Semi Edible: 1 part Sandra Lee, 2 parts vodka

Fruity Feet

2010-12-30T11:20:00.016-05:00

Good afternoon! While Liz "enjoys" snowy Northern New York, I enjoyed a meat-filled cocktail time in sunny Southern California! First up was the kiddie cocktail (mocktail): the Desert Cooler. This russipe doesn't even include a suggestion to transform it into a cocktail (Gasp!) for the adults in the room. What was Aunt Sandy thinking?! By itself, it is simply lacking something... probably a kick of booze. You combine equal parts orange jews, pineapple jews and sparkling apple cider- pour it over ice and garnish with pineapple. Yawn. It wasn't horrible, but it also didn't taste like much. My Aunt said it tasted mainly like pineapple, but I thought it mainly tasted like apple (the sparkle gets dulled down by the other jews). I don't know why someone would want to waste good sparkling apple cider (which by itself is delicious and always a kid's favorite holiday treat... at least it was mine) without putting some booze in it! Everyone said it needed spice rum.... and almost everyone threw their glass out.

Next was the return of condensed Campbell's cheese soup (yeay!) with the ridiculously salty Cheddar Cheese Baked Potato Soup. First you take a russet potato and put it in the microwave for 7-8 minutes. Never having cooked a potato this way, I was happy my aunt told me to poke holes in it, lest I want the thing to explode, because the russipie gives no such instruction. After 7.5 minutes, the potato was shriveled and sad looking, so I supposed it was "done." While the nuked potato cools (Sandy warns "it will be HOT!"), you heat up 2 cans cheddar cheese soup, 2.5 cups low-sodium chicken stock and 1/4 c. real bacon pieces into a medium pan. You let it simmer for a bit, add the potato (which you cut into 1/2 inch cubes once it cools) and let the whole thing simmer for 5 more minutes. To serve you garnish the soup with a dollop of sour cream. Okay first, can I just tell you that the low-sodium broth, I imagine, does nothing to compensate for the insane amount of salt in the canned cheddar soup, not to mention the bacon?! My dad took one spoonful and said, "well, that's my daily intake of sodium for the day." He wouldn't eat any more...and my dad loves salt. My sister, cousin and I actually ate some. It tasted good once our tongues were numb from the sodium overload. The potato chunks left something to be desired. Their texture felt like a really poorly made, dense gnocchi: they were gooey, chewy and gummy.

Since the soup was a bust, we moved on to a real cocktail, the Palm Springs Punch. Once 11 oz. can of pineapple jews mixes with 1 L. ginger ale and 1 c. bourbon. You pour this over ice and then add 2 (15 oz.) cans of fruit cocktail. Yes, you heard me right, fruit cocktail in a fruity cocktail...how clever, Aunt Sandy. Now as you will notice in the picture below, the can of fruit cocktail (which looked completely normal on the outside) was completely ruined and void of jews on the inside, so we had to throw away the kind with cherries (my favorite) in exchange for some fruit cocktail cups my mom had stored in the pantry for god-only-knows how long.

I didn't make as much as the russsipe called for, because no one was really interested in drinking in the middle of the afternoon (my family was not interested in following the sacred rules of cocktail time), but they were sports and took a sip. My sister's boyfriend said it tasted rancid, but that was really the worst review it got. My sister and I thought it was quite tasty (I drank mine and then picked out the booze soaked fruit afterwards), but then again we loved fruit cocktail as children, so anything that reminds us of that is delicious. In all honesty, I think it would make an excellent springtime cocktail. It also wasn't nearly as boozy as Aunt Sandy's normal monstrosities.

Pleasantly pleased, we moved onto the final dish: Sweet and Sour Chicken Skewers. In a pan, you bring to a boil: 1/2 c. apple cider vinegar, 1/4 c. brown sugar, pineapple jews, 1 T. cornstarch and 1 T. water. You let the sauce thicken for about 8 minutes, then you reserve half for the dipping sauce. As this was cooking my sister said it smelled like feet. When my Aunt and cousin came over, they said the same thing. It got so bad, my mom had to open a window. As the sauce cooled and the kitchen aired out, my cousin and I made the skewers. We alternated chunks of chicken, pineapple and red pepper, salt and peppered them, and then popped them onto a medium hot greased grill. After cooking for 4 minutes on each side, we basted them in the sweet and sour sauce. These are to be served with the dipping sauce, but my mom threw it out as soon as everyone tasted it (but me). It tasted like feet apparently. The skewers themselves weren't bad. They weren't very sweet or sour, but they had a nice mild flavor to them...and really, can you go wrong with grilled kabobs? That nice charred taste will subdue any nasty foot flavor a sauce may have.

So that just about does it for my California Cocktail Time. Liz and I will have time for a couple more entries before our winter break is over, so keep a lookout! Until then, remember to keep it a cocktail, keep it botulism free, keep it footloose, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

I'm So Sorry Hanukkah.

2010-12-19T15:36:00.012-05:00

Hi everybody and welcome to another edition of Semi-edible! After a hiatus to contend with law school finals (lame) we have to two super simple russipies to share with you today!

First up we have Marmalade Meat Balls. You take a crockpot and fill it with 2lbs cooked, frozen meatballs. And then you squirt over it 1 bottle catalina salad dressing, spoon in 1 c. orange marmalade, toss on 3Tbs. worcestershire and liberally sprinkle 1/2tsp. red pepper flakes. The globby mixtures is then stirred, the crockput is cranked up to high and in the blink of an eye (2-3 hours) you have a gelatinous, sweet appetizer. We brought this to our friends' Christmas party, thinking it was a pretty innocuous appetizer. Turns out everyone liked (if not loved) these slimy soft balls, minus one friend Jeremy- which is weird because he loves semi-homemade items like green

bean casserole (blech). The meatballs were soft and mushy, which is not really something I like in a meatball, but they were definitely edible. The only real downside was that the sauce was very goopy and after half of them were consumed, the remaining meatballs had to be fished for with tiny toothpicks- this was gross and I soon stopped eating them.

For dessert, we brought the Star of David Angel Food Cake a.k.a. the Hanukkah Cake a.k.a. the ugly sister of the Kwanzaa Cake. I know what you're thinking- haven't we learned our lesson? Wasn't the Kwanzaa cake offensive and disgusting enough? Haven't we ruined enough perfectly good angel food cake and vanilla frosting? The answer of course, to all of your questions is yes. But that isn't the point. The point is that we committed to this blog and we are going to follow through. And if that means we must make somewhat offensive, wholly inedible desserts in the process, so be it.

So with that I give you the Hanukkah cake: First you take a store bought angel food cake and stuff the crevice with marshmallows. Since we were pressed for time, and the russipie did not specifically call for them, we did not purchase Kosher marshmallows. Now, once the marshmallow center is in place, you carefully, one drop at a time, add blue food coloring to

one container of whipped vanilla frosting. This is of course to avoid making the frosting too blue, and thus unappetizing and unauthentic. The frosting is then delicately rubbed on the cake. Finally, this Smurf-tinted delight is supposed to be garnished with strings of pearls. Not edible pearls mind you, but real ones. They are just for decoration and Aunt Sandy warns they must be taken off before consumption. Beautiful and practical, but alas, very difficult to find at Target. So instead we substituted white M&M's. They don't have quite the same sheen, but on the upside, you can eat them. Jillian did a fantastic job making the M&M Star of David on top. So now comes the "best part"- the taste test! First off, in all fairness, it is not as bad as the Kwanzaa Cake. I think that the absence of apple pie filling and cornnuts here is a big plus. That being said, this is not good.

The angel food cake is sweet. The frosting is sweeter. The marshmallows are also sweet. It is a sugar bomb in your mouth. It is the sugar equivalent of a salt lick. Then there is the texture. The frosting melts in your mouth but the angel food cake is grainy. And then there are the marshmallows. Oh the marshmallows. All chewy and gummy, they just amplify the slight graininess of the angel food. There is too much conflict and competition going on in one bite for it to be enjoyable. Jillian did not find it as unpleasant as I did, and neither did our friend Tony. But they don't have the same texture aversion that I do. Our friend Jeremy, whose house the Smuf cake was constructed in, said the following "That was beyond gross. I don't even want it in my house! Oh, and you better believe I'm salvaging the M&M's before I throw the cake in the garbage today. They didn't ask to be attached to that monstrosity!" You're right Jeremy, they didn't.

So until next time keep it Kosher, keep it Smurfy, keep it overpoweringly sweet, and always keep it Semi- Edible!

Ooops!

2010-11-15T22:36:00.004-05:00

It has been brought to our attention that we may have tried the Gin Plush russipe before. And it turns out..... we had - during the chili seasoning disaster. When planning for this Friday's cocktail time I asked Liz if we had already done the gin plush, because it sounded too familiar. Liz said no and I believed her. Liz was wrong. But, in her defense, she didn't know she was wrong. Liz had never tried the gin plush, it was something my sister and I did one summer evening.

We, the Semi-homemakers would like to take this time to apologize for repeating a cocktail (to be fair, it was the most delicious Sandy cocktail we have ever had, both blog entries vouch for this so this mistake is not so bad) and we promise never to repeat a russipe again. Scouts honor.

The One Where Nothing Was Bad.

2010-11-14T18:17:00.002-05:00

Hey boys and girls and welcome to another edition of semi-edible! Today our menu is light on food, heavy on cocktail and lo and behold we liked ever single thing we made. At this point, Jillian and I thought this day would never come but the Fiesta Fondue, the Academy Cocktail, and the Gin Plush were actually sodalicious!

So first up, we began with the grand semi-edible tradition of enjoying a cocktail (the best part of the day I'll have you know) while we "cook." Enter the Academy Cocktail: mix 1 cup vodka, 1 cup orange liqueur, 2 cups white cranberry juice, and 1 juiced lime. Now I realize that the ingredients listed call for white cranberry juice, but in the photos you'll notice that the drinks are pink. Yeah well that's because I totally failed to notice

that it wasn't regular cranberry juice that would have set this drink apart from a traditional Cosmopolitan. It wasn't until Jillian was putting together the cocktail that she noticed the lack of white cranberry juice. Whoops. Oh yeah and I also failed to add an orange to the impromptu grocery list so instead of a super cool orange peel garnish we have a super cool apple peel garnish. And I think it really improved the visual appeal of the drink. Anyway, the drink is served in a merlot glass over ice and for once, a cocktail was not overpoweringly boozy or sweet. Neither of us cringed or had to plug our noses to finish it! We would even make it again! We were drinking a cosmopolitan after all. Hooray!

Ok so now that we had enjoyed a delightful cocktail it was time to move on to solid food - usually the downfall of these experiments (because while the cocktails often leave something to be desired, they still have a booztastic purpose). The Fiesta Fondue

brings back an oldie but a goodie- Campbell's Condensed Cheddar Cheese soup! We haven't seen this sodium packed slime since the Cheesy Cauliflower Gratin that no one liked. Jillian aptly likened the cheese soup to handi-snack cheese, which she loved as a kid but I didn't. But I digress. To the cheese soup add 8oz. shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup of whole milk, and a cup of chipotle salsa. You basically just heat everything up until it is smooth and then transfer it to a serving dish and enjoy. The dip is paired with dippers. Aunt Sandy suggests tortillas, bread, carrots and jicama. All of these ideas are great, but we couldn't find jicama. Anyway, it should be said that the dip is quite salty, but with a whole can of condensed cheese soup that is to be expected. We enjoyed a baguette, pita chips, carrots and broccoli for dippers. The worst thing about the dish was Jillian's genius idea to use apples as dippers. We both acknowledged that the apples were a bad idea. Overall, we like it. We both sat there dipping for the rest of the night.

So it is usually at this point in the post where our next endeavor reminds us not to get our hopes up about Aunt Sandy's culinary abilities and we muster the courage to continue with this blog. To add to this twilight zone-esque cocktail time, the Gin Plush was really good! And I genuinely mean it. You stir together 1/3 c. of gin and 1/4 c. of guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. Add ice cubes in the glass and serve! As a side note, I want to make a statement about kitchen safety. Opening club soda bottles is serious business and should be done with care. I unfortunately learned this the hard way when awash with elation from our first 2 successes that I failed to use proper care when opening the brand new bottle. The result was an explosion of club soda all over my crotch. Fail. Anyway this drink was very refreshing, not too boozy and not too sweet. The acidity of the pineapple and the bubbly of the club soda made this sodalicious. I'm not typically a fan of gin but it was really really nice!

So there you have it. 2 drinks and a appetizer. All Edible!!! So until next time keep it light, keep it refreshing, keep it safe, and occasionally keep it edible!

Way to Go Governor Cuomo!

2010-11-03T21:51:00.007-04:00

The Semi-homemakers want to congratulate Aunt Sandy’s paramour, Andrew Cuomo, on becoming the new Governor of New York! We would also like to extend our sincere condolences for the humiliation that Aunt Sandy’s Harlem Christmas specials will surely bring him.

See the political couple here – party boobs in tow.

Tears of a Vampire

2010-11-01T23:00:00.003-04:00

:::Insert requisite unnecessary laughter here::: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Semi-Edible! I'm Aunty McFred and today we have for you 5 sodalicious russipies that are sure to bring Halloween revelers' digestive tracts to a screeching halt!

First up we have have the Black Cloud Cocktail. This delightful cocktail is comprised of 1/2 cup of orange soda, 1 cup of orange jews (please pronounce jews for authenticity), 1 shot of orange liqueur, and 2 shots of black vodka. This supposedly makes 2 servings, but really, you can get 3 out of this.

Jillian generously layered a shot of black vodka atop each drink and gave us a stick of black licorice for garnish(except me because I don't like it). Now I'm not usually the biggest fan of orange and vodka (at least not since college) but this really wasn't that bad. The first sip is the worst, because of the shot of vodka floating on top, but you do get the orange which kinda takes to edge off. The only problem with this drink is the effect that layering black vodka on something orange...it turns brown. A rather unappetizing shade of brown. The fact that we used orange juice with pulp didn't help. But overall, not too bad. And festively pleasant.

The first dish, the Spider’s Nest Dip bore a striking similarity to 7-layer bean dip. So it sounded pretty innocuous...good even. The Aunt Sandy spooky twist on this is the sour cream “nest” in the center of the dip – you know, so it’s festive. So first the layer of refried beans goes in the bottomed of the microwave safe dish followed by a healthy layer of cheese. This then goes into the microwave to achieve melty goodness. Jillian popped it into the microwave for the allotted 1 minute and...nothing happened. It wasn’t enough time to even soften the massive mound of requisite cheese so she put it back in. But with this she blew right past the softening phase and right into the totally melted. Oops. Oh Well.

We then layered on the drained salsa, olives (mmmm pre-slices black olives), and then the sour cream, cream cheese taco seasoning packet mixture. This was topped with a layer of store bought guacamole. After the guacamole layer comes the fun part. Too bad Brycer wasn’t here because he would have really loved creating the spider’s nest (Brycer: Aunt Sandy don’t they call that a web? Aunt Sandy: Cocktail time!!!). You put a healthy dollop of sour cream in the center, then pipe it in concentric circles around the dollop. Then you take a toothpick and drag it from the center to the outside creating a "nest" er...web effect, and voila! Festive appetizer!

So starving and excited at the prospects of this appetizer, we all dug in with our blue corn tortilla and....snap! The chip broke off in the melted cheese. We tried bigger chips but to no avail. Nothing was getting through the solid layer of melted cheese. Our dreams of the perfect bite were totally dashed (note the 4 chip pile-up in the photo) We had to resort to using spoons. So lame, but tasty! The taco seasoning, for once was not overpowering and I think using slightly better than bargain-basement store-bought guacamole didn’t hurt. Sure the chip problem was annoying, but nothing a spoon couldn’t solve. Overall this was.... EDIBLE!!!! One might even say enjoyable!

So since we had a win – we followed up with dessert, the White Pumpkin Cakes. Sadly, neither Jillian nor I own mini bunt pans (we have our fingers crossed that we get them this Kwanza). But anyway, combine Pillsbury pumpkin quick bread with 2 eggs, water, and vegetable oil. We had the option of substituting apple cider for water, but someone (Jillian) thought it said apple cider vinegar on the russipie. She was wrong, so we didn’t buy any. Place in muffin tins – don’t forget to coat the muffin pan with non-stick cooking spray! And bake for 12 to 14 minutes. First off – it’s really about 20 minutes to get them golden brown, an instruction that I overlooked I think thanks to the Brown Cloud Cocktail, and got seriously annoyed with checking them every 2 minutes. But after 20 minutes they achieved golden sodaliciuos status and were set out to cool.

So after I missed the direction about the timing, I was extra careful in reading the directions for the icing. 2 cups confectioner sugar, 2 tablespoons orange liqueur. Nope, not right. Let me read that again. 2 cups confectioner’s sugar, 2 TABLESPOONS orange liqueur?! Ok. I combined the 2 ingredients and got something that looked like small hail and smelled like old lady perfume – worn by an old lady alcoholic (aka, Aunt Sandy in 5 years). Nothing near the “glaze" I was promised in the picture. Now, I know it doesn’t take much liquid to make confectioners sugar turn into frosting, but you do need more than 2 tablespoons. So after reading the reviews, I added some water, and made the glaze.

Again – epic win!!!! These were quite good, considering her track record for desserts! Because they were so good, it prompted Jillian to ask “How different is this from the box recipe?” I said I had no idea, I didn’t read the box. So I looked. The answer? No different. The russipe we “semi homemade” is exactly the same as the back of the box. Thanks Pillsbury for making pumpkin flavored bread products so good even Aunt Sandy does not require us to “improve” upon it.

Finally, Jillian made Bat Sandwiches for an impromptu rooftop gathering with friends. It's not really a russipie- you make a sandwich out of white bread, mustard, prosciutto and monterey jack cheese. Then you cut out the sandwiches into bat shapes. They were tasty (despite the weirdness of the monterey jack with prosciutto), cute and uneventful. Every meat-eater ate and enjoyed them and Jillian got to eat a lot of crusts in her free time, because each sandwich made one bat-sized sandwich. Lame.

So with 3 wins and a semi-win, you know we were bound to have out semi-bubble burst. Enter the Vampire Kiss Martini. 1 part chilled vodka, 1 part champagne, 1 part Chambord. 100% nasty. It tasted like extra dry Robitussin. But actually worse because Jillian really likes Robitussin and hated this! Nothing about it was good. And drinking it made me super sad. I actually tried to drink this while plugging my nose, much like I take liquid medicine to this day and nearly choked to death. Our friend Tony, ever polite, said it was kinda good. That's kinda false, but thanks Tony. What we didn't understand was that on the episode this cocktail is featured, Aunt Sandy uses vanilla vodka and pours some jager on top...that's it...where is that russipie?

As always- keep it spooky, keep it icky, keep it Semi-Edible, and be sure to keep Cher in your heart and mind!

Aye Caramba!

2010-10-19T08:00:00.003-04:00

Last week we posted three of the six russipies braved by our friends during Joey's South of the Border Sodalishous Fiesta. Today, we write about the other three. First, there was the bland, dry Margarita Chicken. This was chased down with watery Boraccho Beans, and we rounded out the meal with the surprisingly tasty Black Bean Quesadillas.

Since the Quesadilla was sodalishous, I want to start with that. You spread a layer of beans, then a layer of jar salsa over a burrito-size flour tortilla. You sprinkle it wish Mexican-style shredded cheese and then put another tortilla on top and bake it in a 400 degree oven for around 15 minutes till the tortilla is crisp and brown. You take the quesadilla pizza out and cut it into four slices (can this even be called a recipe?). As a dipping sauce, you take 1/2 c. prepared guacamole and mix it with 2T. sour cream. Another topping to dip the quesadilla into is the premade salsa. Although I hold great disdain for premade salsa and guacamole, I do believe it is pretty hard to mess up a quesadilla. As you can tell from the picture, Lindsay made a massive platter full of this quesadilla appetizer and it was the first thing to go....seriously. Why Aunt Sandy decided to mix guacamole and sour cream (something I usually loathe), I'll never know. But, this was the best thing of the night (probably because it was the only russipe with store bought ingredients that weren't modified). Perhaps she thought this extra step would make it taste homemade....it didn't. But, I must confess- this was delicious (compared to everything else).

Onto the flavorless Margarita Chicken. The russipe is simple enough. You marinate 4 bone-in chicken breasts, for 2 hours in: 1 can frozen margarita mix, 2/3c. tequila, 1/2c. chopped cilantro and 2T. chicken seasoning. Then you grill the chicken till it's cooked (30 minutes). The chicken was kinda dry after 30 minutes, and the flavor didn't permeate the skin so the chicken didn't taste like much of anything, except for bland chicken breasts. Where is the salt and pepper? Yes, there was a season packet used, but come on! Salt and Pepper is a basic essential when grilling chicken and Aunt Sandy usually over-salts EVERYTHING! This was bland. Very... very... bland. That being said, we cut it up, put it into tacos and smothered the flavorless poultry in guacamole, tossed in some salsa and sprinkled on some cheese. Then it was tasty. I am surprised Aunt Sandy wasted a whole 2/3c. of tequila on such a tasteless russipie. For shame, Aunt Sandy! Our tip to you semihomemakers out there- save the tequila for the margaritas.

Finally, was the Boraccho Beans. In all honesty, I thought this russipe looked fairly tasty; I have made drunken beans before and they turned out well. This however was not the case. Joey threw 2 cans of pinto beans, 1 can of diced tomatoes and green chiles, 1 can green chiles, 1/2c frozen diced onios, 1t. crushed garlic, 1 bottle mexican beer and 1/3c. "real" bacon bits into a pot, brought it to a boil and cooked the beans for 20 minutes. Then he stirred in 1/4c. cilantro and served it with lime wedges. As you can tell by the picture, the liquid did not cook down which I thought it should have. It looked like bean soup...very unappealing. And, the taste also left something to be desired. The bacon bits made this disgusting (I know, because Joey also made a batch of these beans vegetarian style for Liz (spoiled veggie eater!) which I thought were definitely more tasty). The original russipie tasted fake and processed- like salty, plastic bacon bit beans. Blech!

So after 6 Semi-russipes, one was delicioso (although I would challenge that the quesadilla does not count as an actual russipie), two were decent, one was bland and the other two were a complete waste of ingredients. I would call the South of the Border Party a hit! Pitchers of margaritas later, we all forgot that we had come over to sample Sandy's russipes. Until next time, remember to keep it peppered, keep it vegetarian, keep it a fiesta, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

Peaches y Crema

2010-10-11T19:40:00.021-04:00

Hola! As stated in the last entry, our friend Joey wanted to host a Mexican Fiesta party, semi homemade style. As soon as he mentioned it, Liz and I jumped all over this opportunity. What better venue to get a huge amount of victims…er subjects….er friends to taste lots of Aunt Sandy’s good ol’ Mexican delicacies? After all, Mexican food is Sandy's favorite food so there were plenty of super simple russipies waiting for us to test. I brought a hot, semi-delicious pot of Creamy Green Chile Soup while Liz tackled what I feel was one of the grossest russipies to date: Halibut Tacos with Peach Salsa. For cocktail time Joey served up Cosmoritas.

Because cocktail time is the best time of the day, I'll start with the Cosmorita. You shake an ice filled martini shaker with 1 shot of tequila, a splash of lime juice and 2 shots cranberry. You strain the concoction into a glass and garnish with a lime wheel. This doesn’t sound that bad- and it wasn’t. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Aunt Sandy took most of the ingredients in a cosmopolitan and added tequila instead of vodka. How. Original. And if I liked tequila more, I probably would make this again. But I don't, so I wont. This is a strong tasting drink- we all passed around and sampled one glass as opposed to each of us drinking one and then being floored. Needless to say for the rest of the night, the rest of us stuck to margaritas, sangria and tecate.

My favorite item of the night (that was from a Semi-Russipe) was my Creamy Green Chile Soup. In a pot you boil 1 c. frozen chopped onions (this was our first russipe using frozen onions! I was so excited and can I just tell you they were super easy to find in the store), 1t. garlic, 1c. frozen corn, 2 cans diced green chile, 4c. chicken stock and 1tsp. Mexican seasoning. I could not find Mexican Seasoning (does it exist?)…just Mexican Taco mix, so I used that. While this boils, in another skillet you add 2Tbs butter, 1c. corn and 1 can green chiles. Then you add 1 package of fresh (gasp!) sliced mushrooms and sauté for 10 minutes. This is quite the complex russipe. The directions from there get kind of confusing. I deciphered them (and Liz corroborated my idea) to mean that you then puree the soup mix, and as the final steps add the sautéed vegetables, stir in ¾ cup crema and pepper the shit out of the soup to get a decent flavor (no salt necessary). There are warnings in the directions to keep the blender from blasting scalding soup into your eyes and all over the counter… heed these warning. Because even if you heed the warnings, the soup explodes. In all fairness I was running late, so I didn’t really let the soup cool before blending, but hey, I like to live on the wild side sometimes. This soup was fairly well received at the party once it was garnished with cilantro and cheese. Everyone said they would eat it again or would want to eat a bowlful of it. Liz didn’t like it, and though I thought the mushrooms were slimy- I enjoyed it. I took the leftovers home, added some chicken and had a couple delicious meals out of it. All in all, I would say this was not so super simple (considering the ease of her other russipies) but worth making.

Next was Liz’s heroic creation of Sandy’s Halibut Tacos with Peach Salsa. Now really, just looking at the title of this is deceiving. Sure there’s a slight hesitation at the thought of peaches on fish tacos, but mangos and pineapples have been successful, if not delicious, on tacos. And everyone loves fish tacos, verdad? Si. But then you learn that there’s allspice involved. And not just a pinch of allspice, but a whole heaping teaspoon! Ick times 5. But I am getting ahead of myself here. First, Liz took a pound of tilapia and marinated it in a packet of hot taco seasoning mix for 30 minutes. She chose to diverge from the russipe and use tilapia instead of halibut for two reasons. First, we are poor law students. And second, we aren’t about to waste good halibut on something as gross as this. The sodium infused fish is then grilled and put on corn tortillas. It is topped with coleslaw mix and the peach salsa. Despite the taco seasoning mix, this still sounds harmless, if not tasty. But no, the peach salsa is absolutely, without a doubt in my top 3 worst Semi-Edible dishes. You take 2c. mild chunky salsa, add 1c. chopped frozen peach slices and 1t. allspice. Aye dios mio!

First off, 99% of pre-made salsas are inedible to begin with... adding allspice and frozen peaches would make even homemade salsas inedible. Liz and I decided it smelled and tasted like old people and potpourri salsa. After we finished gagging and gulping down our margaritas to kill the aftertaste, we made sure everyone tried one bite before we ditched the salsa and ate the fish tacos plain or with guacamole. It was absolutely inedible and I am sorry I ever put that in my mouth.

There are three other sodalicious items made for the fiesta that we will post next week. In all honesty, they weren't bad. Although, in my opinion, nothing short of the Hot Crab Rangoon Dip can ever be as bad as that peach salsa. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

So until next time remember to keep it Mexican, keep it slimy, keep it allspice free, and always keep it Semi-Edible.

Semi-homemaker's entry!

2010-10-03T19:00:00.011-04:00

Many apologies for such a late new entry. I am currently procrastinating studying for a midterm tomorrow and thought, what better way to delay studying than to post a long overdue semi-edible entry?! Today's entry is by our friend Joey, who had us over for a Semi-Homemade Mexican Fiesta Party last month (which we have yet to write about). Joey was so happy with the results of that party (hah) that he decided to try another super simple russipe. Here is his amazing review of what sounds so gross (despite it having 90 reviews and an unbelievable 5 star rating) I wish I had been there to try it:

After creating two horrible Sandra Lee dishes already (Margarita Chicken and Borracho Beans) I was reluctant to try another recipe. However, after visiting the Semi-Homemade homepage on FN, I saw a clip where she made Apple Maple Turkey Burgers with Maple-Dijon Sauce. I laughed at the simplicity of the recipe, yet I've been hankering for a turkey burger for a while and I decided to attempt another Aunt Sandy concoction.

The ingredients are simple enough, and I had most of them, but as I was in the grocery store buying the few extra items I needed, I quickly realized how different her recipes are from her show. For example, on the show, she specifically said to use "lean ground turkey" because if it is not "lean" then it is mixed with dark turkey meat. However, the recipe merely says "ground turkey breast." I have some experience cooking with ground turkey and I have never seen ground turkey "breast" only 97% and 99% lean ground turkey. Since the 97% was on sale, I purchased that. The recipe also calls for "poultry seasoning." I'm not sure what this seasoning is. I searched the spice aisle for at least 10 minutes before an employee noticed my perplexed face and asked if he could help. However, he could only point me to McCormick's rubs that seemed to be intended for grilled chicken. I even called upon a friend to see if she knew what it was. Alas, I decided to use the only chicken seasoning I know and trust - Adobo.

The patties are made with 1 1/4 lb. ground turkey, 1/4 c. bacon bits, 1/2 c. applesauce, poultry seasoning and 2 T. maple syrup. After combining all the ingredients, I became concerned about the consistency of the meat. It was too soft and I was concerned that the burgers would fall apart once I started cooking them. My better judgment told me to add an egg to keep it together, but instead I trusted Aunt Sandy and continued on as the recipe directed.

I do not have a grill, and the show uses what appears to be an indoor electric grill, so I used my cast-iron Ikea grilling pan, which I oiled and heated on medium heat. I put the burgers in the pan and cooked each side for about 7 minutes as directed.

While the burgers were cooking, I made the Maple-Dijon sauce. However, I found the sauce to be runny and pretty much tasting like sweet mayonnaise (it's mayo, mixed with dijon and more maple syrup). Once the burgers were cooked, I added a slice of tomato and some red onions as she did on the show. Then topped it with a "dollop" of the Maple-Dijon sauce.

Surprisingly, the burger was good! A little messy because the runny Dijion sauce drips as you eat it, but it was juicy and a little sweet, which was a pleasant addition to the bland flavor of a regular turkey burger. I would have to say that I may actually make these again sometime. However, I would probably add cheese to the burger - a Gruyere or muenster perhaps. My faith in Sandra Lee has been partially restored!

Premier of Semi-Homemade!

2010-09-11T13:56:00.004-04:00

This is a friendly reminder that tomorrow at 11:30am is the premier of Aunt Sandy's 14th season of Semi-Homemade! The first episode is called Garden Party and promises amazing russipies like Broccoli Pie, Blushing Strawberry Cupcakes and boasts an "eye-popping tablescape filled with breathtaking decorating ideas sure to make your next party sing!" I don't know about you, but I have always wondered how I could put broccoli into a pie, so this is going to be amazing.

This episode is going to be sodalicious, I cannot wait to watch it!

Sandra Lee Marathon!

2010-09-04T12:58:00.005-04:00

We are all sad that this weekend marks the end of Summer. But, what better way to celebrate Labor Day than by watching a Sandra Lee Marathon on Food Network from 10-4! I just saw a commercial for this and I don't know about you, but I am super excited to sit on my couch all day Monday to watch this patriotic display.

In anticipation, here is a clip of Aunt Sandy creating a red, white and blue trifle...it actually looks okay, minus the bottle of red food coloring and massive whipped topping that she suggests can become even more processed-tasting by adding an extract. My favorite part is where she instructs us to, "work it down into all those nice airy places." Happy Labor Day!

Jagged Little Wontons

2010-08-30T18:01:00.011-04:00

We realize we have been gone a while, which saddens me. As stated before, Liz and I went on vacation right before our 3L year began, which affected our cocktail times. And, normally when we start school there are about 2 weeks to coast and get accustomed to learning again...this time however, we were instantly as hectic as Aunt Sandy's minions attempting to find the perfect matching kitchenaid. We will not be able to post as often as we did before (unless we fail out) but we will try to keep this going, because it has been a lot of fun (despite the indigestion and barely-edible food). Also, this could be the time where you guys come in and create your own cocktail time!

Back to Semi-Edible! For today's amazing adventure we dive yet again into the sodium packed condensed soup world with a super simple, super disgusting Vegetables with Broccoli Lemon Sauce. First you place 12 quartered red potatoes into a saucepan, cover them with water and cook them for 10 minutes. Then you add bell peppers cut into rings and broccoli florets for 5 minutes or until they are tender (which would never take 5 minutes). While the vegetables are cooking you "prepare" the abominable sauce by heating up: one can of 98% fat free cream of broccoli soup (which we couldn't find) with 1/2 cup low-fat mayonnaise (ick!), 4 finely chopped green onions, 1 Tbsp. lemon juice and 1/4 tsp. dried thyme leaves. First, why this is called Broccoli Lemon Sauce and not Broccoli Mayonnaise Sauce is beyond me. Why did she choose to emphasize the lemon when it's the ingredient least used?!? You can't even taste the lemon through the suffocating thyme-mayonnaise-flavored sodium. Second, this russipe is from her "Low Fat" episode. What would have been low fat would be to not use the 1/2 cup of mayonnaise! Yes, she states to use low fat, but still- it is completely uncalled for. So anyway, once the broccoli and peppers are tender, you strain them, put them into a serving dish and pour the sauce over the whole thing like so. See how gross ours looks? Blech.

Before making this I checked out the reviews (as I usually do) and found that most people complained about the potatoes not being done. This is completely accurate. At first, Liz and I were eating the potatoes and they didn't seem so bad. But then I bit into a raw potato and my opinion of the dish was ruined. 15 minutes to cook quartered red potatoes and 5 minutes to cook bell peppers is ridiculous. The red peppers were mushy and the potatoes were crunchy. Perhaps this is the only way Aunt Sandy knows how to create textures. Also, why are the bell peppers cut into rings? This is completely nonsensical.

After many bites (and dare I confess- a second helping) both Liz and I thought the sauce, when most of it was wiped off the vegetable before consumption, was not horrible and in fact was decently edible with the broccoli and potatoes...but not the peppers. Also, sometimes we got bites that tasted purely of mayonnaise which was gross, but overall it was indeed a semi-edible dish (but not something we would ever make again, nor recommend for you to make).

For dessert we made Wonto n Napoleons which are really easy, look harmless, and yet are deceivingly violent. You fry up wanton wrappers and then dust them with cinnamon. Then you layer the cool wontons in between 2 Tbsp. whipped topping, sliced strawberries and raspberries. That's at least 5 Tbsp. whipped topping per napoleon. As you can see in the photos, they look pretty tasty. And they were good (if you like whipped topping, which we kinda do), except that they were impossible to eat, super messy and shards of wonton kept jabbing into our gums. I think one drew blood at one point, but the mouthful of whipped topping acted as gauze and quickly absorbed the blood (ewe). Also, they are way too large and should be scaled down to 1/4 their size to make them easier to eat. After eating half, Liz and I took the whole thing apart and picked out the berries.

This was a fairly uneventful cocktail time, perhaps because we didn't have the cocktail to soften the blow of the semi-edible food. Next time, we will make cocktails... we were foolish to ignore the essential element to any cocktail time. So until next time: keep it salty, keep it condensed, keep it "low fat" and always use too much whipped topping!

New Cocktail Time

2010-08-18T22:15:00.005-04:00

Yes, it's been over a week since our last cocktail time, but do not fear- one is on the way! Liz and I just returned from a week long trip to Buffalo, Syracuse and everything in between. We devoured Duff's buffalo wings, delighted in Dinosaur Bar-B-Q and lapped up the culture, sights and gorgeous weather, but we are back and ready to torture ourselves with more of Aunt Sandy's super simple, flavorful russsipies. And...there is a condensed soup in our near future.

In other news our friend Joey requested to host a Mexican-themed Cocktail Time Semi-Edible party! And since we all know that Aunt Sandy's favorite cuisine is Mexican this should be exciting (and potentially dangerous to our stomachs). He plans to recreate the South of the Border episode featuring not only "mouthwatering Mexican dishes" such as Mexican Pizza and Lime Cheesecakes (not even near Mexican), but also Boracho Beans, Margarita Chicken and Cosmoritas (so we can be really drunk too!). So look forward to a great review of this party.

I have an added note to the Carrot Coconut Muffins made at the last cocktail time: as it turns out the batch of 12 muffins was not a total waste. After baking them, I left them on my kitchen counter and went out for the evening. The next day I returned home to find a couple of the muffins had mysteriously vanished. As it turns out my roommate's boyfriend came home from the bars and needed a quick snack...and he found these muffins deeeelishous (which I am guessing was because he was drunk)! Perhaps this is the way to eat all of Aunt Sandy's horrible treats, because I do imagine this is exactly the way Sandy herself would taste them. You have to be so drunk and so starving that anything would taste good on an alcohol-soaked palate. Thank you Josh for this revelation!

In the meantime, enjoy this Halloween clip of Aunt Sandy dressed as Cher. I really hope when she returns to FoodNetwork this fall that she also brings back the costumes. They were priceless:

2- 4oz. jars baby food?!

2010-08-07T12:30:00.009-04:00

Welcome to Semi-Edible! Today, we are very hesitant to continue on with this project, due to the disgustingly disgusting crab fest from last cocktail time. So, we attempted to pick seemingly decent russipes from Aunt Sandy’s decorative and festive recipe box.

First up was the Spinach Salad with Mangos, Dried Cranberries and Chocolate Vinegar-ette.It seemed harmless enough: a bag of baby spinach, diced mangos, cranberries and chopped walnuts are tossed in a dressed up Newman’s Own balsamic vinegar-ette(this entails mixing the already delicious dressing with 1Tbs. cocoa powder and 1tsp. sugar). With these creative touches, no one is going to know that you didn't make this from scratch. Sound simple and possibly delicious right? Wrong. With this russipe, people are going to think you suck at cooking (and possibly life). First off, the proportions are completely off. We halved the russipe so we wouldn’t waste anything and can I just tell you? ¼ cup vinegar-ette for 4 cups spinach is way way way too much vinegar-ette. And you can’t take it out, because the directions say to mix the dressing in the bottom of the bowl in which you then add all the salad ingredients. It was awful because the dressing just sat there in a disgusting shallow pool and sogg-ified the mangos, walnuts and cranberries. Not only was there too much dressing, but the addition of cocoa powder is not good. I used really good dutch cocoa powder and it made the dressing taste choc-y chalky. To fix this, I recommend using the same ingredients and ditching the vinegar-ette. Fail.

Next we tried baby food! Well, not just baby food, but a whole slue of ingredients mixed into apple cinnamon muffin mix to make the semi-edible Carrot Coconut Muffin s with Honey Butter. A pre-made box mix is combined with 2(maybe 4) jars pureed carrot baby food, 1/4c. apple juice, 1tsp. cinnamon, 1/2tsp. ginger and 1c. toasted coconut. This makes 12 muffins and looked like vomit when mixed (mmmmm, delishhhous). There is some contention on this recipe's review board as to the amount of baby food required. On the show she added 2 jars, but the recipe says 4. Numerous people who used 4 complained that the muffins never cooked all the way through....so we used 2 jars. The muffins were super gummy and stuck to our teeth. Liz, being the texture freak that she is, only took 2 bites. The flavor wasn't anything special either. All we could taste was cinnamon, carrot and sometimes a hint of coconut. The apple from the original muffin mix was completely lost, although perhaps that is the point since Sandy's russipe title has no mention of apple. This was served for her Garden Brunch episode; I woudn't even serve these to babies let alone brunchers. In all honesty I would gladly eat straight up baby food before making these again.

For Cocktail time we made the Big Sur Cocktail: a highball glass filed with 1 part amaretto, 1/2 part blue Curacao (is there really any other color?) and 1 part white cran juice. Harmless enough right? While it wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. And I definitely don't want a highball glass full of this ridiculously sweet concoction. It was too sweet and would work as a shot, but not a drink. Don't make this unless you like super sweet drinks. Also, please note the color difference between our drink and Aunt Sandy's. I don't know where Sandy buys her Amaretto, but mine is tinted brown, which means her drink is a fraud! Although to be honest, mine looks more like Big Sur than hers- hah.

So this cocktail time was fairly unmemorable, but at least it helped to talk us off the ledge (seriously, that crab crap was the worst experience ever. I may never eat crab again. Thanks a lot Aunt Sandy). Well, we are all out of time today so remember to keep it sweet, keep it over dressed, keep it fraudulent and always keep is Semi-Edible.

Semi-Homemakers Wanted

2010-08-03T12:44:00.002-04:00

Many people have expressed an interest in hosting their own Cocktail Time and posting it on this blog. Liz and I thought about it for a bit and as much as we love inflicting such pain on ourselves (and how much we hate others to suffer) we decided this was a great idea! If anyone wants to make a Semi-edible russipe(s), we say- go for it!

If and when you choose to actually do this, we only ask that you follow the russipe to a T and preferably take a few photos documenting your hopefully tolerable experience. If you could make a meat dish that would be wonderful, since Liz is a veg-head which limits our range (I also have a sneaking suspicion that the meat russipes will be tastier).

Then, E-mail it all to us at semihomemakers@gmail.com and we will post it as soon as we can!

We look forward to hearing from your experiences! Also, we too welcome transvestites:

We've got crabs!

2010-08-01T21:15:00.004-04:00

Yeah, that's right. On this week's soul crushing edition of Semi-edible with Sandra Lee, it's all about crab. We've got three god-awful dishes all featuring crab! That's right, we said crab. What in the world possesed us to make three crab dishes, I don't recall. But the end result was both a tragedy and a cause for concern.

First up was Hot Crab Rangoon Dip with Won Ton Chips. At first glance, this super simple russipe doesn't seem too bad, until you see that a key ingredient in this slop is condensed shrimp bisque. To quote the eloquent genius Liz Lemon, "What the what!?" Condensed shrimp bisque? That's not real. Can't be. And, it turns out that if it does exist, it's pretty difficult to find. So we used the most reasonable substitute, cream of shrimp soup (thanks Cambpell's, for bringing this can of pure salted evil into existence). But anyway, you throw in some lump crabmeat, shrimp soup, a brick of cream cheese, worcestershire and soy sauce with some scallions and bake it till bubbly and 'delicious'. Well, let's just say, that the dip does in fact bubble after 10 minutes under the broiler, but no amount of time spent in the oven could make this slop approach delicious. And, after smelling this concoction before it went in the oven, we knew that this wasn't likely to be good, let alone delicious. After a little cooling time, it looks

like skin with second degree burns....seriously. Mmmm, skin. And, we were correct. The crab was pungent, to say the least. But it tasted... honestly, I'm sort of at a loss for words to describe the taste. The best I can come up with is: hot, rancid, salted fish drowned in cream cream cheese and sadness. The one good thing I can say about this dip is the won ton chip fried in peanut oil. I longed for a time machine so we could go back in time and make better choices. Even Jillian said this was the worst thing we have made so far and couldn't take more than two bites. With Kwanzaa Cake being a not-so-distant memory, I disagreed. But we still had 2 more crabtastic dishes to taste. Why did we think this was a good idea?

Next up was Aunt Sandy's famous Crab Cakes with Sassy Tartar! These crab cakes were action packed with flavor! Too bad the flavor was once again salt. Thanks to the cajun seasoning (mixed with tarter sauce, hot sauce, and scallion) and Old Bay, mayonnaise, egg and crabmeat breaded with saltines(not a typo) this crabcake was pure salty goodn... I was going to say goodness, but that would be a lie. Notice how the FN website's picture has visible lumps of crab and looks tasty by comparison.

It's a lie. The crab itself was the least awful thing about the crab cakes; however, the rangoon dip had already made us kind of hate crab and ourselves, and with so many other senseless ingredients in there, it was too much.

Last but not least was the interesting and unfortunate Crab Salad with Mango Salsa. First off, how the hell she gets off calling this mango salsa is beyond me. Wanna know where the mango comes from?! Tropical fruit cups! Fruit cups!!!!! Like in a 5 year old's lunch bag! You mix the fruit cup, I mean mango(?) with cilantro, lime, ribbed, seeded, and minced jalapeno peppe

rs, and scallions. Then you layer a red wine glass with shredded lettuce, then the "salsa," then the

plain, unembelished, flavorless crab meat. You top this all off with a large dollop of sour cream. A lime wedge garnishes the top. In this episode she describes the wine glass presentation as, "Just like you would get in a gourmet restaurant!" Um...not. No self respecting restaurant would serve this crap, least of all any restaurant that claims to be "gourmet." I thought it was the least awful thing we had during this round of culinary disasters, however, it still wasn't good and I could only take two bites. The salsa was so sweet, I assume from the fruit cup juice. It's amazing that food can taste like so much and so little at the same time. Because the crab had no seasoning and the sour cream didn't taste like much of anything, and the extra sweetness of the fruit cup mixed with the cilantro, really it should have been called cilantro salad, and some filler. Also, we had no idea how Sandy wanted us to eat this. Were we to mix it up or take a little bit of each layer? I wasn't going to find out.

Finally, everyone's favorite part of the day, Cocktail Time! This week we sampled the Beach Paradise. This drink combines 1 part dark rum, 1 part guava juice, orange juice, sugar, and genadine into a completely forgettable drink. Honestly, it didn't taste bad, but I think our spirits were so broken from the nastiness that we were just greatful that it washed some of the rancid fish taste our of our mouthes and tummies.

Well as always here at Semi edible we want to remind our readers to keep it simple, keep it sweet, and always drink responsibly.

Drive-In Delights

2010-07-22T16:37:00.015-04:00

Welcome to another episode of Semi-Edible! Today is all about recreating that fun and fabulous drive-in food we all loved as teenagers. We start things off today with a super simple Green Parsley Slaw that’s going to taste so bland, no one will really be able to complain about it. Next we are going to make Sandy's favorite burger as a child, the Drive-In Walnut Burger. Not only does this russipe include yet another flavorful seasoning packet, but it also looks like dog food! Finally, it’s cocktail time- the best time of the day! And have I got a walk down memory lane for you. We all know Aunt Sandy’s fondest memory as a young adult was ordering her favorite Orange Smoothie from her local diner and then pouring in whatever cheap alcohol she could find when no one was looking. It is super smart, super sophisticated and you have got to try this (except don’t because it’s super gross).

We started off with the Parlsey Slaw, which requires a bag of shredded cabbage, a little mayo, sour cream, white vinegar, pinch of sugar and then 1c. chopped parsley and 1/2c. scallions. Can I just tell you, I will not buy bagged cabbage, it's around 10 times the cost of the ridiculously affordable heads of cabbage. So I bought a head, cut it in half, rinsed it off, finely sliced it....ten minutes LATER I finally had shredded cabbage. No, it took 2 minutes- tops. Ms. Lee is a lunatic, but I digress. This being the first russipe we tasted, we were pretty happy. It didn't taste like anything except cabbage and parsley lightly coated with mayo, and sometimes it had a delicious surprise crunch of scallion. Overall, it was average something that needed to be doctored up. So today when I used the second half of cabbage I added cider vinegar, sour cream (no mayo) dry mustard, cumin and smoked paprika...it was much better. Everything is better with cumin.

Happy that this side dish was edible, we moved onto the burgers. Everyone knows my disdain for items masking themselves as "burgers," but Liz is a veggielover so I have to eat them from time to time. Additionally, the putrid orange patties looked so disgusting on the show I just had to make them. These things were made from 1c. walnuts, 3/4c. canned chickpeas, breadcrumbs, 1 Tbs grill seasoning, paprika, red pepper flakes, cider vinegar, olive oil and an egg. Ick. My food processor is broken so we had to make them in the blender, which isn't a problem. The very sticky patties looked so gross, but they formed and were quickly grilled. FYI, this russipe says 4 minutes per side, but be prepared for one side of the burgers to be burned. Also, what old fashioned drive-in sells walnut burgers? Once burned errr..cooked, we put the hard as rock "patties" on buns with avocado, lettuce tomato and the Pièce de résistance- honey mustard. If not for making a delicious honey mustard, this would have been

inedible. The inside of these suckers looked like dog food mush. It was creamy but dry at the same time. After three bites, I kid you not, I had to put it down because my jaw started hurting. The seasoning packet was too much. These may be better with some serious tweaking (ditch the packet, less bread crumbs, etc). Also, they sat in our stomachs like a brick. Ick.

Finally for cocktail time we made the Spiked Orange Smoothie. Which sounded a lot like her Darling Clementine, but more healthy. You take a can of frozen oj concentrate, a packet of sugar free, fat free vanilla pudding, orange cream yogurt (whatever that is), lowfat milk, 1c. vanilla vodka, 1/4c. orange liqueur, ice and blend it all together till it's thick and creamy. It smelled like a boozy orange. That being said, the taste was even worse. We have often talked about perhaps making this a video blog just so y'all can see the amazing faces we make when trying this food (especially Liz, who tends to hate everything way more than I do). Nothing we have tasted before has ever evoked such faces as this drink. Like the Kwanzaa cake, every flavor was there. The thick vanilla, the fake oj juice, the yogurt and then you get hit with vodka, vodka, vodka, orange! It's a horrible taste that no one should suffer through. It made four glasses so we drank them anyway after it diluted a bit, but oh my god. The only proper way to really show our facial expressions throughout this drink is in the following video where babies suck on lemons:

Seriously, Liz looks just like that quite often after tasting this food. So this was not the best cocktail time we've ever done. I consider it a win since our stomachs didn't get gnarly on us. So until next time: keep it over-seasoned, yet keep it bland, and always keep it Semi-Edible!

Kwanzaa in July

2010-07-13T19:10:00.009-04:00

Even if you have never seen an episode of Semi- Homemade with Sandra Lee (lucky you), you may have still heard of the infamous Kwanzza Cake, described by the great Anthony Bourdain as "a war crime on television" that could "make your eyeballs burst into flame." Now, I realize that for the sake of this blog we have made some unfortunate concoctions in the name of science and humor, but this was one recipe I hoped we would not be trying. However, Jillian and I never fail to meet a challenge. So when our very favorite bartender Rich said (in jest) that he wanted the Kwanzaa Cake for his birthday, we of course took him seriously and set about plans to construct this abomination of pastry in his honor.

So I'm sure you are all asking yourselves "It's just a cake, how bad could it be?" The answer to that lies in the ingredients. First: take a store bought angel food cake and cut the top off. Then you scoop a can(or 2...really 2) of vanilla frosting into a bowl and add 4 tablespoons of cocoa mix, 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and 3 to 4 tsps of vanilla extract. These measurements, just so we're clear are for 2 cans of frosting. Turns out it takes more than one can to coat this trainwreck. The frosting winds up looking just like the filling from the mocha cups a few posts ago. Not sure why all of her desserts come out that color, but I digress. Ok, next you put a layer of frosting between the newly created layers of angel food cake. Then you frost the outside and we (even though the video didn't specifically say to) frosted the middle too (the crevice, if you will). To top it off, you open a can of apple pie filling

and dump it in the middle, creating a glistening pile of chunks in the middle of the dune colored cake. At this point Jillian was excited. I was excited scared.

I should mention that this cake is supposed to be adorned and ablaze with black, red and green full size taper candles. Despite our efforts, we could not find any, so we settled for plain white but were super sad about it.

Anyway, we got to the bar and put the finishing touches on the cake. I'm sure you're thinking "finishing touches?! Haven't you done enough?" No. This confection is covered in petite pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. Yeah I said it. Corn nuts. Perfect compliment to angel food cake. Everyone knows that.

So we lit the candles as The Beatles' "Birthday" played in the background and we prepared for an assault to the senses that this cake would surely inflict. We let the birthday boy cut his own first piece then Jillian and I served ourselves. Rich took a bite and said, with his mouth still full of cake, "Wow, the flavors are all there!" It reminded him (an a few others) of breakfast cereal. My reaction was pretty much shear horror and I said, also unable to actually swallow the bite, "Why does it taste like that?!" By the end of the evening we figured out that it kinda tastes like Smacks, but with a pound of sugar added. One brave soul willing to try it pointed to her mouth, again, still full of cake and said "I don't understand what's happening here." Two people were honest and said it was nasty, which it was. Two others were attempting to be polite and said it was good, but it was a little too sweet...we knew better. Visually the worst part was when the apple pie filling oozed out of the center after some slices were removed and began to melt the frosting. Frankly, it looked like vomit.

This cake was super simple, super sweet, and super gross. It is not fit for human consumption and we are grateful that nobody died in this experiment. Don't make this, not ever. Not for any reason. Oh, and Happy Birthday Rich!

Kwanzaa Eve!

2010-07-12T14:01:00.004-04:00

Tonight we are going to make the best, most notorious, most pc thing Sandra Lee has ever created- the illustrious, the magnificent Kwanzaa cake! It's been documented all over youtube, it's on cake wrecks, there's even fabulous t-shirts! Prepare yourself for the glory that is Kwanzaa cake!!!

Review to follow...

Cocktail Time - Deep Woods Edition

2010-07-05T16:12:00.004-04:00

Like Jillian said, 4th of July weekend in DC means one thing and one thing only to me - I gotta get the hell outta DC, and fast. So some of our friends planned a camping trip to the middle of nowhere Virginia. We loaded up the Benz on Friday morning and headed out to commune with nature for a few days. So I thought, how can I bring Aunt Sandy to the great outdoors? Do I make a dish? Do I make a drink? Perhaps both? Then I remembered that Aunt Sandy's culinary delights can cause indigestion the likes of which isn't usually seen outside of Mexico, so that's probably not a good idea. Drink it is! Also, while the Benz is a luxury vehicle, it does not have a ton of trunk space and 5 of us plus one dog was going to mean a lot of togetherness for several hours - better not have too many ingredients. So I thought back to an episode of Semi-Homemade when Aunt Sandy did something that made my heart weep, she mixed beer with lime juice concentrate. I've been "enjoying" this foray into liquor cocktails for this little experiment, but truth be told I'm a beer girl. Good beer should stand alone. No need for frills or garnish, just beer. So watching the botox grimace version of delight on Ms. Lee's face when she poured limeaid into a pitcher with Corona, I must say that a little piece of my soul died.

But anyway, I wanted to make something, and it was the only thing that made sense. So after we put up the tents I whipped out a can of semi-frozen limeaid, a rubbermaid

pitcher and prepared to inflict yet another Frankenstein beverage on my friends. Enter the Lime Beer Cocktail. 1 6-pack of beer, 1 can of limeaid, 1 half of squeezed lime, lime wedges for garnish. Simple enough. The recipe recommends Corona, but we were on a budget and had limited space so I settled for a mixture of Yuengling and Miller Light, cause I'm classy. I poured one for everyone, while assuring everyone that it would not hurt my feelings if they didn't like it, and to be honest. I think we still need some work on that "be honest" thing. Lindsay said she would have liked it more if she didn't know that there was limeaid in it. Everyone else said it wasn't that bad, a little sweet, but not bad. I wasn't a fan. It was syrupy sweet. I feel like it left a film in my mouth. Not to mention a brief flashback to my younger days when I consumed things like Smirnoff Ice and Fuzzy Navel on the regular. It was a 17 year-old chick drink. Like the here- comes-the-airplane version of beer. So if you are ever in a situation where you must serve an alcoholic beverage to someone who hates beer, or if beer is all you have, you are desperate for a drink, and happen to have a can of limeaid hanging around, this is a solid option.

Hope you all had a safe holiday weekend, and not to get you too excited, but a slow cooker edition is in the near future.

Startini Dreams and a Beer Cocktail

2010-07-05T12:00:00.005-04:00

Cocktail time- it's the best time of the day!

Today we are doing cocktail time from two locations. The first is the comfort of my(Jillian's) own apartment whilst the tourists descend upon D.C. like locusts with strollers (I must admit, I would probably rather deal with locusts) The second is some remote location in the Virginia south where Liz & company decided to set up camp for the Fourth of July weekend (also to get away from the tourists). I get to "enjoy" a martini and Liz gets to push yet another recipe on our friends, some kind of a beer cocktail, because they are roughing it.

Sister and I were sitting on the couch waiting to venture to the Mall for the 4th of July dress rehearsal and (of course) one of this week's recorded Semi episodes (Shower Soiree) was on. Having just finally been able to find berry vodka I was ecstatic to see it being used in the Startini Dream! For a few weeks now I have been under the impression that

Aunt Sandy made up the elusive berry flavored vodka as I could not find it in liquor stores on both sides of the coast. I saw cranberry, blueberry, raspberry, blackberry, acai berry but no plain berry. Just yesterday I was walking in my local liquor store, saw Finlandia berry vodka and thought, "Ewe, I can't buy finlandia" but then after some consideration and a good pondering of, 'What would Aunt Sandy do?' I decided to ignore my liver and buy the cheap stuff! The whimsical Startini Dream is made with 2 parts berry vodka, 1 part orange liqueur and a splash (not a dash) of lime juice. The drink is stirred and poured into a cocktail glass with fresh blueberries. The blueberries give the drink that delicious fresh flavor. They freshly floated on top of the drink until they grew intoxicated and sunk to the bottom (not a good sign).

I handed the cocktail to my sister and walked back into the kitchen. From the living room I heard a moan and gagging sound from my sister. Also, not a good sign. I tested the cocktail and thought she was nuts. The only bad thing about it was that I used cheap vodka. It was boozy, but it wasn't bad. I would drink this with a good brand of vodka. That being said, I have finished half the cocktail and will not be drinking the rest of it. G-ross. I hope Liz's beer cocktail is better than this.

Saccharine with a Cherry on Top

2010-07-03T17:22:00.012-04:00

Sister is taking a nap, Liz is camping and I am sitting around watching yesterday's semi episode, "Girl's Hoe Down." I don't understand how a Cowboy Cooler (tequila and beer) is appropriate for a girl's evening, but I digress. I was equal parts inspired and bored so I went on foodtv.com to see what I could make with my ever expanding liquor cabinet (I hope one day to have a liquor closet like Aunt Sandy, which is inevitable the way this experiment is going). This led me to the Waikiki Cocktail: one ounce of dark rum and guava juice are shaken with the juice of 1/2 a lemon and 1/2 an orange, a teaspoon of sugar and a dash of grenadine. What is the difference between a dash and a splash? Anyway, pretty sure I added just a dash, I shook the ingredients in a shaker, poured it into a martini glass and dropped in a maraschino cherry. Anything with cherries gets my vote of approval without even tasting the potentially hazardous concoction. Even if something is undrinkable, there is always that perfectly red cherry so pumped full of processed crap that even the worst drink couldn't penetrate its plastic skin. Delicious. Seriously though, I love the lil' buggers. Anyway, upon my first smell I was bombarded by the dark rum. Not a huge fan of rum, I grimaced and took my first hesitant sip. The drink doesn't taste like rum (thank god), it tastes like sweetness....but not in a very good way. It starts out tart, but then the sugar overload seeps into the tastbuds. You can taste mainly the guava and the lemon. I think the teaspoon of sugar is beyond unnecessary considering the dash of cloying grenadine and juices.

Wanting a second opinion, I just woke up my sister and shoved the drink in her hand. She said it was pretty good and wasn't too sweet for her. She must still be dreaming. Once again Aunt Sandy, this russipie is an affront to my palate.

Revenge of the Chili Seasoning

2010-07-01T11:00:00.002-04:00

My sister's visiting so I am making meat dishes without Liz. I have been excited because so far 2 of 3 meat dishes have been good: shrimp in spicy coconut sauce and the chicken caesar salad pizza. Batting at 66% (and considering I can count the number of good recipes to date on one hand) this is the most successful category of russipies and I was pretty stoked. Having not eaten all day, my sister declared she was starving and craving chili fries. I knew exactly what recipe to choose, because I remember the Fountain Fantasy episode and I explicitly remember thinking, "Holy mother of god, that's a lot of chili sauce and packet seasoning! I would never, ever make this." Well I did make it. I made it and I ate it. And about 30 minutes later... I regretted it. But that's getting ahead of myself, first The Chili Fries start with crinkly frozen french fries (because the crinkle cut is the most childish and easiest to identify as a store-bought product). While the fries are in the oven, you brown ground beef. Aunt Sandy didn't say to drain the fat from the meat, so we didn't. Then you add an entire bottle of heinz chili sauce and an entire packed of chili seasoning. A reasonable person might think these ingredients are overdoing it already, but not Aunt Sandy. This concoction can't possibly be flavorful enough; something is needed to mask the processed taste. So she has you add mustard, onion powder and worcestershire sauce. This is how Aunt Sandy pawns this off as homemade: "Nobody's every going to know this wasn't homemade. Your guests are going to think you slaved in the kitchen for hours." I would never serve this to guests. Once combined, this gorgeous concoction bubbles on the stove for 30 minutes (which is quite a long time for someone who loves super simple russipies). After that, you know how chili fries work. Needless to say, this was not very good and I wont be making it again. My sister and I were pretty hungry though, so I am quite ashamed to say...we ate it...all.

To balance and cleanse our greasy palates we made the Gin Plush. The russipe says it makes 1 serving, but it's apparent that's a lie the second you start making the drink. Honestly, I should have known better based on prior experience with Aunt Sandy's cocktails and the fact that she clearly is a lush. The recipe calls for 1/3 cup gin (a clear hint of the serving size) poured over ice and mixed with 1/4 cup of each: guava, pineapple, orange juice and club soda. I found it bright, refreshing and was quite happy it made more than stated. Slightly tart with a nice tropical flavor, this is perfect for a hot summer evening. While I would totally make it again for people, my sister needed to add lots of sugar. She likes girly drinks, which I thought this was. Regardless, I was super happy to finally find a drink of hers that I can make again!

Up next (because a plate of fries was not enough for us. We were on a ground beef binge with half a pound just sitting there and waiting to be used) we made Fiery Tex-Mex Chipotle Cheeseburgers. I must start of by saying I am a bit of a purist when it comes to making burgers so this russipe scared me. I like the taste of meat (hah) so I only add salt and pepper and that's usually it. I can handle a black bean burger or something like that, but I don't like changes. Lately, I have seen the weird burger recipes from the likes of Rachel Ray and Giada. The burgers that are called "burgers" but aren't really, like the "Open Wide! Tur-Chicken Cub Burgers" (wtf kinda name is that?!) or the "Danish Bur ger with Herb Caper Sauce"(ick). Don't call it a burger just because it's on a bun. Anyway, this Fiery tex-mex chipoodleeee....(forget it, there are too many words in the title) already started off on my bad side. Okay. That said, this "burger" is made by mixing ground beef with 2Tbs of Tex-Mex chili seasoning, 2 chipotle chilies and 1/4 of beer. Two things:

1. What do you do with the rest of the seasoning packet?! I have seen Aunt Sandy do this numerous times on her show, so what happens to all those lost half-empty packets?

2. I had no idea there was such a thing as Tex-Mex chili seasoning, but it was right there in my grocery store next to the regular chili seasoning. If anyone can tell me how the two are different, I would really appreciate it.

The burgers are grilled and put on buns with pepper-jack and a basic chipotle mayonnaise. We had an avacado fiasco at the grocery store, so that didn't make it on the burger and is still sitting in its brown bag- hard as a rock.

The positives:
*I love chipotle and it masked the flavor of the season packeted burgers (I may or may not have used more than the recommended amount of chipotle and didn't remove the seeds at the directions suggested...oops!).
*They were messy.
*They were moist.

The negatives:

*They didn't taste like burgers.

*The beer in the burgers made them mealy and mushy.

*They had the consistency of a bad meatloaf, which weirded me out.

*I am unsure if it was the over processed chili fries, the too-juicy burgers or the amount of sodium-filled chili seasoning packets we consumed, but neither of us want to eat chili for a long time. Something didn't sit right and it felt like a big lump in the bottom of our stomachs for quite a while. Not good.

The lesson gleaned from this cocktail time? Seasoning packets are bad; gin plushes are good.

Ah the dessert course...

2010-06-27T12:40:00.008-04:00

First off, I'd like to remind everyone that the first 2 courses were not a total fail, then came dessert, and oh what a dessert it was. We made Mocha-nut Cream Cups which, despite having the word Mocha in the title do not have chocolate as an ingredient anywhere. But we figured with whipped topping, sugar free cheesecake pudding mix, and coconut extract, it must still be awesome right?! Well, not so much. The directions say to mix whipping creme, coconut milk, espresso powder, and coconut extract together, then sprinkle (sprinkle as opposed to unceremoniously dumping) sugar-free cheese cake pudding mix over the mixture and beat with a hand mixer until "medium stiff beaks" form. I'm sure you are all reading this and thinking beaks?! Medium stiff beaks? What does that entail exactly?

Well after about 10 minutes beating this coconutty mixture on low speed with the hand mixer, you realize 3 things: 1. There is no such thing as medium stiff beaks, 2. There must be an unfortunate (read drunken) typo in the recipe, and 3. I could stand here all night and attempt to whip this light brown mush into medium stiff beaks and it's never gonna happen. Ever.

So being a practical person, I gently folded in the shredded coconut and put it in the fridge for a while, hoping that refrigeration would somehow magically form the beaks. After the pre-made piecrust cooled, and after a few drinks, I placed the brown coconut goo into the cups with a healthy dollop of whipped topping and added a delicate sprinkling(this recipe is all about the sprinkling) of toasted coconut to the top and served it up to our friends.

Well, first let me say this dessert was kinda pretty. On the glass cake plate it looked really nice...edible even. But then came the taste test, and this is where it all went downhill. At first I tasted the whipped topping, then the pie crust and thought this is not so bad! 3 out of 3! But then the coconut extract finish kicked in. And then came the sudden realization that there was an uncomfortable amount of shredded coconut in these cups. It was an odd texture and a bad aftertaste. I took 2 bites and realized that the only things I liked about this dessert were the pre-made pie crust and the whipped topping, and I wasn't alone. Most of our guests proceeded to scoop the whipped topping off the top of the goop in the cup and leave the rest, for fear of getting that weird flavor back in their mouths. Jillian ate most of hers, but

lets be honest, that girl is a trooper, with a much higher tolerance for nasty than the rest of us.

Having decided to cut our losses, we moved onto the Darling Clementine to round out the evening, because nothing says consolation prize like 2 cups of orange sherbet, orange liqueur, and a cup of vanilla vodka. Once all of the parts of the blender were located, I must say, this drink was not half bad. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the Tall Dark and Handsome, but I will say I liked it. It tasted like a creamsicle. A boozy creamsicle. If you, like most of us, occasionally have to sit through awkward family gatherings on summer afternoons but don't want to hug a bottle of gin like a security blanket in order to cope, I would highly recommend this drink.

Until next time, keep it simple, keep it sweet, and always keep your liquor cabinet fully stocked.

Rim Jobs

2010-06-25T01:06:00.011-04:00

Because we haven’t executed a full blown Cocktail Time, Liz and I decided to host tonight’s cocktail time for a few friends. We started the evening with Fried Mozzarella Nuggets paired exquisitely with the Tall, Dark and Handsome Cocktail. I have been excited for the Fried Mozzarella Nuggets the first time I actively searched through foodnetwork for recipes that wouldn't kill us. The Fried Mozzarella Nuggets (the name alone should inspire fear) are made with sting cheese sticks(cut into thirds) that are then rolled in flour, then egg, then Italian seasoned bread crumbs and fried until brown. String cheese! That processed fake cheese that everyone enjoys as a child and inexplicably shreds into perfect strings! I coudn't believe she used this. But (as much as I hate to admit this) these were actually tasty. On the downside, they were impossible to cook. Without fail, within 30 seconds of frying (regardless of the temperature because I tested tons) the crust was not yet golden, but the cheese instantly stared to ooze out. So they were good, but uber difficult to make. The Tall Dark and Handsome cocktail is 2 shots of vanilla vodka shaken with half a shot of each Coffee and Chocolate Liqueur. Our drink was not clear like Aunt Sandys (they look nothing alike, but then again we used milky godiva liqueur whereas she probably used whatever was in that week's bargain bin), but it would definitely get her boozy mark of approval. Two sips in and it we all felt it’s horrible astringent aftertaste. And....

half a drink in (mind you we each split one, so ¼ of the drink in) we all exclaimed how hot it felt in my apartment. Liz declared the cocoa rim created distasteful clumps in her mouth; whereas, Lindsay, after finishing her drink declared, “I loved that rim- I’m going to f*$!'n lick Jillian’s rim!” So rimming isn’t for everyone. But whether we like the rim or not, no one really wanted seconds.

Instead, we opened a bottle of wine for the next course- Shrimp in Spicy Coconut Sauce. Precooked shrimp are sautéed in garlic, coconut milk, red pepper flakes, soy sauce and chicken broth. I have a feeling the sauce was supposed to cook down, but simmering for the designated 5 minutes did not produce a ‘sauce’ consistency. Everyone in our group enjoyed it, but determined it was more like a soup than sauce. It would be delicious over jasmine rice, but Aunt Sandy didn’t recommend it so we didn't know.

So far (unbelievably) our Cocktail Time was succeeding! How did we manage to get 2 decent food recipes?! They were so successful that we all slurped up the shrimpy coconut broth and my sister couldn’t believe the rating for the nuggets on foodnetwork were only 4 out of 5 stars! What was going on here?! Even Liz (the pickiest person ever) ate everything on her plate…which is really saying something. Something in the dessert just had to fail….right?*

*must continue dessert portion at later date due to an early bus ride to Manhattan tomorrow morning....I know, you are all waiting with baited breath at whether the dessert would be a success or not.

Meh.

2010-06-18T14:52:00.011-04:00

Liz hates bananas. She believes they are the most selfish food to ever exist. Have you ever left a banana around other fruit or open food containers? The next day they taste like banana too! Selfish. Despite this, I like bananas so I decided to make a cocktail I have been eyeing since day one: The Banana's Foster Cocktail. One shot vanilla vodka & banana liqueur, half a shot of butterscotch schnapps, chocolate liqueur and a splash of cream. Sadly, I ate all of my bananas so I didn't have one for the garnish, but I didn't think it would ruin the integrity of the drink (should there be any).

I tell ya, there is something about vanilla vodka that does not sit right with me. It overpowers everything else and I now wish Aunt Sandy didn't use it so much. Overall, this drink isn't bad. It is very sweet and would make a good dessert. Even though it smells faintly of banana runts, it is not very banana flavored, which disappoints me. It tastes more like liquid Werther's original (only less caramely)- which is probably why I am still drinking it. This would be better with less vanilla vodka, more banana liqueur and perhaps a splash of gingerbread liqueur for the spice aspect. Last time I checked, banana's foster didn't have vanilla or chocolate in it. I was so excited for a caramely, spicy banana concoction, but alas my thirst was not sated. Thanks again Aunt Sandy- for nothing. That will teach me to get excited for one of her recipes.

In other news, Sandra Lee is doing a cocktail demonstration tour in grocery stores!(it's actually a promotion for her magazine, but cocktail time has to be the main event). How do I figure out if/when she is coming to a local store near D.C.?! I want to go there.

Next week, Liz and I will be back in action with a brand new cocktail time! I can't.....hardly....wait......

It's a Pizza Success!*

2010-06-11T11:41:00.005-04:00

This week I (Jillian) hoped on a plane to Southern California to visit family and attend my sister's college graduation. Liz remained up to her elbows with clients in court, and even though I was on vacation I couldn't shirk my nauseating duties, so I recruited my cousin as a guinea pig. I let her pick the recipes with one condition, every recipe had to have meat. With Liz being a vegetarian we have not ventured outside of our meat-free comfort zone (which, let's face it- has not been much comfort) and I thought perhaps (since everything else has sucked) Aunt Sandy is good with the meat (haha). So, we decided to make pizzas. Because of the horrible reviews and my cousin's shock that Sandra Lee even knew what Chorizo was, we chose the Mexican Pizza, and then balanced it with the decent looking Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza.

The Mexican Pizza is made by browning chorizo then adding jarred salsa and letting it simmer. You then take a Boboli pizza crust and spread on beans then the chorizo mixture. Then you top it with tons of mexican cheese and pop it into an oven (the recipe doesn't mention the temperature setting) until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. Once out of the oven you top the "pizza" with lettuce, tomato, crunched up tortilla chips and then drizzle ranch dressing all over....and voila- you have "mexican pizza." We could not understand how this recipe had 4 stars, because it was super salty, the chips

quickly turned to mush and all that one could taste was the chorizo. Flabergasted, we checked out the reviews and were surprised to see all of the 4 and 5 star ratings had changed the recipe! They either used ground beef instead of chorizo, withheld using ranch dressing or used their own pizza dough. I cannot stand these people. They are not rating the recipe itself and give Aunt Sandy a false sense of success. As for those who followed the recipe, they said things like: "too greasy and did not like the muddling of flavor with the ranch dressing topping," "so incredibly bad its not even funny...this has to be the lowest I have ever been in my dishes," "the best part of it was the ranch dressing and I can just eat that by itself." You get the point. These reviews shared our sentiment and we were sad we wasted delicious chorizo in such a horrible way.

Then where was the Chicken Caesar Salad Pizza, which is Semi-Edible's first edible dish! Both my cousin, mom and myself enjoyed this pizza. You marinate the chicken in caesar dressing before you grill it. You put a thin layer of caesar dressing on a boboli crust then top th

at with a mozzarella/pecorino blend. After the chicken is grilled you pop it on the pizza and put the whole thing on the grill until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is crispy. To make it easier to serve we sliced the pizza before topping each serving with a handful of caesar salad (romaine, dressing, parmesan and croutons). We all agreed the croutons were unnecessary since the crust was so crispy and it was a little difficult to keep the salad on the slice, but the three of us averaged a rating of 3.5 out of 5 stars. We have a success!!! I must admit I am one of those indivi

duals who craves those prepackaged caesar salad mixes at the grocer and dare I say, I will most likely make this again for a quick dinner as it is a good alternative to just eating a bag of salad.

So after our first venture into Meatopolis we are 1-1. Seems like Aunt Sandy knows what to do with meat (I mean, after all that is how she got on Foodnetwork in the first place, right?). And I don't blame her for not knowing what to do with chorizo, that is an ingredient way too ethnic for her midwest, super simple background. I may have to make more of her meat dishes in my spare time to test this meat theory. Up next, as I head down to San Diego I am going to try and get my sister and friends to try a cocktail time. But first, I have to make real food for my family tonight (Tyler Florence's delicious fajitas). Although I must say, Aunt Sandy's beer beef fajita isn't too different than what I usually make as a quick marinade before I grill, but she has to go and ruin it by putting it in a slow-cooker. What is wrong with this woman?

*crazy Giadaesque Italian accent required

A Tale of Two Dips

2010-06-07T12:00:00.010-04:00

Liz and I went to our friend Lindsay's house Saturday night for our own Chilean wine tasting in an attempt to save money. To stay healthy I said I would bring crudites. What better time than to bust out some of Sandra Lee's delicious and fantastic super-simple dips? There are so many to choose from: from the guaranteed-to-induce-the-runs-hot crab rangoon dip to the undoubtedly-inedible-spicy cashew dip. Alas, those will have to wait for another day. For on this night I chose Cheddar Ranch Dip and Cucumber and Red Bell Pepper Raita. The former guaranteed to be too flavorful with a packet of ranch mix blended in sour cream and salsa con queso, the later too bland with diced up cucumber, bell pepper and mint blended into yogurt. I made the dips, cut up my veggies (Aunt Sandy recommends a container of pre-cut carrot and celery sticks...hah) and headed to Lindsay's (who may have been channeling Ms Lee early on, because she had set the table with a warm-colored tablecloth, well matched place settings and a centerpiece displaying that night's cheeses- no craft/fabric store needed).

I would not disclose the ingredients of the mystery dips until both guessed. The raita was easy, because there was really nothing in it, except tons of diced peppers and cucumbers. What's better than to dip vegetables in more chopped-up vegetables? Lots of things. Sadly, the cheddar ranch dip is not one of those things. As Liz made a face while carefully licking the dip off a carrot, she guessed it was made with sour cream, ranch and some type of southwest seasoning. But what makes it orange?! She sat there thinking till her eyes got real big and in a terrified voice said, "Please don't tell me it's cheese wiz!" So close. Overall, neither were a particular hit until a few drinks in. To quote Liz, "You know what!? After a couple drinks, I like this cheese dip. And you can quote me on it!" Hours later, we finished off the third bottle of Chilean wine and were definitely channeling the booze goddess herself. Still, I was astounded we had finished off most of the now delicious dips.

Why is this such a recurring theme with Sandy's recipes? They are either too bland to enjoy or an all out assault on the taste buds. Where is that happy medium? Where is a bonafide good recipe? Liz and I were prepared to eat some nasty things, but this is just getting ridiculous. Oh Aunt Sandy, you have to have made something tasty in your 13 seasons!

No more cheese, please!

2010-06-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

Liz and I were planning to watch Game 3 of the Stanley Cup and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. After quickly nixing the idea of making a full Aunt Sandy meal (I wanted something fully-edible and couldn't afford to feel sick the next day) we opted for the quick side dish of Cheesy Cauliflower Gratin: frozen cauliflower, condensed cheddar cheese soup, cayenne and mexican cheese are mixed and microwaved for 6 minutes, topped with bread crumbs and parm then put under the broiler until the top gets crispy.* Oh dear lord, where do I begin. Oh right, here is a picture of this beauty's creation:

MmmMmm cheesy globby goodness. Who in their right mind would ever make this recipe exactly as is?!? Oh, right, the 40+ people that have reviewed the recipe, more than half of which gave rave reviews. Well, let me just warn you: do not trust those raving that they would "recommend it to anyone" and that this is the "best cauliflower gratin." These people are either liars or have ageusia. Here are the problems we found:

First and foremost, who uses condensed cheesy soup to cook other than our grandma's generation? How hard is it to make a roux, add some milk and then pile in some fresh cheese? It takes 5 minutes- I do it all the time. Maybe Aunt Sandy loves the taste of sodium-soaked processed cheese with the slight background flavor of an aluminum can? Can I tell you? This is super gross.
Frozen cauliflower is also super gross. To me, it's always obvious when someone cooks with frozen vegetables; there's a slightly plastic taste and mushy texture to it. While I will only ever use frozen peas and green beans, it was this aspect that bothered me the most; Liz said the frozen cauli didn't bother her. Eh, 1-1.
By following the recipe we got a semi-cooked, semi-frozen mess of cauliflower. However, I have to admit, it was kind of fun taking a bite and not knowing if the piece would burn the roof of my mouth or be a cali-sicle.
At first bite, Liz said it tasted like vomit, so she took a second bite, made a face, put her fork down and pushed the plate away from her. I was more tolerant of the dish and ate my serving's worth. I had velveeta as a child and am not one to be above enjoying cheese whiz. So although not so great, I thought it was okay. However, 20 minutes later my stomach began its revolt, which I have to say is the best reason to never again eat this dish.

This was a fail. We cannot wait for you to try this!

*We did not use the called for 1/4 tsp. salt in the recipe. We thought the 80% daily value of sodium in the canned soup was enough. We apologize that we broke one of our main rules, but it was a judgment call....a judgment call that made us not nearly as swollen the next day. It was beyond salty enough without it.

Oh orzo! Why have you forsaken me?!

2010-06-02T21:21:00.011-04:00

So this weekend, being Memorial day and all, we decided that it was time to bite the bullet and try out some Semi-Homemade culinary delights(read: trainwrecks) on some of our nearest and dearest. So Liz hosted a backyard barbeque and we set out selecting a recipe. Considering our reputation amongst friends as good cooks, we decided not to put that in jeopardy by doing a full Aunt Sandy menu. I know, I know, it was a golden opportunity to hit up the craft store and assault our friends with a hideous tablescape as well as semiedible entrees, but we like our friends, and we want them to continue liking us. Soooo we chose a dish that seemed suitable for human consumption: Warm Orzo Salad with Mint and Feta. Mmmm Mmmm good. Or not. First, why is the recipe's name so long? It lists every key ingredient sans peas. What did peas do to deserve such neglect? The recipe calls for cooked orzo, olive oil and vinegar dressing, garlic and herb feta, mint, peas and lemon juice. This sounded perfectly reasonable. Maybe even kinda good.

The assembly was uneventful. The only small hitch was that olive oil and vinegar dressing is not a very specific direction. So unlike her! Normally the directions are so specific they even have a brand recommendation! I was briefly at a loss. Did she really want me to make my own dressing? Like homemade? So I asked myself "what would a self respecting semihomemaker do?" And then the answer came to me in the salad dressing aisle like a shiny beacon of hope - Wishbone Fat Free Zesty Italian dressing. That's what Ms. Lee would do. I was also a little sad that the Safeway didn't have precrumbled garlic and herb feta so unlike Aunt Sandy who abhors prep-work, I was forced to crumble the feta myself. Psh.

When the moment of truth came, before either of us had eaten it, I made a general announcement to our loved ones that they were about to become guinea pigs for our blog and if the salad was nasty to let us know but please not hold it against us. So we tried it and it tasted like...mint. Or nothing, depending on the bite. Turns out that a quarter cup of Fat Free Wishbone Zesty Italian dressing is not enough to flavorize 8 oz of orzo. And with a quarter cup of mint you wouldn't think it would be so overpowering but when it was there it was REALLY there. We took a poll and most people said it wasn't bad or it didn't taste like much. A few people said it would be good with basil, and more flavor.

On the upside this recipe was not the worst thing we've made so far and it's a good thing, because we were serving it to people we like. And in all honesty, I would probably make it again, with more flavor and with basil instead of mint. All in all, we may have just stumbled upon her first edible creation.

Buttery goodness?

2010-05-21T12:52:00.025-04:00

Thus far every recipe has lived up to our blog’s semi-edible title, would today’s cocktail time be the day we break that streak, puh-leeze, god?! We went tame for today’s menu, hoping for some edible snacks because Liz was starving. We started with halving the recipes for chili cheese slices and mi ni cheese and olive calzones, because who really wants to eat/waste 4 chili cheese slices and 4 mini calzones? The chili cheese slices are flat, unrolled Pillsbury crescent rolls topped with Hormel chili, red onions, olives and cheese. These were not horrible; however, they were not good either. Liz said they were too bland, which some of the online reviews supported. I felt like my mouth was drying up from the inordinate amount of sodium put in Hormel chili and crescent rolls. Overall it wasn’t a horrible recipe (Liz went back for seconds) but the marriage of the buttery crescent rolls and chili was too off-putting to ever serve this.

As for the mini cheese and olive calzones, which consist of ricotta, Mexican cheese, olives and Italian seasoning wrapped in crescent dough…oy vey, it felt like my mouth was being all-out assaulted by Mussolini...if Mussolini ever shoved Italian seasoning down the Allies’ throats...which I don't think he did...which is perhaps why he lost in WWII (don't judge me, I just wanted to pick some horrible Italian analogy). First, why is Italian seasoning even a necessary herb bled to have in a kitchen?! Second, that nastiness is Potent! Every bite was painful. I imagine if you drastically lowered the seasoning and used pizza dough rather than crescent dough they would be an okay snack, but this blog is about staying true to the recipes so unfortunately, Sandy is 0-2 thus far.

The Butter Martini was not much of a savior. Equal parts vanilla vodka, pineapple juice with a splash of butterscotch schnapps and Chambord (which was in the recipe, but not the show) was not that appealing. Liz said she liked it, but the vanilla and pineapple together didn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t good enough for either of us to want another so we moved on to the Melon-tini: equal parts vodka, pineapple juice and a splash of melon liqueur. It reminded us of our childhood Ecto-Cooler, but didn’t taste nearly as awesome. Thus far I am disappointed by Aunt Sandy’s cocktails. For an alcohol-loving woman who claims cocktail time is the best time of the day (amen, Sandy!), these drinks are completely unsatisfactory. Although, perhaps assuming Sandy has standards is assuming too much.

For dessert we made the grape and ricotta crostata. How can you screw up a pie crust, ricotta and grape jelly? Oh, perhaps by requiring 1½ cups grape jelly! It oozed everywhere in the oven! And the taste was way too….grapey?

Overall cocktail time was 0-5 on the edible score board…or 5-0 on the semi-edible score board. I’m going to choose to look at it as 5-0. That looks much more promising.

Lucky Lady... lucky she didn't throw up.

2010-05-11T18:05:00.006-04:00

It’s after 5 and I’m on summer vacation so it’s okay to enjoy cocktail time and today’s tivo’d episode of SH, right? Today I opted for the Lucky Lady, mainly because it was the first recipe I found with booze I already had (and can I just tell you, I’m too lazy to go downstairs to the grocer during the day). The lucky lady consists of equal parts apple brandy, orange liqueur, and orange juice, poured over ice, stirred and strained into a martini glass. I don’t know who is lucky in this drink- Is it the lady who can finish one glass? She would have to be lucky to consume and survive such a feat. More likely, the lucky one is the man who, after drinking this, should have no problem talking this lady into coming home with him, because she will most certainly be sloshed after knocking back a couple of these. Which really doesn’t make her a lady at all. And probably not very lucky.

I decided to shake my lucky lady rather than stir (I'm not as adventurous as Ms. Lee) and I shudder to think what merely stirring it would cause it to taste like. The brandy is overpowering, but it doesn’t taste too bad as long as I don’t smell it (which we all know is how Aunt Sandy drinks). All in all I do not recommend this drink unless you have a high tolerance and a fondness for apple brandy.

I think tomorrow I am going to venture to Target for my very first crock pot. There are far too many super simple recipes I cannot wait to try.

Cocktail Time the First

2010-05-10T23:25:00.027-04:00

If the Noel Cake disaster was any indication, our first official Cocktail Time was going to be interesting. For the menu we decided to make Potato Souffle, La Romana Tomatoes Gratin, and the jello-infused Berry Amazing Cooler (yes, I said jello).

First to prep was the potato soufflé because the thing takes 60 minutes to cook. This was my first adventure into instant mashed potatoes, and although I wouldn’t make them again, I have to say that once I added water, stirred and heated, they really weren’t too terrible. Fake potatoes aside, everything else was pretty standard. We popped it into the oven with fingers crossed. During the ridiculous amount of time we had to wait for our super processed, powdered potato soufflé we began the cocktail! The berry amazing cooler states it makes 4 servings and contains a myriad of juices, vodka and ….strawberry jell-o. We worried that the mixture would congeal, because we all remember (hopefully) those nasty jell-o shots from the hazy, lazy college days. Luckily Aunt Sandy’s intent is to guzzle immediately. We each hesitantly poured a full glass of the fruity concoction (Ms Lee's flawless pouring technique is impressive and couldn't be matched). Immediately it became evident that this drink did not make 4 servings; the pitcher looked as though none was missing. Ready for a long afternoon, we took the first sip, which was quite tasty! The juices really masked the vodka and the jell-o made the drink slightly more viscous than a typical cocktail. We were happy to sip on our first round of cocktails as we prepped the La Romana Tomatoes Gratin. It sounds fancy, but it’s just tomatoes cut in half, sprinkled with shredded parmesan cheese and crushed garlic (yes, I used the prepared jar garlic she recommends in the recipe), that are then roasted in a 450 degree oven for 12 minutes. This is not a gratin.

Waiting for everything to finish we sat down to an episode of Semi-Homemade, because it was only 2pm. During this time we finished round 2 of the berry amazing cooler and realized that this russsipe (because we were talking like her by this time) did not make 4 servings, but unless Aunt Sandy has mammoth sized glasses, this russipe in fact made 8 servings! I have no idea why Liz and I never questioned the 1 ½ cups of vodka, but 2 drinks in and we were starting to feel like maybe cocktail time wasn’t such a good idea so early in the day. Round 3 exposed patches of jell-o forming in the bottom of the pitcher- a sight we excitedly welcomed because it meant we were almost done.

Finally, after 60 minutes of waiting around for the damn potato soufflé we opened the oven and were super elated that it had risen! Carefully placing it down we went for the tomatoes, which were another story. After 12 minutes in the oven they were still soft and not very roasted. Wanting to stay true to the recipe we took them out and ate.

The tomatoes were too raw, but I could seem them being perfect after another 10 minutes. There wasn’t much semi-homemade about this dish so there is nothing out of the ordinary to critique. The soufflé it had sadly deflated back to its original size by the time we took out the tomatoes. The aesthetics gone, we prayed it tasted good. It didn’t. The potatoes were masked by an overly eggy taste. The speckles of chive added nothing to the dish and Liz couldn’t finish her serving due to its texture.

No one should spend this kind of time waiting around for a packaged potato soufflé when they can make the potatoes and add other flavor themselves. Sadly, the best part of our first cocktail time was sitting on the couch slowly finishing round 4 and enjoying (read: mocking) Aunt Sandy’s Spicy Sports Spread episode with the drunken watermelon sloshtail and festive baseball themed tablescape. I am both excited and frightened for what this summer's weekly cocktail time will lead to for me and Liz.

Happy Birthday To You!

2010-05-06T17:35:00.008-04:00

Ok, so back around Christmas time, Jillian and I were sitting around drinking and watching Semi-Homemade and I saw what I considered to be the greatest pastry ever made, Sandra Lee's Noel Cake. It is mint green, with red licorice and a sugar cone on top. It looks like a cake sandcastle. It was glorious. As the baker of the duo, I said "dude I'm making you that for your birthday". Jillian said, "Your birthday is first!" and so, when April rolled around, Jillian began planning what would be the most glorious cake wreck I've ever seen.

Jillian woke up and walked straight down to the grocery store for supplies. She was super excited to recreate this super simple masterpiece. It required 4 boxes of cake mix and 4 cans of frosting- among other processed items. Yes, the recipe calls for pre-made store bought cakes, but where in the world does Aunt Sandy shop? There is no way a grocery store will sell you 2 unfrosted 10-inch chocolate cakes, 2 9-inch spice cakes and 2 6-inch chocolate cake rounds. Jillian didn't even have those size cake pans, but she figured she would cut the cakes to fit. Easy as pie.

When she started blending the box mix, the spice cake smelled disgusting- why oh why did Aunt Sandy pick that flavor? After the baking, Jillian began assembling. That's when I started getting the text messages. "Damn this cake, it's impossible to stack!" "This is going to be a mess." Apparently the cake was impossible to stack and instantly started to lean. By the time the entire cake was stacked it wasleaning more than Aunt Sandy after cocktail time. Frosting the cake was more daunting than the stacking; the cake immediately started to crumble because the rounds had to be cut to match the specific directions. Getting frustrated, Jillian hurried to complete the cake, already late for the party. Unfortunately, Jillian's haste was no match for the Noel Cake's girth- the whole top half slid off the bottom round. The Noel Cake was ruined! Jillian walked to the party empty handed, head hung in shame, and angry at the time spent on the inedible monstrosity. The Noel cake sat at home in a heap- a disgusting, processed store-bought mess. Recipe #1 = fail.

Well the next day, I was deeply curious about just how bad this super simple monstrosity came out, so I went to to Jillian's to try it. And oh holy Jesus it was a frikin disaster. There were parts of the cake strewn about the counter, as she disassembled it after it fell apart. The spice cake, which I've made before, from scratch, was nasty. I wish I had a more eloquent word to describe, but that cake was nasty. The rest gave me a flashback to my mother's fake-n-bake birthday cakes but was certainly nothing to shout about. But, it sure was funny to see Jillian humbled by box cake mix, and Sandra Lee. Super simple my ass.