Ah the dessert course...

First off, I'd like to remind everyone that the first 2 courses were not a total fail, then came dessert, and oh what a dessert it was. We made Mocha-nut Cream Cups which, despite having the word Mocha in the title do not have chocolate as an ingredient anywhere. But we figured with whipped topping, sugar free cheesecake pudding mix, and coconut extract, it must still be awesome right?! Well, not so much. The directions say to mix whipping creme, coconut milk, espresso powder, and coconut extract together, then sprinkle (sprinkle as opposed to unceremoniously dumping) sugar-free cheese cake pudding mix over the mixture and beat with a hand mixer until "medium stiff beaks" form. I'm sure you are all reading this and thinking beaks?! Medium stiff beaks? What does that entail exactly?

Well after about 10 minutes beating this coconutty mixture on low speed with the hand mixer, you realize 3 things: 1. There is no such thing as medium stiff beaks, 2. There must be an unfortunate (read drunken) typo in the recipe, and 3. I could stand here all night and attempt to whip this light brown mush into medium stiff beaks and it's never gonna happen. Ever.

So being a practical person, I gently folded in the shredded coconut and put it in the fridge for a while, hoping that refrigeration would somehow magically form the beaks. After the pre-made piecrust cooled, and after a few drinks, I placed the brown coconut goo into the cups with a healthy dollop of whipped topping and added a delicate sprinkling(this recipe is all about the sprinkling) of toasted coconut to the top and served it up to our friends.

Well, first let me say this dessert was kinda pretty. On the glass cake plate it looked really nice...edible even. But then came the taste test, and this is where it all went downhill. At first I tasted the whipped topping, then the pie crust and thought this is not so bad! 3 out of 3! But then the coconut extract finish kicked in. And then came the sudden realization that there was an uncomfortable amount of shredded coconut in these cups. It was an odd texture and a bad aftertaste. I took 2 bites and realized that the only things I liked about this dessert were the pre-made pie crust and the whipped topping, and I wasn't alone. Most of our guests proceeded to scoop the whipped topping off the top of the goop in the cup and leave the rest, for fear of getting that weird flavor back in their mouths. Jillian ate most of hers, but

lets be honest, that girl is a trooper, with a much higher tolerance for nasty than the rest of us.

Having decided to cut our losses, we moved onto the Darling Clementine to round out the evening, because nothing says consolation prize like 2 cups of orange sherbet, orange liqueur, and a cup of vanilla vodka. Once all of the parts of the blender were located, I must say, this drink was not half bad. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the Tall Dark and Handsome, but I will say I liked it. It tasted like a creamsicle. A boozy creamsicle. If you, like most of us, occasionally have to sit through awkward family gatherings on summer afternoons but don't want to hug a bottle of gin like a security blanket in order to cope, I would highly recommend this drink.

Until next time, keep it simple, keep it sweet, and always keep your liquor cabinet fully stocked.

Rim Jobs

Because we haven’t executed a full blown Cocktail Time, Liz and I decided to host tonight’s cocktail time for a few friends. We started the evening with Fried Mozzarella Nuggets paired exquisitely with the Tall, Dark and Handsome Cocktail. I have been excited for the Fried Mozzarella Nuggets the first time I actively searched through foodnetwork for recipes that wouldn't kill us. The Fried Mozzarella Nuggets (the name alone should inspire fear) are made with sting cheese sticks(cut into thirds) that are then rolled in flour, then egg, then Italian seasoned bread crumbs and fried until brown. String cheese! That processed fake cheese that everyone enjoys as a child and inexplicably shreds into perfect strings! I coudn't believe she used this. But (as much as I hate to admit this) these were actually tasty. On the downside, they were impossible to cook. Without fail, within 30 seconds of frying (regardless of the temperature because I tested tons) the crust was not yet golden, but the cheese instantly stared to ooze out. So they were good, but uber difficult to make. The Tall Dark and Handsome cocktail is 2 shots of vanilla vodka shaken with half a shot of each Coffee and Chocolate Liqueur. Our drink was not clear like Aunt Sandys (they look nothing alike, but then again we used milky godiva liqueur whereas she probably used whatever was in that week's bargain bin), but it would definitely get her boozy mark of approval. Two sips in and it we all felt it’s horrible astringent aftertaste. And....

half a drink in (mind you we each split one, so ¼ of the drink in) we all exclaimed how hot it felt in my apartment. Liz declared the cocoa rim created distasteful clumps in her mouth; whereas, Lindsay, after finishing her drink declared, “I loved that rim- I’m going to f*$!'n lick Jillian’s rim!” So rimming isn’t for everyone. But whether we like the rim or not, no one really wanted seconds.

Instead, we opened a bottle of wine for the next course- Shrimp in Spicy Coconut Sauce. Precooked shrimp are sautéed in garlic, coconut milk, red pepper flakes, soy sauce and chicken broth. I have a feeling the sauce was supposed to cook down, but simmering for the designated 5 minutes did not produce a ‘sauce’ consistency. Everyone in our group enjoyed it, but determined it was more like a soup than sauce. It would be delicious over jasmine rice, but Aunt Sandy didn’t recommend it so we didn't know.

So far (unbelievably) our Cocktail Time was succeeding! How did we manage to get 2 decent food recipes?! They were so successful that we all slurped up the shrimpy coconut broth and my sister couldn’t believe the rating for the nuggets on foodnetwork were only 4 out of 5 stars! What was going on here?! Even Liz (the pickiest person ever) ate everything on her plate…which is really saying something. Something in the dessert just had to fail….right?*

*must continue dessert portion at later date due to an early bus ride to Manhattan tomorrow morning....I know, you are all waiting with baited breath at whether the dessert would be a success or not.

Meh.

Liz hates bananas. She believes they are the most selfish food to ever exist. Have you ever left a banana around other fruit or open food containers? The next day they taste like banana too! Selfish. Despite this, I like bananas so I decided to make a cocktail I have been eyeing since day one: The Banana's Foster Cocktail. One shot vanilla vodka & banana liqueur, half a shot of butterscotch schnapps, chocolate liqueur and a splash of cream. Sadly, I ate all of my bananas so I didn't have one for the garnish, but I didn't think it would ruin the integrity of the drink (should there be any).

I tell ya, there is something about vanilla vodka that does not sit right with me. It overpowers everything else and I now wish Aunt Sandy didn't use it so much. Overall, this drink isn't bad. It is very sweet and would make a good dessert. Even though it smells faintly of banana runts, it is not very banana flavored, which disappoints me. It tastes more like liquid Werther's original (only less caramely)- which is probably why I am still drinking it. This would be better with less vanilla vodka, more banana liqueur and perhaps a splash of gingerbread liqueur for the spice aspect. Last time I checked, banana's foster didn't have vanilla or chocolate in it. I was so excited for a caramely, spicy banana concoction, but alas my thirst was not sated. Thanks again Aunt Sandy- for nothing. That will teach me to get excited for one of her recipes.

In other news, Sandra Lee is doing a cocktail demonstration tour in grocery stores!(it's actually a promotion for her magazine, but cocktail time has to be the main event). How do I figure out if/when she is coming to a local store near D.C.?! I want to go there.

Next week, Liz and I will be back in action with a brand new cocktail time! I can't.....hardly....wait......

It's a Pizza Success!*

This week I (Jillian) hoped on a plane to Southern California to visit family and attend my sister's college graduation. Liz remained up to her elbows with clients in court, and even though I was on vacation I couldn't shirk my nauseating duties, so I recruited my cousin as a guinea pig. I let her pick the recipes with one condition, every recipe had to have meat. With Liz being a vegetarian we have not ventured outside of our meat-free comfort zone (which, let's face it- has not been much comfort) and I thought perhaps (since everything else has sucked) Aunt Sandy is good with the meat (haha). So, we decided to make pizzas. Because of the horrible reviews and my cousin's shock that Sandra Lee even knew what Chorizo was, we chose the Mexican Pizza, and then balanced it with the decent looking Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza.

The Mexican Pizza is made by browning chorizo then adding jarred salsa and letting it simmer. You then take a Boboli pizza crust and spread on beans then the chorizo mixture. Then you top it with tons of mexican cheese and pop it into an oven (the recipe doesn't mention the temperature setting) until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. Once out of the oven you top the "pizza" with lettuce, tomato, crunched up tortilla chips and then drizzle ranch dressing all over....and voila- you have "mexican pizza." We could not understand how this recipe had 4 stars, because it was super salty, the chips

quickly turned to mush and all that one could taste was the chorizo. Flabergasted, we checked out the reviews and were surprised to see all of the 4 and 5 star ratings had changed the recipe! They either used ground beef instead of chorizo, withheld using ranch dressing or used their own pizza dough. I cannot stand these people. They are not rating the recipe itself and give Aunt Sandy a false sense of success. As for those who followed the recipe, they said things like: "too greasy and did not like the muddling of flavor with the ranch dressing topping," "so incredibly bad its not even funny...this has to be the lowest I have ever been in my dishes," "the best part of it was the ranch dressing and I can just eat that by itself." You get the point. These reviews shared our sentiment and we were sad we wasted delicious chorizo in such a horrible way.

Then where was the Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza, which is Semi-Edible's first edible dish! Both my cousin, mom and myself enjoyed this pizza. You marinate the chicken in caesar dressing before you grill it. You put a thin layer of caesar dressing on a boboli crust then top th

at with a mozzarella/pecorino blend. After the chicken is grilled you pop it on the pizza and put the whole thing on the grill until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. To make it easier to serve we sliced the pizza before topping each serving with a handful of caesar salad (romaine, dressing, parmesan and croutons). We all agreed the croutons were unnecessary since the crust was so crispy and it was a little difficult to keep the salad on the slice, but the three of us averaged a rating of 3.5 out of 5 stars. We have a success!!! I must admit I am one of those indivi

duals who craves those prepackaged caesar salad mixes at the grocer and dare I say, I will most likely make this again for a quick dinner as it is a good alternative to just eating a bag of salad.

So after our first venture into Meatopolis we are 1-1. Seems like Aunt Sandy knows what to do with meat (I mean, after all that is how she got on Foodnetwork in the first place, right?). And I don't blame her for not knowing what to do with chorizo, that is an ingredient way too ethnic for her midwest, super simple background. I may have to make more of her meat dishes in my spare time to test this meat theory. Up next, as I head down to San Diego I am going to try and get my sister and friends to try a cocktail time. But first, I have to make real food for my family tonight (Tyler Florence's delicious fajitas). Although I must say, Aunt Sandy's beer beef fajita isn't too different than what I usually make as a quick marinade before I grill, but she has to go and ruin it by putting it in a slow-cooker. What is wrong with this woman?

*crazy Giadaesque Italian accent required

A Tale of Two Dips

Liz and I went to our friend Lindsay's house Saturday night for our own Chilean wine tasting in an attempt to save money. To stay healthy I said I would bring crudites. What better time than to bust out some of Sandra Lee's delicious and fantastic super-simple dips? There are so many to choose from: from the guaranteed-to-induce-the-runs-hot crab rangoon dip to the undoubtedly-inedible-spicy cashew dip. Alas, those will have to wait for another day. For on this night I chose Cheddar Ranch Dip and Cucumber and Red Bell Pepper Raita. The former guaranteed to be too flavorful with a packet of ranch mix blended in sour cream and salsa con queso, the later too bland with diced up cucumber, bell pepper and mint blended into yogurt. I made the dips, cut up my veggies (Aunt Sandy recommends a container of pre-cut carrot and celery sticks...hah) and headed to Lindsay's (who may have been channeling Ms Lee early on, because she had set the table with a warm-colored tablecloth, well matched place settings and a centerpiece displaying that night's cheeses- no craft/fabric store needed).

I would not disclose the ingredients of the mystery dips until both guessed. The raita was easy, because there was really nothing in it, except tons of diced peppers and cucumbers. What's better than to dip vegetables in more chopped-up vegetables? Lots of things. Sadly, the cheddar ranch dip is not one of those things. As Liz made a face while carefully licking the dip off a carrot, she guessed it was made with sour cream, ranch and some type of southwest seasoning. But what makes it orange?! She sat there thinking till her eyes got real big and in a terrified voice said, "Please don't tell me it's cheese wiz!" So close. Overall, neither were a particular hit until a few drinks in. To quote Liz, "You know what!? After a couple drinks, I like this cheese dip. And you can quote me on it!" Hours later, we finished off the third bottle of Chilean wine and were definitely channeling the booze goddess herself. Still, I was astounded we had finished off most of the now delicious dips.

Why is this such a recurring theme with Sandy's recipes? They are either too bland to enjoy or an all out assault on the taste buds. Where is that happy medium? Where is a bonafide good recipe? Liz and I were prepared to eat some nasty things, but this is just getting ridiculous. Oh Aunt Sandy, you have to have made something tasty in your 13 seasons!

No more cheese, please!

Liz and I were planning to watch Game 3 of the Stanley Cup and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. After quickly nixing the idea of making a full Aunt Sandy meal (I wanted something fully-edible and couldn't afford to feel sick the next day) we opted for the quick side dish of Cheesy Cauliflower Gratin: frozen cauliflower, condensed cheddar cheese soup, cayenne and mexican cheese are mixed and microwaved for 6 minutes, topped with bread crumbs and parm then put under the broiler until the top gets crispy.* Oh dear lord, where do I begin. Oh right, here is a picture of this beauty's creation:

MmmMmm cheesy globby goodness. Who in their right mind would ever make this recipe exactly as is?!? Oh, right, the 40+ people that have reviewed the recipe, more than half of which gave rave reviews. Well, let me just warn you: do not trust those raving that they would "recommend it to anyone" and that this is the "best cauliflower gratin." These people are either liars or have ageusia. Here are the problems we found:

• First and foremost, who uses condensed cheesy soup to cook other than our grandma's generation? How hard is it to make a roux, add some milk and then pile in some fresh cheese? It takes 5 minutes- I do it all the time. Maybe Aunt Sandy loves the taste of sodium-soaked processed cheese with the slight background flavor of an aluminum can? Can I tell you? This is super gross.
• Frozen cauliflower is also super gross. To me, it's always obvious when someone cooks with frozen vegetables; there's a slightly plastic taste and mushy texture to it. While I will only ever use frozen peas and green beans, it was this aspect that bothered me the most; Liz said the frozen cauli didn't bother her. Eh, 1-1.
• By following the recipe we got a semi-cooked, semi-frozen mess of cauliflower. However, I have to admit, it was kind of fun taking a bite and not knowing if the piece would burn the roof of my mouth or be a cali-sicle.
• At first bite, Liz said it tasted like vomit, so she took a second bite, made a face, put her fork down and pushed the plate away from her. I was more tolerant of the dish and ate my serving's worth. I had velveeta as a child and am not one to be above enjoying cheese whiz. So although not so great, I thought it was okay. However, 20 minutes later my stomach began its revolt, which I have to say is the best reason to never again eat this dish.

This was a fail. We cannot wait for you to try this!

*We did not use the called for 1/4 tsp. salt in the recipe. We thought the 80% daily value of sodium in the canned soup was enough. We apologize that we broke one of our main rules, but it was a judgment call....a judgment call that made us not nearly as swollen the next day. It was beyond salty enough without it.

Oh orzo! Why have you forsaken me?!

So this weekend, being Memorial day and all, we decided that it was time to bite the bullet and try out some Semi-Homemade culinary delights(read: trainwrecks) on some of our nearest and dearest. So Liz hosted a backyard barbeque and we set out selecting a recipe. Considering our reputation amongst friends as good cooks, we decided not to put that in jeopardy by doing a full Aunt Sandy menu. I know, I know, it was a golden opportunity to hit up the craft store and assault our friends with a hideous tablescape as well as semiedible entrees, but we like our friends, and we want them to continue liking us. Soooo we chose a dish that seemed suitable for human consumption: Warm Orzo Salad with Mint and Feta. Mmmm Mmmm good. Or not. First, why is the recipe's name so long? It lists every key ingredient sans peas. What did peas do to deserve such neglect? The recipe calls for cooked orzo, olive oil and vinegar dressing, garlic and herb feta, mint, peas and lemon juice. This sounded perfectly reasonable. Maybe even kinda good.

The assembly was uneventful. The only small hitch was that olive oil and vinegar dressing is not a very specific direction. So unlike her! Normally the directions are so specific they even have a brand recommendation! I was briefly at a loss. Did she really want me to make my own dressing? Like homemade? So I asked myself "what would a self respecting semihomemaker do?" And then the answer came to me in the salad dressing aisle like a shiny beacon of hope - Wishbone Fat Free Zesty Italian dressing. That's what Ms. Lee would do. I was also a little sad that the Safeway didn't have precrumbled garlic and herb feta so unlike Aunt Sandy who abhors prep-work, I was forced to crumble the feta myself. Psh.

When the moment of truth came, before either of us had eaten it, I made a general announcement to our loved ones that they were about to become guinea pigs for our blog and if the salad was nasty to let us know but please not hold it against us. So we tried it and it tasted like...mint. Or nothing, depending on the bite. Turns out that a quarter cup of Fat Free Wishbone Zesty Italian dressing is not enough to flavorize 8 oz of orzo. And with a quarter cup of mint you wouldn't think it would be so overpowering but when it was there it was REALLY there. We took a poll and most people said it wasn't bad or it didn't taste like much. A few people said it would be good with basil, and more flavor.

On the upside this recipe was not the worst thing we've made so far and it's a good thing, because we were serving it to people we like. And in all honesty, I would probably make it again, with more flavor and with basil instead of mint. All in all, we may have just stumbled upon her first edible creation.