limeaid into a pitcher with Corona, I must say that a little piece of my soul died.

But anyway, I wanted to make something, and it was the only thing that made sense. So after we put up the tents I whipped out a can of semi-frozen limeaid, a rubbermaid

pitcher and prepared to inflict yet another Frankenstein beverage on my friends. Enter the Lime Beer Cocktail. 1 6-pack of beer, 1 can of limeaid, 1 half of squeezed lime, lime wedges for garnish. Simple enough. The recipe recommends Corona, but we were on a budget and had limited space so I settled for a mixture of Yuengling and Miller Light, cause I'm classy. I poured one for everyone, while assuring everyone that it would not hurt my feelings if they didn't like it, and to be honest. I think we still need some work on that "be honest" thing. Lindsay said she would have liked it more if she didn't know that there was limeaid in it. Everyone else said it wasn't that bad, a little sweet, but not bad. I wasn't a fan. It was syrupy sweet. I feel like it left a film in my mouth. Not to mention a brief flashback to my younger days when I consumed things like Smirnoff Ice and Fuzzy Navel on the regular. It was a 17 year-old chick drink. Like the here- comes-the-airplane version of beer. So if you are ever in a situation where you must serve an alcoholic beverage to someone who hates beer, or if beer is all you have, you are desperate for a drink, and happen to have a can of limeaid hanging around, this is a solid option.

Hope you all had a safe holiday weekend, and not to get you too excited, but a slow cooker edition is in the near future.

Startini Dreams and a Beer Cocktail

Cocktail time- it's the best time of the day!

Today we are doing cocktail time from two locations. The first is the comfort of my(Jillian's) own apartment whilst the tourists descend upon D.C. like locusts with strollers (I must admit, I would probably rather deal with locusts) The second is some remote location in the Virginia south where Liz & company decided to set up camp for the Fourth of July weekend (also to get away from the tourists). I get to "enjoy" a martini and Liz gets to push yet another recipe on our friends, some kind of a beer cocktail, because they are roughing it.

Sister and I were sitting on the couch waiting to venture to the Mall for the 4th of July dress rehearsal and (of course) one of this week's recorded Semi episodes (Shower Soiree) was on. Having just finally been able to find berry vodka I was ecstatic to see it being used in the Startini Dream! For a few weeks now I have been under the impression that

Aunt Sandy made up the elusive berry flavored vodka as I could not find it in liquor stores on both sides of the coast. I saw cranberry, blueberry, raspberry, blackberry, acai berry but no plain berry. Just yesterday I was walking in my local liquor store, saw Finlandia berry vodka and thought, "Ewe, I can't buy finlandia" but then after some consideration and a good pondering of, 'What would Aunt Sandy do?' I decided to ignore my liver and buy the cheap stuff! The whimsical Startini Dream is made with 2 parts berry vodka, 1 part orange liqueur and a splash (not a dash) of lime juice. The drink is stirred and poured into a cocktail glass with fresh blueberries. The blueberries give the drink that delicious fresh flavor. They freshly floated on top of the drink until they grew intoxicated and sunk to the bottom (not a good sign).

I handed the cocktail to my sister and walked back into the kitchen. From the living room I heard a moan and gagging sound from my sister. Also, not a good sign. I tested the cocktail and thought she was nuts. The only bad thing about it was that I used cheap vodka. It was boozy, but it wasn't bad. I would drink this with a good brand of vodka. That being said, I have finished half the cocktail and will not be drinking the rest of it. G-ross. I hope Liz's beer cocktail is better than this.

Saccharine with a Cherry on Top

Sister is taking a nap, Liz is camping and I am sitting around watching yesterday's semi episode, "Girl's Hoe Down." I don't understand how a Cowboy Cooler (tequila and beer) is appropriate for a girl's evening, but I digress. I was equal parts inspired and bored so I went on foodtv.com to see what I could make with my ever expanding liquor cabinet (I hope one day to have a liquor closet like Aunt Sandy, which is inevitable the way this experiment is going). This led me to the Waikiki Cocktail: one ounce of dark rum and guava juice are shaken with the juice of 1/2 a lemon and 1/2 an orange, a teaspoon of sugar and a dash of grenadine. What is the difference between a dash and a splash? Anyway, pretty sure I added just a dash, I shook the ingredients in a shaker, poured it into a martini glass and dropped in a maraschino cherry. Anything with cherries gets my vote of approval without even tasting the potentially hazardous concoction. Even if something is undrinkable, there is always that perfectly red cherry so pumped full of processed crap that even the worst drink couldn't penetrate its plastic skin. Delicious. Seriously though, I love the lil' buggers. Anyway, upon my first smell I was bombarded by the dark rum. Not a huge fan of rum, I grimaced and took my first hesitant sip. The drink doesn't taste like rum (thank god), it tastes like sweetness....but not in a very good way. It starts out tart, but then the sugar overload seeps into the tastbuds. You can taste mainly the guava and the lemon. I think the teaspoon of sugar is beyond unnecessary considering the dash of cloying grenadine and juices.

Wanting a second opinion, I just woke up my sister and shoved the drink in her hand. She said it was pretty good and wasn't too sweet for her. She must still be dreaming. Once again Aunt Sandy, this russipie is an affront to my palate.

Revenge of the Chili Seasoning

My sister's visiting so I am making meat dishes without Liz. I have been excited because so far 2 of 3 meat dishes have been good: shrimp in spicy coconut sauce and the chicken caesar salad pizza. Batting at 66% (and considering I can count the number of good recipes to date on one hand) this is the most successful category of russipies and I was pretty stoked. Having not eaten all day, my sister declared she was starving and craving chili fries. I knew exactly what recipe to choose, because I remember the Fountain Fantasy episode and I explicitly remember thinking, "Holy mother of god, that's a lot of chili sauce and packet seasoning! I would never, ever make this." Well I did make it. I made it and I ate it. And about 30 minutes later... I regretted it. But that's getting ahead of myself, first The Chili Fries start with crinkly frozen french fries (because the crinkle cut is the most childish and easiest to identify as a store-bought product). While the fries are in the oven, you brown ground beef. Aunt Sandy didn't say to drain the fat from the meat, so we didn't. Then you add an entire bottle of heinz chili sauce and an entire packed of chili seasoning. A reasonable person might think these ingredients are overdoing it already, but not Aunt Sandy. This concoction can't possibly be flavorful enough; something is needed to mask the processed taste. So she has you add mustard, onion powder and worcestershire sauce. This is how Aunt Sandy pawns this off as homemade: "Nobody's every going to know this wasn't homemade. Your guests are going to think you slaved in the kitchen for hours." I would never serve this to guests. Once combined, this gorgeous concoction bubbles on the stove for 30 minutes (which is quite a long time for someone who loves super simple russipies). After that, you know how chili fries work. Needless to say, this was not very good and I wont be making it again. My sister and I were pretty hungry though, so I am quite ashamed to say...we ate it...all.

To balance and cleanse our greasy palates we made the Gin Plush. The russipe says it makes 1 serving, but it's apparent that's a lie the second you start making the drink. Honestly, I should have known better based on prior experience with Aunt Sandy's cocktails and the fact that she clearly is a lush. The recipe calls for 1/3 cup gin (a clear hint of the serving size) poured over ice and mixed with 1/4 cup of each: guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. I found it bright, refreshing and was quite happy it made more than stated. Slightly tart with a nice tropical flavor, this is perfect for a hot summer evening. While I would totally make it again for people, my sister needed to add lots of sugar. She likes girly drinks, which I thought this was. Regardless, I was super happy to finally find a drink of hers that I can make again!

Up next (because a plate of fries was not enough for us. We were on a ground beef binge with half a pound just sitting there and waiting to be used) we made Fiery Tex-Mex Chipotle Cheeseburgers. I must start of by saying I am a bit of a purist when it comes to making burgers so this russipe scared me. I like the taste of meat (hah) so I only add salt and pepper and that's usually it. I can handle a black bean burger or something like that, but I don't like changes. Lately, I have seen the weird burger recipes from the likes of Rachel Ray and Giada. The burgers that are called "burgers" but aren't really, like the "Open Wide! Tur-Chicken Cub Burgers" (wtf kinda name is that?!) or the "Danish Burger with Herb Caper Sauce"(ick). Don't call it a burger just because it's on a bun. Anyway, this Fiery tex-mex chipoodleeee....(forget it, there are too many words in the title) already started off on my bad side. Okay. That said, this "burger" is made by mixing ground beef with 2Tbs of Tex-Mex chili seasoning, 2 chipotle chilies and 1/4 of beer. Two things:

1. What do you do with the rest of the seasoning packet?! I have seen Aunt Sandy do this numerous times on her show, so what happens to all those lost half-empty packets?

2. I had no idea there was such a thing as Tex-Mex chili seasoning, but it was right there in my grocery store next to the regular chili seasoning. If anyone can tell me how the two are different, I would really appreciate it.

The burgers are grilled and put on buns with pepper-jack and a basic chipotle mayonnaise. We had an avacado fiasco at the grocery store, so that didn't make it on the burger and is still sitting in its brown bag- hard as a rock.

The positives:

*I love chipotle and it masked the flavor of the season packeted burgers (I may or may not have used more than the recommended amount of chipotle and didn't remove the seeds at the directions suggested...oops!).

*They were messy.

*They were moist.

The negatives:

*They didn't taste like burgers.

*The beer in the burgers made them mealy and mushy.

*They had the consistency of a bad meatloaf, which weirded me out.

*I am unsure if it was the over processed chili fries, the too-juicy burgers or the amount of sodium-filled chili seasoning packets we consumed, but neither of us want to eat chili for a long time. Something didn't sit right and it felt like a big lump in the bottom of our stomachs for quite a while. Not good.

The lesson gleaned from this cocktail time? Seasoning packets are bad; gin plushes are good.