Fruity Feet

Good afternoon! While Liz "enjoys" snowy Northern New York, I enjoyed a meat-filled cocktail time in sunny Southern California! First up was the kiddie cocktail (mocktail): the Desert Cooler. This russipe doesn't even include a suggestion to transform it into a cocktail (Gasp!) for the adults in the room. What was Aunt Sandy thinking?! By itself, it is simply lacking something... probably a kick of booze. You combine equal parts orange jews, pineapple jews and sparkling apple cider- pour it over ice and garnish with pineapple. Yawn. It wasn't horrible, but it also didn't taste like much. My Aunt said it tasted mainly like pineapple, but I thought it mainly tasted like apple (the sparkle gets dulled down by the other jews). I don't know why someone would want to waste good sparkling apple cider (which by itself is delicious and always a kid's favorite holiday treat... at least it was mine) without putting some booze in it! Everyone said it needed spice rum.... and almost everyone threw their glass out.

Next was the return of condensed Campbell's cheese soup (yeay!) with the ridiculously salty Cheddar Cheese Baked Potato Soup. First you take a russet potato and put it in the microwave for 7-8 minutes. Never having cooked a potato this way, I was happy my aunt told me to poke holes in it, lest I want the thing to explode, because the russipie gives no such instruction. After 7.5 minutes, the potato was shriveled and sad looking, so I supposed it was "done." While the nuked potato cools (Sandy warns "it will be HOT!"), you heat up 2 cans cheddar cheese soup, 2.5 cups low-sodium chicken stock and 1/4 c. real bacon pieces into a medium pan. You let it simmer for a bit, add the potato (which you cut into 1/2 inch cubes once it cools) and let the whole thing simmer for 5 more minutes. To serve you garnish the soup with a dollop of sour cream. Okay first, can I just tell you that the low-sodium broth, I imagine, does nothing to compensate for the insane amount of salt in the canned cheddar soup, not to mention the bacon?! My dad took one spoonful and said, "well, that's my daily intake of sodium for the day." He wouldn't eat any more...and my dad loves salt. My sister, cousin and I actually ate some. It tasted good once our tongues were numb from the sodium overload. The potato chunks left something to be desired. Their texture felt like a really poorly made, dense gnocchi: they were gooey, chewy and gummy.

Since the soup was a bust, we moved on to a real cocktail, the Palm Springs Punch. Once 11 oz. can of pineapple jews mixes with 1 L. ginger ale and 1 c. bourbon. You pour this over ice and then add 2 (15 oz.) cans of fruit cocktail. Yes, you heard me right, fruit cocktail in a fruity cocktail...how clever, Aunt Sandy. Now as you will notice in the picture below, the can of fruit cocktail (which looked completely normal on the outside) was completely ruined and void of jews on the inside, so we had to throw away the kind with cherries (my favorite) in exchange for some fruit cocktail cups my mom had stored in the pantry for god-only-knows how long.

I didn't make as much as the russsipe called for, because no one was really interested in drinking in the middle of the afternoon (my family was not interested in following the sacred rules of cocktail time), but they were sports and took a sip. My sister's boyfriend said it tasted rancid, but that was really the worst review it got. My sister and I thought it was quite tasty (I drank mine and then picked out the booze soaked fruit afterwards), but then again we loved fruit cocktail as children, so anything that reminds us of that is delicious. In all honesty, I think it would make an excellent springtime cocktail. It also wasn't nearly as boozy as Aunt Sandy's normal monstrosities.

Pleasantly pleased, we moved onto the final dish: Sweet and Sour Chicken Skewers. In a pan, you bring to a boil: 1/2 c. apple cider vinegar, 1/4 c. brown sugar, pineapple jews, 1 T. cornstarch and 1 T. water. You let the sauce thicken for about 8 minutes, then you reserve half for the dipping sauce. As this was cooking my sister said it smelled like feet. When my Aunt and cousin came over, they said the same thing. It got so bad, my mom had to open a window. As the sauce cooled and the kitchen aired out, my cousin and I made the skewers. We alternated chunks of chicken, pineapple and red pepper, salt and peppered them, and then popped them onto a medium hot greased grill. After cooking for 4 minutes on each side, we basted them in the sweet and sour sauce. These are to be served with the dipping sauce, but my mom threw it out as soon as everyone tasted it (but me). It tasted like feet apparently. The skewers themselves weren't bad. They weren't very sweet or sour, but they had a nice mild flavor to them...and really, can you go wrong with grilled kabobs? That nice charred taste will subdue any nasty foot flavor a sauce may have.

So that just about does it for my California Cocktail Time. Liz and I will have time for a couple more entries before our winter break is over, so keep a lookout! Until then, remember to keep it a cocktail, keep it botulism free, keep it footloose, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

I'm So Sorry Hanukkah.

Hi everybody and welcome to another edition of Semi-edible! After a hiatus to contend with law school finals (lame) we have to two super simple russipies to share with you today!

First up we have Marmalade Meat Balls. You take a crockpot and fill it with 2lbs cooked, frozen meatballs. And then you squirt over it 1 bottle catalina salad dressing, spoon in 1 c. orange marmalade, toss on 3Tbs. worcestershire and liberally sprinkle 1/2tsp. red pepper flakes. The globby mixtures is then stirred, the crockput is cranked up to high and in the blink of an eye (2-3 hours) you have a gelatinous, sweet appetizer. We brought this to our friends' Christmas party, thinking it was a pretty innocuous appetizer. Turns out everyone liked (if not loved) these slimy soft balls, minus one friend Jeremy- which is weird because he loves semi-homemade items like green

bean casserole (blech). The meatballs were soft and mushy, which is not really something I like in a meatball, but they were definitely edible. The only real downside was that the sauce was very goopy and after half of them were consumed, the remaining meatballs had to be fished for with tiny toothpicks- this was gross and I soon stopped eating them.

For dessert, we brought the Star of David Angel Food Cake a.k.a. the Hanukkah Cake a.k.a. the ugly sister of the Kwanzaa Cake. I know what you're thinking- haven't we learned our lesson? Wasn't the Kwanzaa cake offensive and disgusting enough? Haven't we ruined enough perfectly good angel food cake and vanilla frosting? The answer of course, to all of your questions is yes. But that isn't the point. The point is that we committed to this blog and we are going to follow through. And if that means we must make somewhat offensive, wholly inedible desserts in the process, so be it.

So with that I give you the Hanukkah cake: First you take a store bought angel food cake and stuff the crevice with marshmallows. Since we were pressed for time, and the russipie did not specifically call for them, we did not purchase Kosher marshmallows. Now, once the marshmallow center is in place, you carefully, one drop at a time, add blue food coloring to

one container of whipped vanilla frosting. This is of course to avoid making the frosting too blue, and thus unappetizing and unauthentic. The frosting is then delicately rubbed on the cake. Finally, this Smurf-tinted delight is supposed to be garnished with strings of pearls. Not edible pearls mind you, but real ones. They are just for decoration and Aunt Sandy warns they must be taken off before consumption. Beautiful and practical, but alas, very difficult to find at Target. So instead we substituted white M&M's. They don't have quite the same sheen, but on the upside, you can eat them. Jillian did a fantastic job making the M&M Star of David on top. So now comes the "best part"- the taste test! First off, in all fairness, it is not as bad as the Kwanzaa Cake. I think that the absence of apple pie filling and cornnuts here is a big plus. That being said, this is not good.

The angel food cake is sweet. The frosting is sweeter. The marshmallows are also sweet. It is a sugar bomb in your mouth. It is the sugar equivalent of a salt lick. Then there is the texture. The frosting melts in your mouth but the angel food cake is grainy. And then there are the marshmallows. Oh the marshmallows. All chewy and gummy, they just amplify the slight graininess of the angel food. There is too much conflict and competition going on in one bite for it to be enjoyable. Jillian did not find it as unpleasant as I did, and neither did our friend Tony. But they don't have the same texture aversion that I do. Our friend Jeremy, whose house the Smuf cake was constructed in, said the following "That was beyond gross. I don't even want it in my house! Oh, and you better believe I'm salvaging the M&M's before I throw the cake in the garbage today. They didn't ask to be attached to that monstrosity!" You're right Jeremy, they didn't.

So until next time keep it Kosher, keep it Smurfy, keep it overpoweringly sweet, and always keep it Semi- Edible!

The One Where Nothing Was Bad.

Hey boys and girls and welcome to another edition of semi-edible! Today our menu is light on food, heavy on cocktail and lo and behold we liked ever single thing we made. At this point, Jillian and I thought this day would never come but the Fiesta Fondue, the Academy Cocktail, and the Gin Plush were actually sodalicious!

So first up, we began with the grand semi-edible tradition of enjoying a cocktail (the best part of the day I'll have you know) while we "cook." Enter the Academy Cocktail: mix 1 cup vodka, 1 cup orange liqueur, 2 cups white cranberry juice, and 1 juiced lime. Now I realize that the ingredients listed call for white cranberry juice, but in the photos you'll notice that the drinks are pink. Yeah well that's because I totally failed to notice

that it wasn't regular cranberry juice that would have set this drink apart from a traditional Cosmopolitan. It wasn't until Jillian was putting together the cocktail that she noticed the lack of white cranberry juice. Whoops. Oh yeah and I also failed to add an orange to the impromptu grocery list so instead of a super cool orange peel garnish we have a super cool apple peel garnish. And I think it really improved the visual appeal of the drink. Anyway, the drink is served in a merlot glass over ice and for once, a cocktail was not overpoweringly boozy or sweet. Neither of us cringed or had to plug our noses to finish it! We would even make it again! We were drinking a cosmopolitan after all. Hooray!

Ok so now that we had enjoyed a delightful cocktail it was time to move on to solid food - usually the downfall of these experiments (because while the cocktails often leave something to be desired, they still have a booztastic purpose). The Fiesta Fondue

brings back an oldie but a goodie- Campbell's Condensed Cheddar Cheese soup! We haven't seen this sodium packed slime since the Cheesy Cauliflower Gratin that no one liked. Jillian aptly likened the cheese soup to handi-snack cheese, which she loved as a kid but I didn't. But I digress. To the cheese soup add 8oz. shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup of whole milk, and a cup of chipotle salsa. You basically just heat everything up until it is smooth and then transfer it to a serving dish and enjoy. The dip is paired with dippers. Aunt Sandy suggests tortillas, bread, carrots and jicama. All of these ideas are great, but we couldn't find jicama. Anyway, it should be said that the dip is quite salty, but with a whole can of condensed cheese soup that is to be expected. We enjoyed a baguette, pita chips, carrots and broccoli for dippers. The worst thing about the dish was Jillian's genius idea to use apples as dippers. We both acknowledged that the apples were a bad idea. Overall, we like it. We both sat there dipping for the rest of the night.

So it is usually at this point in the post where our next endeavor reminds us not to get our hopes up about Aunt Sandy's culinary abilities and we muster the courage to continue with this blog. To add to this twilight zone-esque cocktail time, the Gin Plush was really good! And I genuinely mean it. You stir together 1/3 c. of gin and 1/4 c. of guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. Add ice cubes in the glass and serve! As a side note, I want to make a statement about kitchen safety. Opening club soda bottles is serious business and should be done with care. I unfortunately learned this the hard way when awash with elation from our first 2 successes that I failed to use proper care when opening the brand new bottle. The result was an explosion of club soda all over my crotch. Fail. Anyway this drink was very refreshing, not too boozy and not too sweet. The acidity of the pineapple and the bubbly of the club soda made this sodalicious. I'm not typically a fan of gin but it was really really nice!

So there you have it. 2 drinks and a appetizer. All Edible!!! So until next time keep it light, keep it refreshing, keep it safe, and occasionally keep it edible!

Tears of a Vampire

:::Insert requisite unnecessary laughter here::: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Semi-Edible! I'm Aunty McFred and today we have for you 5 sodalicious russipies that are sure to bring Halloween revelers' digestive tracts to a screeching halt!

First up we have have the Black Cloud Cocktail. This delightful cocktail is comprised of 1/2 cup of orange soda, 1 cup of orange jews (please pronounce jews for authenticity), 1 shot of orange liqueur, and 2 shots of black vodka. This supposedly makes 2 servings, but really, you can get 3 out of this.

Jillian generously layered a shot of black vodka atop each drink and gave us a stick of black licorice for garnish(except me because I don't like it). Now I'm not usually the biggest fan of orange and vodka (at least not since college) but this really wasn't that bad. The first sip is the worst, because of the shot of vodka floating on top, but you do get the orange which kinda takes to edge off. The only problem with this drink is the effect that layering black vodka on something orange...it turns brown. A rather unappetizing shade of brown. The fact that we used orange juice with pulp didn't help. But overall, not too bad. And festively pleasant.

The first dish, the Spider’s Nest Dip bore a striking similarity to 7-layer bean dip. So it sounded pretty innocuous...good even. The Aunt Sandy spooky twist on this is the sour cream “nest” in the center of the dip – you know, so it’s festive. So first the layer of refried beans goes in the bottomed of the microwave safe dish followed by a healthy layer of cheese. This then goes into the microwave to achieve melty goodness. Jillian popped it into the microwave for the allotted 1 minute and...nothing happened. It wasn’t enough time to even soften the massive mound of requisite cheese so she put it back in. But with this she blew right past the softening phase and right into the totally melted. Oops. Oh Well.

We then layered on the drained salsa, olives (mmmm pre-slices black olives), and then the sour cream, cream cheese taco seasoning packet mixture. This was topped with a layer of store bought guacamole. After the guacamole layer comes the fun part. Too bad Brycer wasn’t here because he would have really loved creating the spider’s nest (Brycer: Aunt Sandy don’t they call that a web? Aunt Sandy: Cocktail time!!!). You put a healthy dollop of sour cream in the center, then pipe it in concentric circles around the dollop. Then you take a toothpick and drag it from the center to the outside creating a "nest" er...web effect, and voila! Festive appetizer!

So starving and excited at the prospects of this appetizer, we all dug in with our blue corn tortilla and....snap! The chip broke off in the melted cheese. We tried bigger chips but to no avail. Nothing was getting through the solid layer of melted cheese. Our dreams of the perfect bite were totally dashed (note the 4 chip pile-up in the photo) We had to resort to using spoons. So lame, but tasty! The taco seasoning, for once was not overpowering and I think using slightly better than bargain-basement store-bought guacamole didn’t hurt. Sure the chip problem was annoying, but nothing a spoon couldn’t solve. Overall this was.... EDIBLE!!!! One might even say enjoyable!

So since we had a win – we followed up with dessert, the White Pumpkin Cakes. Sadly, neither Jillian nor I own mini bunt pans (we have our fingers crossed that we get them this Kwanza). But anyway, combine Pillsbury pumpkin quick bread with 2 eggs, water, and vegetable oil. We had the option of substituting apple cider for water, but someone (Jillian) thought it said apple cider vinegar on the russipie. She was wrong, so we didn’t buy any. Place in muffin tins – don’t forget to coat the muffin pan with non-stick cooking spray! And bake for 12 to 14 minutes. First off – it’s really about 20 minutes to get them golden brown, an instruction that I overlooked I think thanks to the Brown Cloud Cocktail, and got seriously annoyed with checking them every 2 minutes. But after 20 minutes they achieved golden sodaliciuos status and were set out to cool.

So after I missed the direction about the timing, I was extra careful in reading the directions for the icing. 2 cups confectioner sugar, 2 tablespoons orange liqueur. Nope, not right. Let me read that again. 2 cups confectioner’s sugar, 2 TABLESPOONS orange liqueur?! Ok. I combined the 2 ingredients and got something that looked like small hail and smelled like old lady perfume – worn by an old lady alcoholic (aka, Aunt Sandy in 5 years). Nothing near the “glaze" I was promised in the picture. Now, I know it doesn’t take much liquid to make confectioners sugar turn into frosting, but you do need more than 2 tablespoons. So after reading the reviews, I added some water, and made the glaze.

Again – epic win!!!! These were quite good, considering her track record for desserts! Because they were so good, it prompted Jillian to ask “How different is this from the box recipe?” I said I had no idea, I didn’t read the box. So I looked. The answer? No different. The russipe we “semi homemade” is exactly the same as the back of the box. Thanks Pillsbury for making pumpkin flavored bread products so good even Aunt Sandy does not require us to “improve” upon it.

Finally, Jillian made Bat Sandwiches for an impromptu rooftop gathering with friends. It's not really a russipie- you make a sandwich out of white bread, mustard, prosciutto and monterey jack cheese. Then you cut out the sandwiches into bat shapes. They were tasty (despite the weirdness of the monterey jack with prosciutto), cute and uneventful. Every meat-eater ate and enjoyed them and Jillian got to eat a lot of crusts in her free time, because each sandwich made one bat-sized sandwich. Lame.

So with 3 wins and a semi-win, you know we were bound to have out semi-bubble burst. Enter the Vampire Kiss Martini. 1 part chilled vodka, 1 part champagne, 1 part Chambord. 100% nasty. It tasted like extra dry Robitussin. But actually worse because Jillian really likes Robitussin and hated this! Nothing about it was good. And drinking it made me super sad. I actually tried to drink this while plugging my nose, much like I take liquid medicine to this day and nearly choked to death. Our friend Tony, ever polite, said it was kinda good. That's kinda false, but thanks Tony. What we didn't understand was that on the episode this cocktail is featured, Aunt Sandy uses vanilla vodka and pours some jager on top...that's it...where is that russipie?

As always- keep it spooky, keep it icky, keep it Semi-Edible, and be sure to keep Cher in your heart and mind!

Aye Caramba!

Last week we posted three of the six russipies braved by our friends during Joey's South of the Border Sodalishous Fiesta. Today, we write about the other three. First, there was the bland, dry Margarita Chicken. This was chased down with watery Boraccho Beans, and we rounded out the meal with the surprisingly tasty Black Bean Quesadillas.

Since the Quesadilla was sodalishous, I want to start with that. You spread a layer of beans, then a layer of jar salsa over a burrito-size flour tortilla. You sprinkle it wish Mexican-style shredded cheese and then put another tortilla on top and bake it in a 400 degree oven for around 15 minutes till the tortilla is crisp and brown. You take the quesadilla pizza out and cut it into four slices (can this even be called a recipe?). As a dipping sauce, you take 1/2 c. prepared guacamole and mix it with 2T. sour cream. Another topping to dip the quesadilla into is the premade salsa. Although I hold great disdain for premade salsa and guacamole, I do believe it is pretty hard to mess up a quesadilla. As you can tell from the picture, Lindsay made a massive platter full of this quesadilla appetizer and it was the first thing to go....seriously. Why Aunt Sandy decided to mix guacamole and sour cream (something I usually loathe), I'll never know. But, this was the best thing of the night (probably because it was the only russipe with store bought ingredients that weren't modified). Perhaps she thought this extra step would make it taste homemade....it didn't. But, I must confess- this was delicious (compared to everything else).

Onto the flavorless Margarita Chicken. The russipe is simple enough. You marinate 4 bone-in chicken breasts, for 2 hours in: 1 can frozen margarita mix, 2/3c. tequila, 1/2c. chopped cilantro and 2T. chicken seasoning. Then you grill the chicken till it's cooked (30 minutes). The chicken was kinda dry after 30 minutes, and the flavor didn't permeate the skin so the chicken didn't taste like much of anything, except for bland chicken breasts. Where is the salt and pepper? Yes, there was a season packet used, but come on! Salt and Pepper is a basic essential when grilling chicken and Aunt Sandy usually over-salts EVERYTHING! This was bland. Very... very... bland. That being said, we cut it up, put it into tacos and smothered the flavorless poultry in guacamole, tossed in some salsa and sprinkled on some cheese. Then it was tasty. I am surprised Aunt Sandy wasted a whole 2/3c. of tequila on such a tasteless russipie. For shame, Aunt Sandy! Our tip to you semihomemakers out there- save the tequila for the margaritas.

Finally, was the Boraccho Beans. In all honesty, I thought this russipe looked fairly tasty; I have made drunken beans before and they turned out well. This however was not the case. Joey threw 2 cans of pinto beans, 1 can of diced tomatoes and green chiles, 1 can green chiles, 1/2c frozen diced onios, 1t. crushed garlic, 1 bottle mexican beer and 1/3c. "real" bacon bits into a pot, brought it to a boil and cooked the beans for 20 minutes. Then he stirred in 1/4c. cilantro and served it with lime wedges. As you can tell by the picture, the liquid did not cook down which I thought it should have. It looked like bean soup...very unappealing. And, the taste also left something to be desired. The bacon bits made this disgusting (I know, because Joey also made a batch of these beans vegetarian style for Liz (spoiled veggie eater!) which I thought were definitely more tasty). The original russipie tasted fake and processed- like salty, plastic bacon bit beans. Blech!

So after 6 Semi-russipes, one was delicioso (although I would challenge that the quesadilla does not count as an actual russipie), two were decent, one was bland and the other two were a complete waste of ingredients. I would call the South of the Border Party a hit! Pitchers of margaritas later, we all forgot that we had come over to sample Sandy's russipes. Until next time, remember to keep it peppered, keep it vegetarian, keep it a fiesta, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

We've got crabs!

Yeah, that's right. On this week's soul crushing edition of Semi-edible with Sandra Lee, it's all about crab. We've got three god-awful dishes all featuring crab! That's right, we said crab. What in the world possesed us to make three crab dishes, I don't recall. But the end result was both a tragedy and a cause for concern.

First up was Hot Crab Rangoon Dip with Won Ton Chips. At first glance, this super simple russipe doesn't seem too bad, until you see that a key ingredient in this slop is condensed shrimp bisque. To quote the eloquent genius Liz Lemon, "What the what!?" Condensed shrimp bisque? That's not real. Can't be. And, it turns out that if it does exist, it's pretty difficult to find. So we used the most reasonable substitute, cream of shrimp soup (thanks Cambpell's, for bringing this can of pure salted evil into existence). But anyway, you throw in some lump crabmeat, shrimp soup, a brick of cream cheese, worcestershire and soy sauce with some scallions and bake it till bubbly and 'delicious'. Well, let's just say, that the dip does in fact bubble after 10 minutes under the broiler, but no amount of time spent in the oven could make this slop approach delicious. And, after smelling this concoction before it went in the oven, we knew that this wasn't likely to be good, let alone delicious. After a little cooling time, it looks

like skin with second degree burns....seriously. Mmmm, skin. And, we were correct. The crab was pungent, to say the least. But it tasted... honestly, I'm sort of at a loss for words to describe the taste. The best I can come up with is: hot, rancid, salted fish drowned in cream cream cheese and sadness. The one good thing I can say about this dip is the won ton chip fried in peanut oil. I longed for a time machine so we could go back in time and make better choices. Even Jillian said this was the worst thing we have made so far and couldn't take more than two bites. With Kwanzaa Cake being a not-so-distant memory, I disagreed. But we still had 2 more crabtastic dishes to taste. Why did we think this was a good idea?

Next up was Aunt Sandy's famous Crab Cakes with Sassy Tartar! These crab cakes were action packed with flavor! Too bad the flavor was once again salt. Thanks to the cajun seasoning (mixed with tarter sauce, hot sauce, and scallion) and Old Bay, mayonnaise, egg and crabmeat breaded with saltines(not a typo) this crabcake was pure salty goodn... I was going to say goodness, but that would be a lie. Notice how the FN website's picture has visible lumps of crab and looks tasty by comparison.

It's a lie. The crab itself was the least awful thing about the crab cakes; however, the rangoon dip had already made us kind of hate crab and ourselves, and with so many other senseless ingredients in there, it was too much.

Last but not least was the interesting and unfortunate Crab Salad with Mango Salsa. First off, how the hell she gets off calling this mango salsa is beyond me. Wanna know where the mango comes from?! Tropical fruit cups! Fruit cups!!!!! Like in a 5 year old's lunch bag! You mix the fruit cup, I mean mango(?) with cilantro, lime, ribbed, seeded, and minced jalapeno peppe

rs, and scallions. Then you layer a red wine glass with shredded lettuce, then the "salsa," then the

plain, unembelished, flavorless crab meat. You top this all off with a large dollop of sour cream. A lime wedge garnishes the top. In this episode she describes the wine glass presentation as, "Just like you would get in a gourmet restaurant!" Um...not. No self respecting restaurant would serve this crap, least of all any restaurant that claims to be "gourmet." I thought it was the least awful thing we had during this round of culinary disasters, however, it still wasn't good and I could only take two bites. The salsa was so sweet, I assume from the fruit cup juice. It's amazing that food can taste like so much and so little at the same time. Because the crab had no seasoning and the sour cream didn't taste like much of anything, and the extra sweetness of the fruit cup mixed with the cilantro, really it should have been called cilantro salad, and some filler. Also, we had no idea how Sandy wanted us to eat this. Were we to mix it up or take a little bit of each layer? I wasn't going to find out.

Finally, everyone's favorite part of the day, Cocktail Time! This week we sampled the Beach Paradise. This drink combines 1 part dark rum, 1 part guava juice, orange juice, sugar, and genadine into a completely forgettable drink. Honestly, it didn't taste bad, but I think our spirits were so broken from the nastiness that we were just greatful that it washed some of the rancid fish taste our of our mouthes and tummies.

Well as always here at Semi edible we want to remind our readers to keep it simple, keep it sweet, and always drink responsibly.

Revenge of the Chili Seasoning

My sister's visiting so I am making meat dishes without Liz. I have been excited because so far 2 of 3 meat dishes have been good: shrimp in spicy coconut sauce and the chicken caesar salad pizza. Batting at 66% (and considering I can count the number of good recipes to date on one hand) this is the most successful category of russipies and I was pretty stoked. Having not eaten all day, my sister declared she was starving and craving chili fries. I knew exactly what recipe to choose, because I remember the Fountain Fantasy episode and I explicitly remember thinking, "Holy mother of god, that's a lot of chili sauce and packet seasoning! I would never, ever make this." Well I did make it. I made it and I ate it. And about 30 minutes later... I regretted it. But that's getting ahead of myself, first The Chili Fries start with crinkly frozen french fries (because the crinkle cut is the most childish and easiest to identify as a store-bought product). While the fries are in the oven, you brown ground beef. Aunt Sandy didn't say to drain the fat from the meat, so we didn't. Then you add an entire bottle of heinz chili sauce and an entire packed of chili seasoning. A reasonable person might think these ingredients are overdoing it already, but not Aunt Sandy. This concoction can't possibly be flavorful enough; something is needed to mask the processed taste. So she has you add mustard, onion powder and worcestershire sauce. This is how Aunt Sandy pawns this off as homemade: "Nobody's every going to know this wasn't homemade. Your guests are going to think you slaved in the kitchen for hours." I would never serve this to guests. Once combined, this gorgeous concoction bubbles on the stove for 30 minutes (which is quite a long time for someone who loves super simple russipies). After that, you know how chili fries work. Needless to say, this was not very good and I wont be making it again. My sister and I were pretty hungry though, so I am quite ashamed to say...we ate it...all.

To balance and cleanse our greasy palates we made the Gin Plush. The russipe says it makes 1 serving, but it's apparent that's a lie the second you start making the drink. Honestly, I should have known better based on prior experience with Aunt Sandy's cocktails and the fact that she clearly is a lush. The recipe calls for 1/3 cup gin (a clear hint of the serving size) poured over ice and mixed with 1/4 cup of each: guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. I found it bright, refreshing and was quite happy it made more than stated. Slightly tart with a nice tropical flavor, this is perfect for a hot summer evening. While I would totally make it again for people, my sister needed to add lots of sugar. She likes girly drinks, which I thought this was. Regardless, I was super happy to finally find a drink of hers that I can make again!

Up next (because a plate of fries was not enough for us. We were on a ground beef binge with half a pound just sitting there and waiting to be used) we made Fiery Tex-Mex Chipotle Cheeseburgers. I must start of by saying I am a bit of a purist when it comes to making burgers so this russipe scared me. I like the taste of meat (hah) so I only add salt and pepper and that's usually it. I can handle a black bean burger or something like that, but I don't like changes. Lately, I have seen the weird burger recipes from the likes of Rachel Ray and Giada. The burgers that are called "burgers" but aren't really, like the "Open Wide! Tur-Chicken Cub Burgers" (wtf kinda name is that?!) or the "Danish Burger with Herb Caper Sauce"(ick). Don't call it a burger just because it's on a bun. Anyway, this Fiery tex-mex chipoodleeee....(forget it, there are too many words in the title) already started off on my bad side. Okay. That said, this "burger" is made by mixing ground beef with 2Tbs of Tex-Mex chili seasoning, 2 chipotle chilies and 1/4 of beer. Two things:

1. What do you do with the rest of the seasoning packet?! I have seen Aunt Sandy do this numerous times on her show, so what happens to all those lost half-empty packets?

2. I had no idea there was such a thing as Tex-Mex chili seasoning, but it was right there in my grocery store next to the regular chili seasoning. If anyone can tell me how the two are different, I would really appreciate it.

The burgers are grilled and put on buns with pepper-jack and a basic chipotle mayonnaise. We had an avacado fiasco at the grocery store, so that didn't make it on the burger and is still sitting in its brown bag- hard as a rock.

The positives:

*I love chipotle and it masked the flavor of the season packeted burgers (I may or may not have used more than the recommended amount of chipotle and didn't remove the seeds at the directions suggested...oops!).

*They were messy.

*They were moist.

The negatives:

*They didn't taste like burgers.

*The beer in the burgers made them mealy and mushy.

*They had the consistency of a bad meatloaf, which weirded me out.

*I am unsure if it was the over processed chili fries, the too-juicy burgers or the amount of sodium-filled chili seasoning packets we consumed, but neither of us want to eat chili for a long time. Something didn't sit right and it felt like a big lump in the bottom of our stomachs for quite a while. Not good.

The lesson gleaned from this cocktail time? Seasoning packets are bad; gin plushes are good.

Rim Jobs

Because we haven’t executed a full blown Cocktail Time, Liz and I decided to host tonight’s cocktail time for a few friends. We started the evening with Fried Mozzarella Nuggets paired exquisitely with the Tall, Dark and Handsome Cocktail. I have been excited for the Fried Mozzarella Nuggets the first time I actively searched through foodnetwork for recipes that wouldn't kill us. The Fried Mozzarella Nuggets (the name alone should inspire fear) are made with sting cheese sticks(cut into thirds) that are then rolled in flour, then egg, then Italian seasoned bread crumbs and fried until brown. String cheese! That processed fake cheese that everyone enjoys as a child and inexplicably shreds into perfect strings! I coudn't believe she used this. But (as much as I hate to admit this) these were actually tasty. On the downside, they were impossible to cook. Without fail, within 30 seconds of frying (regardless of the temperature because I tested tons) the crust was not yet golden, but the cheese instantly stared to ooze out. So they were good, but uber difficult to make. The Tall Dark and Handsome cocktail is 2 shots of vanilla vodka shaken with half a shot of each Coffee and Chocolate Liqueur. Our drink was not clear like Aunt Sandys (they look nothing alike, but then again we used milky godiva liqueur whereas she probably used whatever was in that week's bargain bin), but it would definitely get her boozy mark of approval. Two sips in and it we all felt it’s horrible astringent aftertaste. And....

half a drink in (mind you we each split one, so ¼ of the drink in) we all exclaimed how hot it felt in my apartment. Liz declared the cocoa rim created distasteful clumps in her mouth; whereas, Lindsay, after finishing her drink declared, “I loved that rim- I’m going to f*$!'n lick Jillian’s rim!” So rimming isn’t for everyone. But whether we like the rim or not, no one really wanted seconds.

Instead, we opened a bottle of wine for the next course- Shrimp in Spicy Coconut Sauce. Precooked shrimp are sautéed in garlic, coconut milk, red pepper flakes, soy sauce and chicken broth. I have a feeling the sauce was supposed to cook down, but simmering for the designated 5 minutes did not produce a ‘sauce’ consistency. Everyone in our group enjoyed it, but determined it was more like a soup than sauce. It would be delicious over jasmine rice, but Aunt Sandy didn’t recommend it so we didn't know.

So far (unbelievably) our Cocktail Time was succeeding! How did we manage to get 2 decent food recipes?! They were so successful that we all slurped up the shrimpy coconut broth and my sister couldn’t believe the rating for the nuggets on foodnetwork were only 4 out of 5 stars! What was going on here?! Even Liz (the pickiest person ever) ate everything on her plate…which is really saying something. Something in the dessert just had to fail….right?*

*must continue dessert portion at later date due to an early bus ride to Manhattan tomorrow morning....I know, you are all waiting with baited breath at whether the dessert would be a success or not.

It's a Pizza Success!*

This week I (Jillian) hoped on a plane to Southern California to visit family and attend my sister's college graduation. Liz remained up to her elbows with clients in court, and even though I was on vacation I couldn't shirk my nauseating duties, so I recruited my cousin as a guinea pig. I let her pick the recipes with one condition, every recipe had to have meat. With Liz being a vegetarian we have not ventured outside of our meat-free comfort zone (which, let's face it- has not been much comfort) and I thought perhaps (since everything else has sucked) Aunt Sandy is good with the meat (haha). So, we decided to make pizzas. Because of the horrible reviews and my cousin's shock that Sandra Lee even knew what Chorizo was, we chose the Mexican Pizza, and then balanced it with the decent looking Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza.

The Mexican Pizza is made by browning chorizo then adding jarred salsa and letting it simmer. You then take a Boboli pizza crust and spread on beans then the chorizo mixture. Then you top it with tons of mexican cheese and pop it into an oven (the recipe doesn't mention the temperature setting) until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. Once out of the oven you top the "pizza" with lettuce, tomato, crunched up tortilla chips and then drizzle ranch dressing all over....and voila- you have "mexican pizza." We could not understand how this recipe had 4 stars, because it was super salty, the chips

quickly turned to mush and all that one could taste was the chorizo. Flabergasted, we checked out the reviews and were surprised to see all of the 4 and 5 star ratings had changed the recipe! They either used ground beef instead of chorizo, withheld using ranch dressing or used their own pizza dough. I cannot stand these people. They are not rating the recipe itself and give Aunt Sandy a false sense of success. As for those who followed the recipe, they said things like: "too greasy and did not like the muddling of flavor with the ranch dressing topping," "so incredibly bad its not even funny...this has to be the lowest I have ever been in my dishes," "the best part of it was the ranch dressing and I can just eat that by itself." You get the point. These reviews shared our sentiment and we were sad we wasted delicious chorizo in such a horrible way.

Then where was the Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza, which is Semi-Edible's first edible dish! Both my cousin, mom and myself enjoyed this pizza. You marinate the chicken in caesar dressing before you grill it. You put a thin layer of caesar dressing on a boboli crust then top th

at with a mozzarella/pecorino blend. After the chicken is grilled you pop it on the pizza and put the whole thing on the grill until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. To make it easier to serve we sliced the pizza before topping each serving with a handful of caesar salad (romaine, dressing, parmesan and croutons). We all agreed the croutons were unnecessary since the crust was so crispy and it was a little difficult to keep the salad on the slice, but the three of us averaged a rating of 3.5 out of 5 stars. We have a success!!! I must admit I am one of those indivi

duals who craves those prepackaged caesar salad mixes at the grocer and dare I say, I will most likely make this again for a quick dinner as it is a good alternative to just eating a bag of salad.

So after our first venture into Meatopolis we are 1-1. Seems like Aunt Sandy knows what to do with meat (I mean, after all that is how she got on Foodnetwork in the first place, right?). And I don't blame her for not knowing what to do with chorizo, that is an ingredient way too ethnic for her midwest, super simple background. I may have to make more of her meat dishes in my spare time to test this meat theory. Up next, as I head down to San Diego I am going to try and get my sister and friends to try a cocktail time. But first, I have to make real food for my family tonight (Tyler Florence's delicious fajitas). Although I must say, Aunt Sandy's beer beef fajita isn't too different than what I usually make as a quick marinade before I grill, but she has to go and ruin it by putting it in a slow-cooker. What is wrong with this woman?

*crazy Giadaesque Italian accent required

A Tale of Two Dips

Liz and I went to our friend Lindsay's house Saturday night for our own Chilean wine tasting in an attempt to save money. To stay healthy I said I would bring crudites. What better time than to bust out some of Sandra Lee's delicious and fantastic super-simple dips? There are so many to choose from: from the guaranteed-to-induce-the-runs-hot crab rangoon dip to the undoubtedly-inedible-spicy cashew dip. Alas, those will have to wait for another day. For on this night I chose Cheddar Ranch Dip and Cucumber and Red Bell Pepper Raita. The former guaranteed to be too flavorful with a packet of ranch mix blended in sour cream and salsa con queso, the later too bland with diced up cucumber, bell pepper and mint blended into yogurt. I made the dips, cut up my veggies (Aunt Sandy recommends a container of pre-cut carrot and celery sticks...hah) and headed to Lindsay's (who may have been channeling Ms Lee early on, because she had set the table with a warm-colored tablecloth, well matched place settings and a centerpiece displaying that night's cheeses- no craft/fabric store needed).

I would not disclose the ingredients of the mystery dips until both guessed. The raita was easy, because there was really nothing in it, except tons of diced peppers and cucumbers. What's better than to dip vegetables in more chopped-up vegetables? Lots of things. Sadly, the cheddar ranch dip is not one of those things. As Liz made a face while carefully licking the dip off a carrot, she guessed it was made with sour cream, ranch and some type of southwest seasoning. But what makes it orange?! She sat there thinking till her eyes got real big and in a terrified voice said, "Please don't tell me it's cheese wiz!" So close. Overall, neither were a particular hit until a few drinks in. To quote Liz, "You know what!? After a couple drinks, I like this cheese dip. And you can quote me on it!" Hours later, we finished off the third bottle of Chilean wine and were definitely channeling the booze goddess herself. Still, I was astounded we had finished off most of the now delicious dips.

Why is this such a recurring theme with Sandy's recipes? They are either too bland to enjoy or an all out assault on the taste buds. Where is that happy medium? Where is a bonafide good recipe? Liz and I were prepared to eat some nasty things, but this is just getting ridiculous. Oh Aunt Sandy, you have to have made something tasty in your 13 seasons!

Buttery goodness?

Thus far every recipe has lived up to our blog’s semi-edible title, would today’s cocktail time be the day we break that streak, puh-leeze, god?! We went tame for today’s menu, hoping for some edible snacks because Liz was starving. We started with halving the recipes for chili cheese slices and mini cheese and olive calzones, because who really wants to eat/waste 4 chili cheese slices and 4 mini calzones? The chili cheese slices are flat, unrolled Pillsbury crescent rolls topped with Hormel chili, red onions, olives and cheese. These were not horrible; however, they were not good either. Liz said they were too bland, which some of the online reviews supported. I felt like my mouth was drying up from the inordinate amount of sodium put in Hormel chili and crescent rolls. Overall it wasn’t a horrible recipe (Liz went back for seconds) but the marriage of the buttery crescent rolls and chili was too off-putting to ever serve this.

As for the mini cheese and olive calzones, which consist of ricotta, Mexican cheese, olives and Italian seasoning wrapped in crescent dough…oy vey, it felt like my mouth was being all-out assaulted by Mussolini...if Mussolini ever shoved Italian seasoning down the Allies’ throats...which I don't think he did...which is perhaps why he lost in WWII (don't judge me, I just wanted to pick some horrible Italian analogy). First, why is Italian seasoning even a necessary herb bled to have in a kitchen?! Second, that nastiness is Potent! Every bite was painful. I imagine if you drastically lowered the seasoning and used pizza dough rather than crescent dough they would be an okay snack, but this blog is about staying true to the recipes so unfortunately, Sandy is 0-2 thus far.

The Butter Martini was not much of a savior. Equal parts vanilla vodka, pineapple juice with a splash of butterscotch schnapps and Chambord (which was in the recipe, but not the show) was not that appealing. Liz said she liked it, but the vanilla and pineapple together didn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t good enough for either of us to want another so we moved on to the Melon-tini: equal parts vodka, pineapple juice and a splash of melon liqueur. It reminded us of our childhood Ecto-Cooler, but didn’t taste nearly as awesome. Thus far I am disappointed by Aunt Sandy’s cocktails. For an alcohol-loving woman who claims cocktail time is the best time of the day (amen, Sandy!), these drinks are completely unsatisfactory. Although, perhaps assuming Sandy has standards is assuming too much.

For dessert we made the grape and ricotta crostata. How can you screw up a pie crust, ricotta and grape jelly? Oh, perhaps by requiring 1½ cups grape jelly! It oozed everywhere in the oven! And the taste was way too….grapey?

Overall cocktail time was 0-5 on the edible score board…or 5-0 on the semi-edible score board. I’m going to choose to look at it as 5-0. That looks much more promising.