Semi-homemaker's entry!

Many apologies for such a late new entry. I am currently procrastinating studying for a midterm tomorrow and thought, what better way to delay studying than to post a long overdue semi-edible entry?! Today's entry is by our friend Joey, who had us over for a Semi-Homemade Mexican Fiesta Party last month (which we have yet to write about). Joey was so happy with the results of that party (hah) that he decided to try another super simple russipe. Here is his amazing review of what sounds so gross (despite it having 90 reviews and an unbelievable 5 star rating) I wish I had been there to try it:

After creating two horrible Sandra Lee dishes already (Margarita Chicken and Borracho Beans) I was reluctant to try another recipe. However, after visiting the Semi-Homemade homepage on FN, I saw a clip where she made Apple Maple Turkey Burgers with Maple-Dijon Sauce. I laughed at the simplicity of the recipe, yet I've been hankering for a turkey burger for a while and I decided to attempt another Aunt Sandy concoction.

The ingredients are simple enough, and I had most of them, but as I was in the grocery store buying the few extra items I needed, I quickly realized how different her recipes are from her show. For example, on the show, she specifically said to use "lean ground turkey" because if it is not "lean" then it is mixed with dark turkey meat. However, the recipe merely says "ground turkey breast." I have some experience cooking with ground turkey and I have never seen ground turkey "breast" only 97% and 99% lean ground turkey. Since the 97% was on sale, I purchased that. The recipe also calls for "poultry seasoning." I'm not sure what this seasoning is. I searched the spice aisle for at least 10 minutes before an employee noticed my perplexed face and asked if he could help. However, he could only point me to McCormick's rubs that seemed to be intended for grilled chicken. I even called upon a friend to see if she knew what it was. Alas, I decided to use the only chicken seasoning I know and trust - Adobo.

The patties are made with 1 1/4 lb. ground turkey, 1/4 c. bacon bits, 1/2 c. applesauce, poultry seasoning and 2 T. maple syrup. After combining all the ingredients, I became concerned about the consistency of the meat. It was too soft and I was concerned that the burgers would fall apart once I started cooking them. My better judgment told me to add an egg to keep it together, but instead I trusted Aunt Sandy and continued on as the recipe directed.

I do not have a grill, and the show uses what appears to be an indoor electric grill, so I used my cast-iron Ikea grilling pan, which I oiled and heated on medium heat. I put the burgers in the pan and cooked each side for about 7 minutes as directed.

While the burgers were cooking, I made the Maple-Dijon sauce. However, I found the sauce to be runny and pretty much tasting like sweet mayonnaise (it's mayo, mixed with dijon and more maple syrup). Once the burgers were cooked, I added a slice of tomato and some red onions as she did on the show. Then topped it with a "dollop" of the Maple-Dijon sauce.

Surprisingly, the burger was good! A little messy because the runny Dijion sauce drips as you eat it, but it was juicy and a little sweet, which was a pleasant addition to the bland flavor of a regular turkey burger. I would have to say that I may actually make these again sometime. However, I would probably add cheese to the burger - a Gruyere or muenster perhaps. My faith in Sandra Lee has been partially restored!

Drive-In Delights

Welcome to another episode of Semi-Edible! Today is all about recreating that fun and fabulous drive-in food we all loved as teenagers. We start things off today with a super simple Green Parsley Slaw that’s going to taste so bland, no one will really be able to complain about it. Next we are going to make Sandy's favorite burger as a child, the Drive-In Walnut Burger. Not only does this russipe include yet another flavorful seasoning packet, but it also looks like dog food! Finally, it’s cocktail time- the best time of the day! And have I got a walk down memory lane for you. We all know Aunt Sandy’s fondest memory as a young adult was ordering her favorite Orange Smoothie from her local diner and then pouring in whatever cheap alcohol she could find when no one was looking. It is super smart, super sophisticated and you have got to try this (except don’t because it’s super gross).

We started off with the Parlsey Slaw, which requires a bag of shredded cabbage, a little mayo, sour cream, white vinegar, pinch of sugar and then 1c. chopped parsley and 1/2c. scallions. Can I just tell you, I will not buy bagged cabbage, it's around 10 times the cost of the ridiculously affordable heads of cabbage. So I bought a head, cut it in half, rinsed it off, finely sliced it....ten minutes LATER I finally had shredded cabbage. No, it took 2 minutes- tops. Ms. Lee is a lunatic, but I digress. This being the first russipe we tasted, we were pretty happy. It didn't taste like anything except cabbage and parsley lightly coated with mayo, and sometimes it had a delicious surprise crunch of scallion. Overall, it was average something that needed to be doctored up. So today when I used the second half of cabbage I added cider vinegar, sour cream (no mayo) dry mustard, cumin and smoked paprika...it was much better. Everything is better with cumin.

Happy that this side dish was edible, we moved onto the burgers. Everyone knows my disdain for items masking themselves as "burgers," but Liz is a veggielover so I have to eat them from time to time. Additionally, the putrid orange patties looked so disgusting on the show I just had to make them. These things were made from 1c. walnuts, 3/4c. canned chickpeas, breadcrumbs, 1 Tbs grill seasoning, paprika, red pepper flakes, cider vinegar, olive oil and an egg. Ick. My food processor is broken so we had to make them in the blender, which isn't a problem. The very sticky patties looked so gross, but they formed and were quickly grilled. FYI, this russipe says 4 minutes per side, but be prepared for one side of the burgers to be burned. Also, what old fashioned drive-in sells walnut burgers? Once burned errr..cooked, we put the hard as rock "patties" on buns with avocado, lettuce tomato and the Pièce de résistance- honey mustard. If not for making a delicious honey mustard, this would have been

inedible. The inside of these suckers looked like dog food mush. It was creamy but dry at the same time. After three bites, I kid you not, I had to put it down because my jaw started hurting. The seasoning packet was too much. These may be better with some serious tweaking (ditch the packet, less bread crumbs, etc). Also, they sat in our stomachs like a brick. Ick.

Finally for cocktail time we made the Spiked Orange Smoothie. Which sounded a lot like her DarlingClementine, but more healthy. You take a can of frozen oj concentrate, a packet of sugar free, fat free vanilla pudding, orange cream yogurt (whatever that is), lowfat milk, 1c. vanilla vodka, 1/4c. orange liqueur, ice and blend it all together till it's thick and creamy. It smelled like a boozy orange. That being said, the taste was even worse. We have often talked about perhaps making this a video blog just so y'all can see the amazing faces we make when trying this food (especially Liz, who tends to hate everything way more than I do). Nothing we have tasted before has ever evoked such faces as this drink. Like the Kwanzaa cake, every flavor was there. The thick vanilla, the fake oj juice, the yogurt and then you get hit with vodka, vodka, vodka, orange! It's a horrible taste that no one should suffer through. It made four glasses so we drank them anyway after it diluted a bit, but oh my god. The only proper way to really show our facial expressions throughout this drink is in the following video where babies suck on lemons:

Seriously, Liz looks just like that quite often after tasting this food. So this was not the best cocktail time we've ever done. I consider it a win since our stomachs didn't get gnarly on us. So until next time: keep it over-seasoned, yet keep it bland, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

Revenge of the Chili Seasoning

My sister's visiting so I am making meat dishes without Liz. I have been excited because so far 2 of 3 meat dishes have been good: shrimp in spicy coconut sauce and the chicken caesar salad pizza. Batting at 66% (and considering I can count the number of good recipes to date on one hand) this is the most successful category of russipies and I was pretty stoked. Having not eaten all day, my sister declared she was starving and craving chili fries. I knew exactly what recipe to choose, because I remember the Fountain Fantasy episode and I explicitly remember thinking, "Holy mother of god, that's a lot of chili sauce and packet seasoning! I would never, ever make this." Well I did make it. I made it and I ate it. And about 30 minutes later... I regretted it. But that's getting ahead of myself, first The Chili Fries start with crinkly frozen french fries (because the crinkle cut is the most childish and easiest to identify as a store-bought product). While the fries are in the oven, you brown ground beef. Aunt Sandy didn't say to drain the fat from the meat, so we didn't. Then you add an entire bottle of heinz chili sauce and an entire packed of chili seasoning. A reasonable person might think these ingredients are overdoing it already, but not Aunt Sandy. This concoction can't possibly be flavorful enough; something is needed to mask the processed taste. So she has you add mustard, onion powder and worcestershire sauce. This is how Aunt Sandy pawns this off as homemade: "Nobody's every going to know this wasn't homemade. Your guests are going to think you slaved in the kitchen for hours." I would never serve this to guests. Once combined, this gorgeous concoction bubbles on the stove for 30 minutes (which is quite a long time for someone who loves super simple russipies). After that, you know how chili fries work. Needless to say, this was not very good and I wont be making it again. My sister and I were pretty hungry though, so I am quite ashamed to say...we ate it...all.

To balance and cleanse our greasy palates we made the Gin Plush. The russipe says it makes 1 serving, but it's apparent that's a lie the second you start making the drink. Honestly, I should have known better based on prior experience with Aunt Sandy's cocktails and the fact that she clearly is a lush. The recipe calls for 1/3 cup gin (a clear hint of the serving size) poured over ice and mixed with 1/4 cup of each: guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. I found it bright, refreshing and was quite happy it made more than stated. Slightly tart with a nice tropical flavor, this is perfect for a hot summer evening. While I would totally make it again for people, my sister needed to add lots of sugar. She likes girly drinks, which I thought this was. Regardless, I was super happy to finally find a drink of hers that I can make again!

Up next (because a plate of fries was not enough for us. We were on a ground beef binge with half a pound just sitting there and waiting to be used) we made Fiery Tex-Mex Chipotle Cheeseburgers. I must start of by saying I am a bit of a purist when it comes to making burgers so this russipe scared me. I like the taste of meat (hah) so I only add salt and pepper and that's usually it. I can handle a black bean burger or something like that, but I don't like changes. Lately, I have seen the weird burger recipes from the likes of Rachel Ray and Giada. The burgers that are called "burgers" but aren't really, like the "Open Wide! Tur-Chicken Cub Burgers" (wtf kinda name is that?!) or the "Danish Burger with Herb Caper Sauce"(ick). Don't call it a burger just because it's on a bun. Anyway, this Fiery tex-mex chipoodleeee....(forget it, there are too many words in the title) already started off on my bad side. Okay. That said, this "burger" is made by mixing ground beef with 2Tbs of Tex-Mex chili seasoning, 2 chipotle chilies and 1/4 of beer. Two things:

1. What do you do with the rest of the seasoning packet?! I have seen Aunt Sandy do this numerous times on her show, so what happens to all those lost half-empty packets?

2. I had no idea there was such a thing as Tex-Mex chili seasoning, but it was right there in my grocery store next to the regular chili seasoning. If anyone can tell me how the two are different, I would really appreciate it.

The burgers are grilled and put on buns with pepper-jack and a basic chipotle mayonnaise. We had an avacado fiasco at the grocery store, so that didn't make it on the burger and is still sitting in its brown bag- hard as a rock.

The positives:

*I love chipotle and it masked the flavor of the season packeted burgers (I may or may not have used more than the recommended amount of chipotle and didn't remove the seeds at the directions suggested...oops!).

*They were messy.

*They were moist.

The negatives:

*They didn't taste like burgers.

*The beer in the burgers made them mealy and mushy.

*They had the consistency of a bad meatloaf, which weirded me out.

*I am unsure if it was the over processed chili fries, the too-juicy burgers or the amount of sodium-filled chili seasoning packets we consumed, but neither of us want to eat chili for a long time. Something didn't sit right and it felt like a big lump in the bottom of our stomachs for quite a while. Not good.

The lesson gleaned from this cocktail time? Seasoning packets are bad; gin plushes are good.