Ok, so back around Christmas time, Jillian and I were sitting around drinking and watching Semi-Homemade and I saw what I considered to be the greatest pastry ever made, Sandra Lee's Noel Cake. It is mint green, with red licorice and a sugar cone on top. It looks like a cake sandcastle. It was glorious. As the baker of the duo, I said "dude I'm making you that for your birthday". Jillian said, "Your birthday is first!" and so, when April rolled around, Jillian began planning what would be the most glorious cake wreck I've ever seen. Jillian woke up and walked straight down to the grocery store for supplies. She was super excited to recreate this super simple masterpiece. It required 4 boxes of cake mix and 4 cans of frosting- among other processed items. Yes, the recipe calls for pre-made store bought cakes, but where in the world does Aunt Sandy shop? There is no way a grocery store will sell you 2 unfrosted 10-inch chocolate cakes, 2 9-inch spice cakes and 2 6-inch chocolate cake rounds. Jillian didn't even have those size cake pans, but she figured she would cut the cakes to fit. Easy as pie.
When she started blending the box mix, the spice cake smelled disgusting- why oh why did Aunt Sandy pick that flavor? After the baking, Jillian began assembling. That's when I started getting the text messages. "Damn this cake, it's impossible to stack!" "This is going to be a mess." Apparently the cake was impossible to stack and instantly started to lean. By the time the entire cake was stacked it was
leaning more than Aunt Sandy after cocktail time. Frosting the cake was more daunting than the stacking; the cake immediately started to crumble because the rounds had to be cut to match the specific directions. Getting frustrated, Jillian hurried to complete the cake, already late for the party. Unfortunately, Jillian's haste was no match for the Noel Cake's girth- the whole top half slid off the bottom round. The Noel Cake was ruined! Jillian walked to the party empty handed, head hung in shame, and angry at the time spent on the inedible monstrosity. The Noel cake sat at home in a heap- a disgusting, processed store-bought mess. Recipe #1 = fail.
Well the next day, I was deeply curious about just how bad this super simple monstrosity came out, so I went to to Jillian's to try it. And oh holy Jesus it was a frikin disaster. There were parts of the cake strewn about the counter, as she disassembled it after it fell apart. The spice cake, which I've made before, from scratch, was nasty. I wish I had a more eloquent word to describe, but that cake was nasty. The rest gave me a flashback to my mother's fake-n-bake birthday cakes but was certainly nothing to shout about. But, it sure was funny to see Jillian humbled by box cake mix, and Sandra Lee. Super simple my ass.
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