Kwanzaa in July

Even if you have never seen an episode of Semi- Homemade with Sandra Lee (lucky you), you may have still heard of the infamous Kwanzza Cake, described by the great Anthony Bourdain as "a war crime on television" that could "make your eyeballs burst into flame." Now, I realize that for the sake of this blog we have made some unfortunate concoctions in the name of science and humor, but this was one recipe I hoped we would not be trying. However, Jillian and I never fail to meet a challenge. So when our very favorite bartender Rich said (in jest) that he wanted the Kwanzaa Cake for his birthday, we of course took him seriously and set about plans to construct this abomination of pastry in his honor.

So I'm sure you are all asking yourselves "It's just a cake, how bad could it be?" The answer to that lies in the ingredients. First: take a store bought angel food cake and cut the top off. Then you scoop a can(or 2...really 2) of vanilla frosting into a bowl and add 4 tablespoons of cocoa mix, 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and 3 to 4 tsps of vanilla extract. These measurements, just so we're clear are for 2 cans of frosting. Turns out it takes more than one can to coat this trainwreck. The frosting winds up looking just like the filling from the mocha cups a few posts ago. Not sure why all of her desserts come out that color, but I digress. Ok, next you put a layer of frosting between the newly created layers of angel food cake. Then you frost the outside and we (even though the video didn't specifically say to) frosted the middle too (the crevice, if you will). To top it off, you open a can of apple pie filling

and dump it in the middle, creating a glistening pile of chunks in the middle of the dune colored cake. At this point Jillian was excited. I was excited scared.

I should mention that this cake is supposed to be adorned and ablaze with black, red and green full size taper candles. Despite our efforts, we could not find any, so we settled for plain white but were super sad about it.

Anyway, we got to the bar and put the finishing touches on the cake. I'm sure you're thinking "finishing touches?! Haven't you done enough?" No. This confection is covered in petite pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. Yeah I said it. Corn nuts. Perfect compliment to angel food cake. Everyone knows that.

So we lit the candles as The Beatles' "Birthday" played in the background and we prepared for an assault to the senses that this cake would surely inflict. We let the birthday boy cut his own first piece then Jillian and I served ourselves. Rich took a bite and said, with his mouth still full of cake, "Wow, the flavors are all there!" It reminded him (an a few others) of breakfast cereal. My reaction was pretty much shear horror and I said, also unable to actually swallow the bite, "Why does it taste like that?!" By the end of the evening we figured out that it kinda tastes like Smacks, but with a pound of sugar added. One brave soul willing to try it pointed to her mouth, again, still full of cake and said "I don't understand what's happening here." Two people were honest and said it was nasty, which it was. Two others were attempting to be polite and said it was good, but it was a little too sweet...we knew better. Visually the worst part was when the apple pie filling oozed out of the center after some slices were removed and began to melt the frosting. Frankly, it looked like vomit.

This cake was super simple, super sweet, and super gross. It is not fit for human consumption and we are grateful that nobody died in this experiment. Don't make this, not ever. Not for any reason. Oh, and Happy Birthday Rich!