Buttery goodness?

Thus far every recipe has lived up to our blog’s semi-edible title, would today’s cocktail time be the day we break that streak, puh-leeze, god?! We went tame for today’s menu, hoping for some edible snacks because Liz was starving. We started with halving the recipes for chili cheese slices and mini cheese and olive calzones, because who really wants to eat/waste 4 chili cheese slices and 4 mini calzones? The chili cheese slices are flat, unrolled Pillsbury crescent rolls topped with Hormel chili, red onions, olives and cheese. These were not horrible; however, they were not good either. Liz said they were too bland, which some of the online reviews supported. I felt like my mouth was drying up from the inordinate amount of sodium put in Hormel chili and crescent rolls. Overall it wasn’t a horrible recipe (Liz went back for seconds) but the marriage of the buttery crescent rolls and chili was too off-putting to ever serve this.

As for the mini cheese and olive calzones, which consist of ricotta, Mexican cheese, olives and Italian seasoning wrapped in crescent dough…oy vey, it felt like my mouth was being all-out assaulted by Mussolini...if Mussolini ever shoved Italian seasoning down the Allies’ throats...which I don't think he did...which is perhaps why he lost in WWII (don't judge me, I just wanted to pick some horrible Italian analogy). First, why is Italian seasoning even a necessary herb bled to have in a kitchen?! Second, that nastiness is Potent! Every bite was painful. I imagine if you drastically lowered the seasoning and used pizza dough rather than crescent dough they would be an okay snack, but this blog is about staying true to the recipes so unfortunately, Sandy is 0-2 thus far.

The Butter Martini was not much of a savior. Equal parts vanilla vodka, pineapple juice with a splash of butterscotch schnapps and Chambord (which was in the recipe, but not the show) was not that appealing. Liz said she liked it, but the vanilla and pineapple together didn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t good enough for either of us to want another so we moved on to the Melon-tini: equal parts vodka, pineapple juice and a splash of melon liqueur. It reminded us of our childhood Ecto-Cooler, but didn’t taste nearly as awesome. Thus far I am disappointed by Aunt Sandy’s cocktails. For an alcohol-loving woman who claims cocktail time is the best time of the day (amen, Sandy!), these drinks are completely unsatisfactory. Although, perhaps assuming Sandy has standards is assuming too much.

For dessert we made the grape and ricotta crostata. How can you screw up a pie crust, ricotta and grape jelly? Oh, perhaps by requiring 1½ cups grape jelly! It oozed everywhere in the oven! And the taste was way too….grapey?

Overall cocktail time was 0-5 on the edible score board…or 5-0 on the semi-edible score board. I’m going to choose to look at it as 5-0. That looks much more promising.

Lucky Lady... lucky she didn't throw up.

It’s after 5 and I’m on summer vacation so it’s okay to enjoy cocktail time and today’s tivo’d episode of SH, right? Today I opted for the Lucky Lady, mainly because it was the first recipe I found with booze I already had (and can I just tell you, I’m too lazy to go downstairs to the grocer during the day). The lucky lady consists of equal parts apple brandy, orange liqueur, and orange juice, poured over ice, stirred and strained into a martini glass. I don’t know who is lucky in this drink- Is it the lady who can finish one glass? She would have to be lucky to consume and survive such a feat. More likely, the lucky one is the man who, after drinking this, should have no problem talking this lady into coming home with him, because she will most certainly be sloshed after knocking back a couple of these. Which really doesn’t make her a lady at all. And probably not very lucky.

I decided to shake my lucky lady rather than stir (I'm not as adventurous as Ms. Lee) and I shudder to think what merely stirring it would cause it to taste like. The brandy is overpowering, but it doesn’t taste too bad as long as I don’t smell it (which we all know is how Aunt Sandy drinks). All in all I do not recommend this drink unless you have a high tolerance and a fondness for apple brandy.

I think tomorrow I am going to venture to Target for my very first crock pot. There are far too many super simple recipes I cannot wait to try.

Cocktail Time the First

If the Noel Cake disaster was any indication, our first official Cocktail Time was going to be interesting. For the menu we decided to make Potato Souffle, La Romana Tomatoes Gratin, and the jello-infused Berry Amazing Cooler (yes, I said jello).

First to prep was the potato soufflé because the thing takes 60 minutes to cook. This was my first adventure into instant mashed potatoes, and although I wouldn’t make them again, I have to say that once I added water, stirred and heated, they really weren’t too terrible. Fake potatoes aside, everything else was pretty standard. We popped it into the oven with fingers crossed. During the ridiculous amount of time we had to wait for our super processed, powdered potato soufflé we began the cocktail! The berry amazing cooler states it makes 4 servings and contains a myriad of juices, vodka and ….strawberry jell-o. We worried that the mixture would congeal, because we all remember (hopefully) those nasty jell-o shots from the hazy, lazy college days. Luckily Aunt Sandy’s intent is to guzzle immediately. We each hesitantly poured a full glass of the fruity concoction (Ms Lee's flawless pouring technique is impressive and couldn't be matched). Immediately it became evident that this drink did not make 4 servings; the pitcher looked as though none was missing. Ready for a long afternoon, we took the first sip, which was quite tasty! The juices really masked the vodka and the jell-o made the drink slightly more viscous than a typical cocktail. We were happy to sip on our first round of cocktails as we prepped the La Romana Tomatoes Gratin. It sounds fancy, but it’s just tomatoes cut in half, sprinkled with shredded parmesan cheese and crushed garlic (yes, I used the prepared jar garlic she recommends in the recipe), that are then roasted in a 450 degree oven for 12 minutes. This is not a gratin.

Waiting for everything to finish we sat down to an episode of Semi-Homemade, because it was only 2pm. During this time we finished round 2 of the berry amazing cooler and realized that this russsipe (because we were talking like her by this time) did not make 4 servings, but unless Aunt Sandy has mammoth sized glasses, this russipe in fact made 8 servings! I have no idea why Liz and I never questioned the 1 ½ cups of vodka, but 2 drinks in and we were starting to feel like maybe cocktail time wasn’t such a good idea so early in the day. Round 3 exposed patches of jell-o forming in the bottom of the pitcher- a sight we excitedly welcomed because it meant we were almost done.

Finally, after 60 minutes of waiting around for the damn potato soufflé we opened the oven and were super elated that it had risen! Carefully placing it down we went for the tomatoes, which were another story. After 12 minutes in the oven they were still soft and not very roasted. Wanting to stay true to the recipe we took them out and ate.

The tomatoes were too raw, but I could seem them being perfect after another 10 minutes. There wasn’t much semi-homemade about this dish so there is nothing out of the ordinary to critique. The soufflé it had sadly deflated back to its original size by the time we took out the tomatoes. The aesthetics gone, we prayed it tasted good. It didn’t. The potatoes were masked by an overly eggy taste. The speckles of chive added nothing to the dish and Liz couldn’t finish her serving due to its texture.

No one should spend this kind of time waiting around for a packaged potato soufflé when they can make the potatoes and add other flavor themselves. Sadly, the best part of our first cocktail time was sitting on the couch slowly finishing round 4 and enjoying (read: mocking) Aunt Sandy’s Spicy Sports Spread episode with the drunken watermelon sloshtail and festive baseball themed tablescape. I am both excited and frightened for what this summer's weekly cocktail time will lead to for me and Liz.

Happy Birthday To You!

Ok, so back around Christmas time, Jillian and I were sitting around drinking and watching Semi-Homemade and I saw what I considered to be the greatest pastry ever made, Sandra Lee's Noel Cake. It is mint green, with red licorice and a sugar cone on top. It looks like a cake sandcastle. It was glorious. As the baker of the duo, I said "dude I'm making you that for your birthday". Jillian said, "Your birthday is first!" and so, when April rolled around, Jillian began planning what would be the most glorious cake wreck I've ever seen.

Jillian woke up and walked straight down to the grocery store for supplies. She was super excited to recreate this super simple masterpiece. It required 4 boxes of cake mix and 4 cans of frosting- among other processed items. Yes, the recipe calls for pre-made store bought cakes, but where in the world does Aunt Sandy shop? There is no way a grocery store will sell you 2 unfrosted 10-inch chocolate cakes, 2 9-inch spice cakes and 2 6-inch chocolate cake rounds. Jillian didn't even have those size cake pans, but she figured she would cut the cakes to fit. Easy as pie.

When she started blending the box mix, the spice cake smelled disgusting- why oh why did Aunt Sandy pick that flavor? After the baking, Jillian began assembling. That's when I started getting the text messages. "Damn this cake, it's impossible to stack!" "This is going to be a mess." Apparently the cake was impossible to stack and instantly started to lean. By the time the entire cake was stacked it wasleaning more than Aunt Sandy after cocktail time. Frosting the cake was more daunting than the stacking; the cake immediately started to crumble because the rounds had to be cut to match the specific directions. Getting frustrated, Jillian hurried to complete the cake, already late for the party. Unfortunately, Jillian's haste was no match for the Noel Cake's girth- the whole top half slid off the bottom round. The Noel Cake was ruined! Jillian walked to the party empty handed, head hung in shame, and angry at the time spent on the inedible monstrosity. The Noel cake sat at home in a heap- a disgusting, processed store-bought mess. Recipe #1 = fail.

Well the next day, I was deeply curious about just how bad this super simple monstrosity came out, so I went to to Jillian's to try it. And oh holy Jesus it was a frikin disaster. There were parts of the cake strewn about the counter, as she disassembled it after it fell apart. The spice cake, which I've made before, from scratch, was nasty. I wish I had a more eloquent word to describe, but that cake was nasty. The rest gave me a flashback to my mother's fake-n-bake birthday cakes but was certainly nothing to shout about. But, it sure was funny to see Jillian humbled by box cake mix, and Sandra Lee. Super simple my ass.